Dead End

PbEknight777 · 05-22-2004, 07:16 PM

i took your suggestions and did what i could, what do u think???
this is the finished version

[v1]
i see the signs its a dead end street
want to halt but i cant stop my feet
no control
gonna crash and im gonna burn
but like they said, ill never learn
never learn

[chorus]
"i do whats wrong cuz i dont know whats right
no matter what i do its a constant fight
with myself
i follow clues
but never choose
what is right
i need help
i need help from you"

[v2]
crystal ball i know whats coming
try hard but i cant stop from running
the wrong way
nothing is easy i try to show you
i hurt myself but i dont really mean to
dont mean to

[chorus]

[bridge]
when i look into the mirror
the person i see is the only thing I fear
it is me
you are not blind so try to see
i am my own worst enemy

chorus X2

Dr. Cruces · 05-22-2004, 07:36 PM

Good flow through out the song. There are a few things I can see being a better.

"nothing is easy i try to show you
i hurt myself but i dont really mean to"
I don't like this rhyme. The lyrics are fine but they didn't flow quite as good as the rest. "show you" and "mean to", in my opinion, don't roll off the tounge easily. They do rhyme but they could rhyme better. Anyway, I'm rambling but I hope you get the idea.

The other thing is the bridge
when i look into the mirror
the person i see is the only thing I fear
it is me <- This is just overstating something we should be able to figure out for ourselves, unless we've never looked in a mirror before. In other words I think you could skip that line.
Other than that good job.

Cheers

PbEknight777 · 05-22-2004, 07:41 PM

thanx man keep them comin

PbEknight777 · 05-22-2004, 07:47 PM

inhuman i agree this is the best i have written thanx for the compliment, and i dont care aBOUT CaPiTaLs

immune2u · 05-22-2004, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PbEknight777

i took your suggestions and did what i could, what do u think???
this is the finished version

[v1]
i see the signs its a dead end street
want to halt but i cant stop my feet
no control
gonna crash and im gonna burn
but like they said, ill never learn
never learn

[chorus]
"i do whats wrong cuz i dont know whats right
no matter what i do its a constant fight
with myself
i follow clues
but never choose
what is right
i need help
i need help from you"

[v2]
crystal ball i know whats coming
try hard but i cant stop from running
the wrong way
nothing is easy i try to show you
i hurt myself but i dont really mean to
dont mean to

[chorus]

[bridge]
when i look into the mirror
the person i see is the only thing I fear
it is me
you are not blind so try to see
i am my own worst enemy

chorus X2

dude, i think it's cool. my lyrical style is kinda the same, cool beans

Dishevelbassist · 05-23-2004, 02:38 AM

Depending the music style, I think it is pretty good.

05-23-2004, 02:46 AM

"[v1]
i see the signs its a dead end street
want to halt but i cant stop my feet
no control
gonna crash and im gonna burn
but like they said, ill never learn
never learn"

good intro but you need to be a little more specific. why can't you stop your feet? what are you wearing at this time? who said you'll never learn and why did they want to tell you that?

"[chorus]
"i do whats wrong cuz i dont know whats right
no matter what i do its a constant fight
with myself
i follow clues
but never choose
what is right
i need help
i need help from you""

you say you do whats wrong "cuz" you dont know whats right but, if you know whats wrong (which you naturally do apparently), choose the opposite of your natural instinct, maybe you'll get in less fights then, and who do you need help from?

"[v2]
crystal ball i know whats coming
try hard but i cant stop from running
the wrong way
nothing is easy i try to show you
i hurt myself but i dont really mean to
dont mean to"

ok where did the crystal ball come from? and why are you running (the wrong way)? why are you trying to show the crystal ball that nothing is easy? the crystal ball probably doesnt care, why do you hurt yourself? if you stop running and rest a little bit maybe your calf muscles wouldn't ache so bad

"[bridge]
when i look into the mirror
the person i see is the only thing I fear
it is me
you are not blind so try to see
i am my own worst enemy"

you fear yourself therefore you are fear, to overcome fear you need to hold hands, with yourself, with others, with family, with friends. just hold and be held PbEknight777.

if you want to talk about this more in depth message me at sergeantclownboy on aim

PbEknight777 · 05-27-2004, 05:23 PM

up up up

05-27-2004, 07:33 PM

good song mate i really like that 8\10

CofDdrums12 · 11-05-2004, 04:49 PM

8.25/10 ... I like. Had a nice readable flow, and I like that when I don't have the music to listen to.
The [bridge] is awesome. Nice job on the whole thing.
Rock on.
Later for you.

