PLease crit and name

PbEknight777 · 05-27-2004, 05:35 PM

[vs1]
walking through the pieces of my shattered life
i find a shard of the things i did in spite
of the fact that what i was doing was wrong
and i regret it now that its said and done

[ch]
why do i do this to my health
i'm self destructive
why do i do this to myself
anti-constructive

[vs2]
i stepped on a slice of my own memories
it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed
nothing that i do can heal this soul of mine
i do not think a band-aid will work this time

[ch]

[vs3]
who needs enemies when some live inside me
and they wage war when someone reminds me
i've despised these ghosts for much to long
they are the memories that i wish were gone

[ch]

PbEknight777 · 05-28-2004, 10:42 AM

up up up

NoMoreHate · 05-28-2004, 11:58 AM

Hey, love the imagery of the speaker's "shattered life", especially about being cut by a shard and the bleeding conscience. Very original. best part for me is:

"who needs enemies when some live inside me", nice idea.

generally good structure and rhyme, couple of rhythm issues tho IMO, for example:

"walking through the pieces of my shattered life
i find a shard of the things i did in spite"
- As i said i like the imagery, but you might want to add another syllable or two in the second line. depends on how you sing it tho i guess.

Also slight repetition in the chorus with

"why do i do this to my health", and then "why do i do this to myself"
I would suggest possibly changing the second part to something like: "what makes me do this to myself".

Otherwise, good job i like the theme.

NoMoreHate · 05-28-2004, 12:01 PM

As for the name, how about something simple like "broken" or "Shards of life".

Ashes In Your Mouth · 05-28-2004, 12:17 PM

I like " Shattered Life" as a title

I like your verses but I think the chorus needs to be changed. It just doesn't grab/move me the way the verses did.

SmileYourSoulIsWatching · 05-29-2004, 08:16 PM

Quote:

i do not think a band-aid will work this time

okay...the song kicked @$$ but...one thing bugged me to all hell...gotta change band-aid. Something more fancy....Tourniquet might work or something like that...

PbEknight777 · 06-03-2004, 10:19 AM

up to the top

Ashes In Your Mouth · 06-03-2004, 12:17 PM

I like the verses but I don't like the chorus

Ashes In Your Mouth · 06-03-2004, 12:18 PM

change band-aid to bandage

PbEknight777 · 06-05-2004, 02:16 PM

yeah i agree with you all about the chorus it kinda sucks

PbEknight777 · 06-16-2004, 04:48 PM

up to the top

PbEknight777 · 07-19-2004, 05:28 PM

up to the top

gottiagoreallybad · 07-19-2004, 05:54 PM

Maybe try adding a second chorus after the 2nd verse that would help flow into the 3rd verse and the chorus ends the song really well.

PbEknight777 · 07-20-2004, 02:28 PM

okay thanx good idea

IRace2BeatGuys · 07-20-2004, 02:40 PM

hey i liked the band aid part-shows hes a real person not using big fancy words. i like it

knifeinhandbassist · 07-20-2004, 03:53 PM

the second two lines in verse one i dont think make too much sense. i mean they flow and all but i just dont understand what youre trying to say you know. otherwise this is a pretty solid song.

Chucktaylor_chick18 · 07-20-2004, 06:43 PM

I love it " stepped on a slice of my own memories, it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed"...i really like that line...

as for a name..
cut through my tough life [get to the bottom of things]? maybe?

pixiesfanyo · 07-20-2004, 06:47 PM

Yuck. It's like everything else I've ever read on this website. So I'll give you no points at all.

You should entitle this song "Crawling" since Linkin' Park already made it.

0.03/10

CofDdrums12 · 11-05-2004, 04:57 PM

Quote:

walking through the pieces of my shattered life
i find a shard of the things i did in spite
of the fact that what i was doing was wrong
and i regret it now that its said and done

The first two lines rhyme, which was a general theme for your verses...but "wrong" and "done" don't rhyme, I suggest fixing that.

I like everything else though...but...may I suggest making the verses or chorus longer?
It seemed a bit too short.

and for pixiesfanyo...

Quote:

You should entitle this song "Crawling" since Linkin' Park already made it.

I know that song, and this isn't like it. So stop hatin'.

Nice job PbEknight777
8.5/10
Later for you.

