Review Proofreading Thread

[menawati]

Thanks for that, changed the sentence as advised.
And I know what you mean about the 'organic rock' thing, if it was some phrase I'd made up I would do as you suggest but it's an exact phrase the band actually used to describe their music so it's probably best as it is.

[AtomicWaste]

Might be better to throw it in quotes than italicize it, then. Quotes kind of show that it's a nickname or a given name, italics denote more of an emphasis. Though there should be enough emphasis with quotes to get both sentiments across.

Just a thought.

[Trebor17]

"Brave Bird prove that while having complete sentences for album titles may not be one of the band's strongest points, a pension for diversity in songwriting certainly is."

I really feel like this sentence shouldn't end on "is" but I can't think of a better way to word it.

[menawati]

Did you mean 'penchant' ?
Any way could try...
While Brave Bird's foible for using complete sentences for album titles may not be one of their strongest points, their penchant for diverse songwriting is on display in abundance.

Maybe it's best to just split the two ideas into separate sentences though.

[Trebor17]

Yeah I couldn't think of the word I meant so I put pension. I could make it two sentences, but it's supposed to be like a joke which is why it's hard to word

[AtomicWaste]

Yeah, menawati knows what's up. Sorry I didn't see this earlier!

[Keyblade]

My first review. Just want to get this album a bit more recognition on here so I'm not too fussed about how great it is, but something feels off. Any suggestions?
_____________

Ambient music is arguably the most ideal form of background music. Calmly floating in the background, it is rarely obtrusive and highly atmospheric. That isn’t to say that an ambient album cannot be engaging or cannot be enjoyed with one’s full attention. For when done right, this style of music can absorb and transport any listener who is willing. One such album is Ambiant Otaku by Japanese electronic producer Tetsu Inoue. Released on Pete Namlook’s (who sadly passed away a couple of months prior to the writing of this review) fairly prolific FAX label in 1994, Ambiant Otaku is one of the most important releases on said label and perhaps the ambient genre at large.

While that may be a slightly bold claim to make, Inoue does his best to convince the listener it is the case throughout the 72 minute runtime of this album. The songs all surpass the 10 minute mark with ease and are largely beat-less despite this being an electronic album. The songs are seemingly crafted to put the listener in a trance, and there is plenty of repetition to aid this goal without the music ever becoming tedious. Ethereal synths swirl in and out of the listener’s grasp while they are lulled into a daze by the hypnotic nature of this album.

No track better embodies this description than the opener and perhaps the best track, ‘Karmic Light’. Opening with a gliding drone the song envelops the listener with it’s tranquility before a pulsating and ethereal synth line gradually creeps its way out of obscurity and into the forefront of the song. This line loops and loops until it almost becomes hypnotic. This all comes to near silence around half way through with only what sounds like a breeze to keep the listener from breaking from their trance. The track closes out with drones that fade ever-so slowly to silence, similar in sound to the ones that introduced it. Without trying to sound like a broken record, it is all very hypnotic.

In addition to its otherworldly aural qualities, Ambiant Otaku is also a very diverse album; no two songs sound the same. ‘Low of Vibration’ is a lullaby of sorts, with a quiet ringing sound and swells of bass permeating the track. ‘Holy Dance’, another stand out track is as the name hints at, an almost ritualistic song. Beginning with some heavily reverb-drowned chanting, it soon develops into the most involved track on this album. It also contains the most pronounced use of percussion found here (though it is very minimal) as well, which adds to the tribal feel of the song.

In short, Ambiant Otaku is an extremely atmospheric album that should appeal to any fan of ambient or electronic music. While not an easy listen at 72 minutes, it will definitely satisfy those looking for music to get lost to.

[toxin.]

