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Old 10-04-2012, 02:22 PM   #1
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sewn

i'm not sure what i'm actually gonna title this yet. these are the lyrics to a song i wrote


oh, seraph from above came down
her fire burned brightly through her gown
my heart is not my own
she and i are together sewn

oh, seraph from above came down
lost not her beauty with her feathered crown
my heart is not my own
she and i are forever sewn
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:20 PM   #2
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Dont be afraid to not rhyme
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:30 AM   #3
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Kitsch got it on the head here
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:34 PM   #4
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idk i usually like rhyming. it makes writing more of a challenge. i feel more accomplished after writing something i like that adheres to a strict rhyme scheme or syllabic structure or somethin. not that this one was a particularly difficult exercise in either of those
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:07 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitsch View Post
Dont be afraid to not rhyme
i refer you to pale fire

not rhyming is for amateurs
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:32 PM   #6
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seriously though

shut the fuck up you fucking confused phonies
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:49 PM   #7
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Are u n2p?
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:51 PM   #8
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i was
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:53 PM   #9
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Sup bro
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:06 PM   #10
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you need to work on your fear of rhyming
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:27 PM   #11
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I dont have a fear of rhyming, this dudes rhymes just sucked so hed be better off not doing it till he gets better.
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:31 PM   #12
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better off not rhyming till you get better at rhyming, eh

also

why not say "do better rhymes" instead of "don't rhyme"
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:36 PM   #13
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Its not just the rhyming that isnt good.

Writing practice is writing practice and skills are transferable, not at a 1:1 ratio but it does help.
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:37 PM   #14
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i know the poem sucks and you're not going to teach me anything about writing

this is about you
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:42 PM   #15
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Im not attempting to teach you anything, just explaining my thoughts in response to your questions

What about me

Look deep into my soul and tell me my biggest fears, insecurities and inner conflicts
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:47 PM   #16
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you're actually generally afraid to rhyme because you think it might garner the distaste of the peers that you simultaneously despise and seek to impress

this is because you associate rhyming with school exercises or quaint and naive visions of historical/social writing or some shit. i'm not gonna get that tedious with this but yeah there you have it
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:57 PM   #17
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A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up
Twisted around into an awful mess
Knots that grip the heart and beat thump thump thump

Our dialog had run its course of luck
And the words fell upon the ground to rest
A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up

Our bodies intertwined (bite my tongue rough!)
And the words fell out our mouths like a breath
Knots that grip the heart and beat thump thump thump

The castles are cooling into a clump
Our tongues play a hollow game of chess
A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up

Now you have left me miles out of touch
And I wrap my arms around what Gods bless
Knots that grip the heart and beat thump thump thump

Fermented liquids swirl around a cup
And heat my body like a sweet caress
A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up
Knots that grip the heart and beat thump thump thump
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:01 PM   #18
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I like rhyming but most of my poems are glorified journal entries so i dont put the time or effort into structuring it because it doesnt serve the purpose im seeking. With exceptions of course, sometimes structure stimulates cathartic writing.

Also the songs i write usually have slight rhymes
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:03 PM   #19
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that's terrible rhyming
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:07 PM   #20
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and slight rhymes don't count
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:07 PM   #21
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Okay.
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:09 PM   #22
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Slight rhymes > hard rhymes

The latter is clunky unless done expertly

Im not too proud of the poem but it was the first one that i found in my archive that rhymed, shit is from 3 - 4 years ago, but i dont think its terrible
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:21 PM   #23
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the latter is clunky unless it's not
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:15 PM   #24
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what you need to understand is that poetry is artifice

it's really, really difficult to craft an essential poem. for the conveyance of ideas, even emotions, the essay form is almost always most appropriate

poetry is inherently about self-imposed limitation, form

that's not to say that there is an archetypal pattern, that everything should be in iambic pentameter or something

but that the form cannot be purely incidental, secondary to our childish vomitings

skilfull hard rhymes could result in a more sublime product and would be more truly poetic. they are poetically aspirational
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:23 PM   #25
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sooo do either of you have any specific criticisms that you'd like to share? cuz right now we're at "the rhymes suck and the poem sucks"
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:08 AM   #26
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unimportant
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:06 AM   #27
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hmm
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