new song i wrote

mshort813 · 04-23-2004, 11:22 AM

You're silouette is drawn in my mind.
It darkens with every note I find.
Notes filled with hatred, love, despair.
They conceal me with every swear.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.

I hear your soft voice for it's the only reason I know I'm alive.
It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries.
It accompanies me on my long trip home.
It chills me to my every bone.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.

give me some feedback on this song and ill help you with some of your own.

Davie_NFG · 04-23-2004, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mshort813

You're silouette is drawn in my mind.
It darkens with every note I find.
Notes filled with hatred, love, despair.
They conceal me with every swear.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.

I hear your soft cry for it's the only reason I know I'm alive.
It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries.
It accompanies me on my long trip home.
It chills me to my every bone.

CHORUS:
My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.

give me some feedback on this song and ill help you with some of your own.

Hey, i like this, it has a meaning and the ryhme scheme isn't using obvious ryhmes, i like the way you have incorporated the 1st line of the song to last line of the chorus, very nice touch, altho the second verse doesnt seem to flow with the 1st, altho this may b because the vocals speed up? i know this happens in some of my songs and people dont understand it, but all in all a very good song, keep writing, i'd love to see wot u produce next.

P.S Could u plz crit my song its called "break of day", there are 2 versions plz crit the both of them to c the differences, thanx

mshort813 · 04-23-2004, 12:04 PM

ok thanks for the crit. yeah i want to change the second verse but i was having some trouble with it so i thought i would post it anyway. i posted something in your song "break of day". its in the newer one.

Timetolivealittle · 04-23-2004, 12:10 PM

I like it, it's cool... you're right about the second verse, maybe you should think about a different way of saying cries? cry and cries make it sound fairly repetitive, even though its not really...

Yep, its good, what sort of music is it going to be put to?

acousticelectricequilibrium · 04-23-2004, 12:14 PM

id like to no what kind of music u intend to put it to but it sounds great so far.

mshort813 · 04-23-2004, 12:16 PM

yeah thanks. uh its going to be sort of a punk-pop song but it sounds a little more hardcore than pop.

Timetolivealittle · 04-23-2004, 12:21 PM

what, sort of blink-182 type stuff? I think that would be good, i think it goes well with the genre. Its perhaps a little emo-y, but i'm not sure... lots of sad, angry references, it's very good.

mshort813 · 04-23-2004, 12:24 PM

not really so much blink 182 but something more like green day or offspring.

acousticelectricequilibrium · 04-23-2004, 12:25 PM

yeah i think it sounds pretty emo but i guess u could do it as punk if u put a certain vibe/ sound to the voice keep it up

mshort813 · 04-23-2004, 12:29 PM

yeah the lyrics could easily fall into a emo genre. my band wrote the intrumental part for this song and i think the lyrics flow pretty nicely with the music in the song so thats why its hard to think of this song as emo but thats only for me.

rest_in_pieces · 04-23-2004, 02:35 PM

i liked that, i could easily envision that as a song.

the only thing i can point out (which you'll probably be able to clear up) is this:

"They conceal me with every swear"

I wasnt sure what that meant.

Good job though,

Could you crit my song please?: [URL=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172702&page=1&pp=20]Click here[/url]

byron meiring · 04-23-2004, 02:49 PM

hey dude
can you crit my song its not finished yet, but what do you think so far.
she likes the sound of rain on the tin roof.
she likes it when it falls down, then she cries because of me and i know its wrong.

she likes to tell me she doesnt care
she likes to think im unaware, and then she smiles because of me and know shes gone.

chorus
cos lately i see im notpretending to be but i, i keep on smilling
and lately i see its notyou but its me, but my world keeps on falling
and baby believe im the one who can see all your mourning.

anybody who knows what theyre talking bout can crit my song.

deadpuppy · 04-23-2004, 02:52 PM

i liked this, it reminded me of a kind of horror-movie song for some reason, i'm not sure why. it's pretty good, can't think of any specific genre it could belong to though.
and byron meirling? don't place your song in someone elses thread, post your own thread.

limemachine · 11-05-2004, 10:35 PM

hey byron meiring crit this kid first then ill crit yours
wait i already did
it needs work.
Shaboing

amp7325 · 11-05-2004, 11:13 PM

I think the song is pretty good. Although it's kinda short, I don't really see anything that jumps out at me as not belonging in the song. However, right before the second chorus, "It chills me to my every bone." Maybe use another word instead of bone, because the chorus starts out with bone. Maybe "It chills me to my very core" or something like that.

***morrissey*** · 11-06-2004, 12:26 AM

I like this song, though it is short and could definitely be expanded on. I like your rhyme scheme, it doesn't sound to cheesy or forced. You offer some good imagery (the line "sunlight bleeding" is very good), and overall I do enjoy this song, it flows well.

Overall 7.8/10

SPyK · 11-06-2004, 01:40 PM

The chorus-
'My bones weaken with every hit I take.
With every move, my muscles ache.
The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind.'

looks simelar to 3 days grace- i hate everything about you, but otherwise a cool song

mshort813 · 11-06-2004, 01:52 PM

aight, i dont like my song, so can we stop bumping it to tell me it sounds like three days grace. yeah, thanks. and also, i apreciate the crits.

Rousseau · 11-06-2004, 04:43 PM

"The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds
And your silouette is drawn in my mind."

this is excellent. the image that it depicts is quite sinister and unsettling.

"It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries."

this line doens't completely convince me, something about it is odd. I don't know why or what exactly.
Overall i think its pretty good.

limemachine · 11-08-2004, 02:47 PM

that dog.