"with it’s tranquility"
its*
"This all comes to near silence around half way through"
halfway*
"Without trying to sound like a broken record, it is all very hypnotic."
Two issues with this.
1) You do sound like a broken record---can you really not think of an adequate synonym to replace 'hypnotic' in one instance.
2) If you plan on keeping the sentence, then you have a misplaced modifier. I'm assuming you didn't mean "it" (the song?) isn't trying to sound like a broken record.
"Opening with a gliding drone the song envelops the listener with it’s tranquility before a pulsating and ethereal synth line gradually creeps its way out of obscurity and into the forefront of the song."
Just put a comma after "drone" to make it a bit clearer.
"also contains the most pronounced use of percussion found here (though it is very minimal) as well"
This isn't grammatically incorrect but imo it'd flow better if you said "though it is still very minimal." I might be misinterpreting what you mean, though.
----
That's about it in terms of grammar. I'm not a huge fan of your writing style in general so I won't really recommend any specific stylistic edits. (If you're wondering why, it's a matter of taste. You use a lot of "______ is a ______" type sentences. They end up being unnecessarily verbose while sounding simultaneously choppy, and they generally end up invoking the intention fallacy (of authorial fallacy). I can't say everyone else will agree with me on this point though so take what I say with a grain of salt.)

[Keyblade]

yeah I noticed the spelling and grammar errors when proofreading. but you're right about how it sounds, it's just what I suspected. not sure if I'll rewrite it though as I'm not too worried about how good a review it is. thanks for the feedback, I'll keep it in mind if I write another review.

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[slipnslide]

Hi, I'd like to report a spam bot

[GnarlyShillelagh]

I can't help you with that right now, sorry.

[CK]

Hello everyone!

I just posted a review for Polyenso's new album One Big Particular Loop, and so far I have gotten one neg without any constructive feedback or criticism. Do you think guys could help me out? Let me know of any awkward phrasing or something that just doesn't make sense?

[fish.]

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/55105/Iceage-Youre-Nothing/

Is this actually that bad?

[AtomicWaste]

It lacks flow and there are some grammar issues. Also, it doesn't really have a conclusion and just sort of stops. So... It's not atrocious, but there's a decent amount that could be done to improve it.

[DAKODA]

Just wanted to get a little feedback on this review.



Starting off with the very aggressive first track, Premeditated, you'll get a good feel for what you're getting into, or so you'd think but there are some nice surprises to be found here. I can really admire the sound effects used. It has a nice industrial vibe, as if someone filled a bucket full of nails and starting rattling it. And now the guitars are doing something different than the usual chugging. The lead guitars are all over the place and sound pretty spooky, especially in The Devil's Contract and Fiction Religion.

Pushing through the next three tracks, Fiction Religion, Digging Your Grave and Population Control we get more of the heavy side. Digging Your Grace has some quite remarkable moments, like the scratchy airy intro and the intense ending. Fast pace verses and flowing chorus's make this one of the better tracks. As for the other two tracks. They have pretty awful chorus's. though Population Control does have this amazing rap section about half way through, This is a strong point that they shouldn't let go of. the clean vocals really are hit or miss. Tracks such as Troll, Sober and Soulless and Glad You're Gone have such well performed and admirable cleans.

Troll, is borderline speed metal, with a bounce bass intro and a huge breakdown toward the end. All supported by a great deal of dynamic mid tone screams. I consider this song to be a transition for the the better tracks. This is how they shouldn't have started it. Following Troll is The Devil's Contract. Such a great track that personally reminds me of Rob Zombie of Mairylin Manson. Verses are heavy and memorable and vocals are eerie and well done with quite a bit of unique lead guitar. Often times you'll hear frontman Landon Tewers whispering and getting angry. Almost like we're in his head.

Two of my favorite tracks Shyann Weeps and Bible Butcher have a powerful southern sound, much like their EP, Wife Beater. I want more songs like this. These two songs are also very similar to The Devil's contract. Drumming on these tracks are actually worth mentioning. Not doing a whole lot but doing a enough different things to catch my attention.

Between Shyann Weeps and Bible Butcher we do get a good softer song. This one sounds like an anthem. very alternative, you could say. It's more of a rock song than metal. Which they executed very well and is a nice break from all the racket.