PbEknight777 · 11-05-2004, 05:13 PM

cofd thanks, i agree with the readable flow thing, i hate when i cant find the flow on other peopls songs

05-22-2004, 07:16 PM	#1
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	Dead End i took your suggestions and did what i could, what do u think??? this is the finished version [v1] i see the signs its a dead end street want to halt but i cant stop my feet no control gonna crash and im gonna burn but like they said, ill never learn never learn [chorus] "i do whats wrong cuz i dont know whats right no matter what i do its a constant fight with myself i follow clues but never choose what is right i need help i need help from you" [v2] crystal ball i know whats coming try hard but i cant stop from running the wrong way nothing is easy i try to show you i hurt myself but i dont really mean to dont mean to [chorus] [bridge] when i look into the mirror the person i see is the only thing I fear it is me you are not blind so try to see i am my own worst enemy chorus X2

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05-22-2004, 07:36 PM	#2
Dr. Cruces mx encore Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 47	Good flow through out the song. There are a few things I can see being a better. "nothing is easy i try to show you i hurt myself but i dont really mean to" I don't like this rhyme. The lyrics are fine but they didn't flow quite as good as the rest. "show you" and "mean to", in my opinion, don't roll off the tounge easily. They do rhyme but they could rhyme better. Anyway, I'm rambling but I hope you get the idea. The other thing is the bridge when i look into the mirror the person i see is the only thing I fear it is me <- This is just overstating something we should be able to figure out for ourselves, unless we've never looked in a mirror before. In other words I think you could skip that line. Other than that good job. Cheers

05-22-2004, 07:41 PM	#3
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	thanx man keep them comin

05-22-2004, 07:47 PM	#4
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	inhuman i agree this is the best i have written thanx for the compliment, and i dont care aBOUT CaPiTaLs

05-23-2004, 02:38 AM	#6
Dishevelbassist Pantera is the greatest! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Paintsville KY Posts: 5	Depending the music style, I think it is pretty good.

05-23-2004, 02:46 AM	#7
MightyPOOsticK Guest Posts: n/a	"[v1] i see the signs its a dead end street want to halt but i cant stop my feet no control gonna crash and im gonna burn but like they said, ill never learn never learn" good intro but you need to be a little more specific. why can't you stop your feet? what are you wearing at this time? who said you'll never learn and why did they want to tell you that? "[chorus] "i do whats wrong cuz i dont know whats right no matter what i do its a constant fight with myself i follow clues but never choose what is right i need help i need help from you"" you say you do whats wrong "cuz" you dont know whats right but, if you know whats wrong (which you naturally do apparently), choose the opposite of your natural instinct, maybe you'll get in less fights then, and who do you need help from? "[v2] crystal ball i know whats coming try hard but i cant stop from running the wrong way nothing is easy i try to show you i hurt myself but i dont really mean to dont mean to" ok where did the crystal ball come from? and why are you running (the wrong way)? why are you trying to show the crystal ball that nothing is easy? the crystal ball probably doesnt care, why do you hurt yourself? if you stop running and rest a little bit maybe your calf muscles wouldn't ache so bad "[bridge] when i look into the mirror the person i see is the only thing I fear it is me you are not blind so try to see i am my own worst enemy" you fear yourself therefore you are fear, to overcome fear you need to hold hands, with yourself, with others, with family, with friends. just hold and be held PbEknight777. if you want to talk about this more in depth message me at sergeantclownboy on aim

05-27-2004, 05:23 PM	#8
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	up up up

05-27-2004, 07:33 PM	#9
Guitarman1234 Guest Posts: n/a	good song mate i really like that 8\10

11-05-2004, 04:49 PM	#10
CofDdrums12 Some guy Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 304	8.25/10 ... I like. Had a nice readable flow, and I like that when I don't have the music to listen to. The [bridge] is awesome. Nice job on the whole thing. Rock on. Later for you.

11-05-2004, 05:13 PM	#11
PbEknight777 -53 rep points yay! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Zimmerman, Minnesota Posts: 159	cofd thanks, i agree with the readable flow thing, i hate when i cant find the flow on other peopls songs