04-23-2004, 11:22 AM	#1
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	new song i wrote You're silouette is drawn in my mind. It darkens with every note I find. Notes filled with hatred, love, despair. They conceal me with every swear. CHORUS: My bones weaken with every hit I take. With every move, my muscles ache. The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds And your silouette is drawn in my mind. I hear your soft voice for it's the only reason I know I'm alive. It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries. It accompanies me on my long trip home. It chills me to my every bone. CHORUS: My bones weaken with every hit I take. With every move, my muscles ache. The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds And your silouette is drawn in my mind. give me some feedback on this song and ill help you with some of your own. Last edited by mshort813; 11-05-2004 at 10:55 PM.

11-06-2004, 12:26 AM	#16
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	I like this song, though it is short and could definitely be expanded on. I like your rhyme scheme, it doesn't sound to cheesy or forced. You offer some good imagery (the line "sunlight bleeding" is very good), and overall I do enjoy this song, it flows well. Overall 7.8/10
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04-23-2004, 12:04 PM	#3
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	ok thanks for the crit. yeah i want to change the second verse but i was having some trouble with it so i thought i would post it anyway. i posted something in your song "break of day". its in the newer one.

04-23-2004, 12:10 PM	#4
Timetolivealittle So long, Marianne Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Four Oaks, England Posts: 68	I like it, it's cool... you're right about the second verse, maybe you should think about a different way of saying cries? cry and cries make it sound fairly repetitive, even though its not really... Yep, its good, what sort of music is it going to be put to?

04-23-2004, 12:14 PM	#5
acousticelectricequilibrium his name is meatball! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: nz Posts: 29	id like to no what kind of music u intend to put it to but it sounds great so far.

04-23-2004, 12:16 PM	#6
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	yeah thanks. uh its going to be sort of a punk-pop song but it sounds a little more hardcore than pop.

04-23-2004, 12:21 PM	#7
Timetolivealittle So long, Marianne Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Four Oaks, England Posts: 68	what, sort of blink-182 type stuff? I think that would be good, i think it goes well with the genre. Its perhaps a little emo-y, but i'm not sure... lots of sad, angry references, it's very good.

04-23-2004, 12:24 PM	#8
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	not really so much blink 182 but something more like green day or offspring.

04-23-2004, 12:25 PM	#9
acousticelectricequilibrium his name is meatball! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: nz Posts: 29	yeah i think it sounds pretty emo but i guess u could do it as punk if u put a certain vibe/ sound to the voice keep it up

04-23-2004, 12:29 PM	#10
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	yeah the lyrics could easily fall into a emo genre. my band wrote the intrumental part for this song and i think the lyrics flow pretty nicely with the music in the song so thats why its hard to think of this song as emo but thats only for me.

04-23-2004, 02:35 PM	#11
rest_in_pieces Dunghyde Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Dorset, UK Posts: 599	i liked that, i could easily envision that as a song. the only thing i can point out (which you'll probably be able to clear up) is this: "They conceal me with every swear" I wasnt sure what that meant. Good job though, Could you crit my song please?: [URL=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172702&page=1&pp=20]Click here[/url]

04-23-2004, 02:49 PM	#12
byron meiring Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: south africa Posts: 3	hey dude can you crit my song its not finished yet, but what do you think so far. she likes the sound of rain on the tin roof. she likes it when it falls down, then she cries because of me and i know its wrong. she likes to tell me she doesnt care she likes to think im unaware, and then she smiles because of me and know shes gone. chorus cos lately i see im notpretending to be but i, i keep on smilling and lately i see its notyou but its me, but my world keeps on falling and baby believe im the one who can see all your mourning. anybody who knows what theyre talking bout can crit my song.

04-23-2004, 02:52 PM	#13
deadpuppy TRBNGR MTHFCKR Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: In "The Midlands" Posts: 433	i liked this, it reminded me of a kind of horror-movie song for some reason, i'm not sure why. it's pretty good, can't think of any specific genre it could belong to though. and byron meirling? don't place your song in someone elses thread, post your own thread.

11-05-2004, 10:35 PM	#14
limemachine out of site Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: the indie Posts: 92	hey byron meiring crit this kid first then ill crit yours wait i already did it needs work. Shaboing

11-05-2004, 11:13 PM	#15
amp7325 Resident Jew Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Maine Posts: 143	I think the song is pretty good. Although it's kinda short, I don't really see anything that jumps out at me as not belonging in the song. However, right before the second chorus, "It chills me to my every bone." Maybe use another word instead of bone, because the chorus starts out with bone. Maybe "It chills me to my very core" or something like that.

11-06-2004, 01:40 PM	#17
SPyK Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Luton UK Posts: 7	The chorus- 'My bones weaken with every hit I take. With every move, my muscles ache. The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds And your silouette is drawn in my mind.' looks simelar to 3 days grace- i hate everything about you, but otherwise a cool song

11-06-2004, 01:52 PM	#18
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	aight, i dont like my song, so can we stop bumping it to tell me it sounds like three days grace. yeah, thanks. and also, i apreciate the crits.

11-06-2004, 04:43 PM	#19
Rousseau Registered User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 24	"The sunlight is bleeding through the blinds And your silouette is drawn in my mind." this is excellent. the image that it depicts is quite sinister and unsettling. "It's barely above a whisper but still above all the other cries." this line doens't completely convince me, something about it is odd. I don't know why or what exactly. Overall i think its pretty good.

11-08-2004, 02:47 PM	#20
limemachine out of site Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: the indie Posts: 92	that dog.