At last, we reach my favorite song on the album, Glad You're Gone. This was originally a solo song of the vocalist's. this track is flawless. You could almost consider it pop punk. No screams. Very polished clean vocals with a chorus to die for and lead guitar that will be stuck in your head the second you hear it.

Overall: this is an outstanding record. Filled with emotion and well written music although if you're looking for great musicianship; you probably won't find it here.

[JeudyEv]

Hey guys this is my first review, what do you think i should add or change

This is my first regiew so I picked a band from my country to start.

Costa Rica is a small country with some Metal bands growing and growing in the last years like Pneuma, Sight of Emptiness, Corpse Garden and of course, Advent of Bedlam.

There are hundreds of Melodic Death Metal albums that sound all the same, but "Behold the Chaos" is one of the exceptions.
It starts with a 40 seconds instrumental opening track that leads us to a fast, heavy and agressive song titled "Enlightment of the Forsaken" which is the least melodic song but with some great riffs, consistent drumming and well structured tempo changes.
The rest of the album offers a great mix and great changes between catchy melodies without being tedius and energetic blasts.

The vocals of Roy Zumbado are pretty good, alternating crude but effective highs and lows with the different riffs shown throughout each song, this alternating vocals and the diversity of riffs is what makes this album not one of the many, wich is one of the problems nowadays with melodeath, most bands keep repeating the same formulaic riffs over and over again giving the feel the you have been listening to a 50 minutes song all the time, well Max Gutiérrez and Isak Arroyo know how to write riffs. Then we have the drums playing a very important role, wich are no what you would generally expect from a melodeath album, Alex Ovares does a great work with incessant blasts beats and double bass throughout the whole album giving a powerfull sound to each song, also the tempo changes are very well structured with some groovy rythms.

If you are looking for a different Melodic Death Metal album give "Behold the Chaos" a try, while all not the tracks are very memorable the album is pretty solid with great riffs, good vocals and great drumming.

Recommended tracks

Awaiting for Chaos
Harp of Ruin
Vessels of Sin

[toxin.]

"The vocals of Roy Zumbado..."
That paragraph is a nasty run-on sentence (technically a comma splice). You also misspelled "which." I'm sure others can give more detailed advice, but those were two things that immediately caught my eye.

[AtomicWaste]

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

Hey guys this is my first review, what do you think i should add or change

This is my first regiew so I picked a band from my country to start.

Hi, I'm Tom. I'll be your grammar nazi for the evening. Strap in and try not to cry.

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

Costa Rica is a small country with some Metal bands growing and growing in the last years like Pneuma, Sight of Emptiness, Corpse Garden and of course, Advent of Bedlam.

Okay, point number 1: "growing and growing" obviously doesn't work to connect the small country and its metal bands properly. Furthermore, the "growing" status of the metal bands seems arbitrary (how tall are these guys? 8'3"?) and I think you're trying to describe the increasing number of quality Costa Rican metal bands, which is unclear here. Fix that. Furthermore, this is just one sentence, and isn't enough to stand on its own as a paragraph, especially given that the next sentence is:

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

There are hundreds of Melodic Death Metal albums that sound all the same, but "Behold the Chaos" is one of the exceptions.

While I'm (relatively) sure that this is a tack-on to your last named band (Advent of Bedlam) describing their album ("Behold the Chaos," a title which should be in italics rather than quotes), it's still a really ambiguous sentence that has little connection to the previous sentigraph. You need a segue like "The most recent album from Advent, Behold the Chaos, is a rare exception in the modern world of same-sounding melodic death metal releases." Or something like that. But don't use that. Because I wrote that and using what I wrote would be plagiarism.

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

It starts with a 40 seconds instrumental opening track that leads us to a fast, heavy and agressive song titled "Enlightment of the Forsaken" which is the least melodic song but with some great riffs, consistent drumming and well structured tempo changes.