***morrissey*** · 11-05-2004, 05:03 PM

I like this more than the other one I just read... it offers some imaginative imagery, I suppose. I'm never very good at explaining why I like certain songs, but I like this one

Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice...

Overall 8/10

05-27-2004, 05:35 PM	#1
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	PLease crit and name [vs1] walking through the pieces of my shattered life i find a shard of the things i did in spite of the fact that what i was doing was wrong and i regret it now that its said and done [ch] why do i do this to my health i'm self destructive why do i do this to myself anti-constructive [vs2] i stepped on a slice of my own memories it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed nothing that i do can heal this soul of mine i do not think a band-aid will work this time [ch] [vs3] who needs enemies when some live inside me and they wage war when someone reminds me i've despised these ghosts for much to long they are the memories that i wish were gone [ch] Last edited by PbEknight777; 05-28-2004 at 10:42 AM.

05-28-2004, 11:58 AM	#3
NoMoreHate Pigeon-holing isn't cool. Join Date: May 2004 Location: UK Posts: 182	Hey, love the imagery of the speaker's "shattered life", especially about being cut by a shard and the bleeding conscience. Very original. best part for me is: "who needs enemies when some live inside me", nice idea. generally good structure and rhyme, couple of rhythm issues tho IMO, for example: "walking through the pieces of my shattered life i find a shard of the things i did in spite" - As i said i like the imagery, but you might want to add another syllable or two in the second line. depends on how you sing it tho i guess. Also slight repetition in the chorus with "why do i do this to my health", and then "why do i do this to myself" I would suggest possibly changing the second part to something like: "what makes me do this to myself". Otherwise, good job i like the theme. Last edited by NoMoreHate; 05-29-2004 at 07:59 AM.

07-20-2004, 06:47 PM	#18
pixiesfanyo huffing & puffing Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: idyllwild, ca Posts: 17,787	Yuck. It's like everything else I've ever read on this website. So I'll give you no points at all. You should entitle this song "Crawling" since Linkin' Park already made it. 0.03/10
	Digging: Do Make Say Think - Other Truths

11-05-2004, 05:03 PM	#20
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	I like this more than the other one I just read... it offers some imaginative imagery, I suppose. I'm never very good at explaining why I like certain songs, but I like this one Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice... Overall 8/10
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

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05-28-2004, 10:42 AM	#2
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	up up up

05-28-2004, 12:01 PM	#4
NoMoreHate Pigeon-holing isn't cool. Join Date: May 2004 Location: UK Posts: 182	As for the name, how about something simple like "broken" or "Shards of life".

05-28-2004, 12:17 PM	#5
Ashes In Your Mouth Registered User Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 54	I like " Shattered Life" as a title I like your verses but I think the chorus needs to be changed. It just doesn't grab/move me the way the verses did.

06-03-2004, 10:19 AM	#7
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	up to the top

06-03-2004, 12:17 PM	#8
Ashes In Your Mouth Registered User Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 54	I like the verses but I don't like the chorus

06-03-2004, 12:18 PM	#9
Ashes In Your Mouth Registered User Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 54	change band-aid to bandage

06-05-2004, 02:16 PM	#10
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	yeah i agree with you all about the chorus it kinda sucks

06-16-2004, 04:48 PM	#11
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	up to the top

07-19-2004, 05:28 PM	#12
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	up to the top

07-19-2004, 05:54 PM	#13
gottiagoreallybad ill smile when ur done Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 39	Maybe try adding a second chorus after the 2nd verse that would help flow into the 3rd verse and the chorus ends the song really well.

07-20-2004, 02:28 PM	#14
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	okay thanx good idea

07-20-2004, 02:40 PM	#15
IRace2BeatGuys All American Rejects Rock Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 103	hey i liked the band aid part-shows hes a real person not using big fancy words. i like it

07-20-2004, 03:53 PM	#16
knifeinhandbassist i like pie Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 26	the second two lines in verse one i dont think make too much sense. i mean they flow and all but i just dont understand what youre trying to say you know. otherwise this is a pretty solid song.

07-20-2004, 06:43 PM	#17
Chucktaylor_chick18 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, CaNaDa Posts: 112	I love it " stepped on a slice of my own memories, it pierced through my skin and made my conscience bleed"...i really like that line... as for a name.. cut through my tough life [get to the bottom of things]? maybe?