Everything in bold should be modified, as should the start of this sentence, which is sort of weak (but I'll leave you to sort that issue on your own). "Seconds" should be "second," you misspelled "aggressive," you misspelled "Enlightenment," "the least melodic song" needs something to be compared to (i.e. write it as "the least melodic song on the album" - you can use that). The "but with some" should essentially start a new sentence describing the same song. I'll leave it up to you to figure out how to do that, but it shouldn't be too hard.

The next part is still a part of this paragraph, technically, but there's zero connection between the two sentences, which still aren't enough to hold together on their own as a paragraph.

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

The rest of the album offers a great mix and great changes between catchy melodies without being tedius and energetic blasts.

"Great" is kind of a weak descriptor in music journalism to begin with, but when you use it twice in a row it loses meaning. Pick a new word for the second descriptor (or cut it out altogether). "Changes between" is an awkward phrasing which I wouldn't recommend using. "Variation between" or, better yet, "variety of" would be better suited to your purposes, but you could also find another word pairing that would work better. If you tried.

"tedious" is misspelled. "And energetic blasts" makes no sense and is hurled onto the end of that sentence like a drunk girl hurling the evening's salad onto the curb: without tact. Kill it or fix it.

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

The vocals of Roy Zumbado are pretty good, alternating crude but effective highs and lows with the different riffs shown throughout each song, this alternating vocals and the diversity of riffs is what makes this album not one of the many, wich is one of the problems nowadays with melodeath, most bands keep repeating the same formulaic riffs over and over again giving the feel the you have been listening to a 50 minutes song all the time, well Max Gutiérrez and Isak Arroyo know how to write riffs. Then we have the drums playing a very important role, wich are no what you would generally expect from a melodeath album, Alex Ovares does a great work with incessant blasts beats and double bass throughout the whole album giving a powerfull sound to each song, also the tempo changes are very well structured with some groovy rythms.

Any time you see two words with a comma between them bolded in the previous paragraph, change the comma to a period and capitalize the second word to start a new sentence.

Any word that is bolded by itself is misspelled ("rythms" should be "rhythms"), the wrong word by way of misspelling ("no" should be "not"), or is plural when it shouldn't be ("blasts beats" should also be "blast beats"). Yes, there's more than just what I pointed out in parenthesis, but I've bolded it all for you. You should be able to figure it out.

"with the different riffs shown" - I think you're going for the idea that he modifies his voice based on the guitar riffs - high or low depending on what he gets from the six string. That's not super clear here. And "shown" is a poor word for describing riffs being played, blasted, strummed, chugged, whatever. I cannot see riffs while listening to an album.

"This alternating vocals and riffs" is not grammatically correct. You could say "The alternating vocals and riffs." In fact, just do that. I can't be assed to come up with a better way to say it right now.

"melodeath," should be "melodeath:" But let's focus on the bigger issues.

"giving the feel the you have" should be something like "giving you the feeling that you have." I think. I hope?

There should be a comma after that well. But make sure you turn the comma before it into a period and capitalize it first.

"Then we have the drums" is a terribly weak transition and the drums have nothing to do with anything earlier on in the paragraph. You should figure out a way to fix that. If you can.

"does a great work" should just be "does great work" or "does a great job." That was an easy one!

That's it for that paragraph. Whew.

Originally Posted by JeudyEv

If you are looking for a different Melodic Death Metal album give "Behold the Chaos" a try, while all not the tracks are very memorable the album is pretty solid with great riffs, good vocals and great drumming.

Again, split the sentence at the comma. Same rules as before.

"pretty solid with great riffs" could be something like "pretty solid and has great riffs." It's still not a good sentence that way, but it'd make it better. This paragraph is still really, really weak regardless.

I get the impression that English isn't your first language. If so, that's alright - this is way better than I could do in any language other than my own. But if I'm being brutally honest, you need reinforcement in the language before you should consider writing articles of professional quality in it.

If English is your primary language, then god help us all.

[Greg.]

I'm pretty sure they speak Spanish in Costa Rica. So it's all well and good.