Review Proofreading Thread

[SgtPepper]

What do you guys think of this review? I really like this review, I love the way I describe the music.... but the more I read it, I feel like the words are too "flowery" and maybe the descriptions sound a little pretentious, I dont know, any suggestions?

The Antlers- Undersea
Why do we listen to music? What is it about these arrangements of manipulated sounds that mean so much to us? Music seems to have this undeniable power over us, inducing an almost hypnotic effect with the ability to influence our mind. No matter what emotion is being evoked in a song, if the music manages to captivate us just enough, it possesses us to feel that same emotion. A lot of musicians thrive on that effect, orchestrating the sounds of their instruments into exuding a jubilant sound that overwhelms us with excitement, or creating a dreary and calmative melody that relaxes our senses into alleviation.

Undersea induces the very kind of sensation that its name implies. It has us floating along in a sea of euphoric ambience, so delicate and alluring that we immediately give up all restraint and simply let ourselves sink deeper into its musical trance. As the music of "Drift Drive" begins to blossom, it creates this exquisitely sedating environment. The gentle strums of the guitar, the soothing expressions that exude from the saxophone, the decorative flourishes that subtly burst out of the synthesizers- all of these components exist around the rhythmic framework of the drums, providing the recipe for a harmonious ecstasy to elate our perception with absolute bliss. And of course, there is the voice of Peter Silberman that serves to guide us through this imaginative descent into psychedelia.

"Endless Ladder" and "Crest" continue to explore a similar theme, but with very different agendas. "Endless Ladder" emphasizes much more on atmospheric textures than the rest of the songs, becoming a medley of ambient sounds that live to merely arouse the senses and distract the mind from its surroundings. "Crest" derives into a very smooth and Jazzy texture that continues to alleviate with a very calming soundscape. And finally we have "Zelda", which is certainly the highlight of this already joyously opulent journey. The musical structure of "Zelda" is much more lively. It is a symphony of kaleidoscopic sounds that jubilantly dance around our consciousness, leaving us to lose ourselves in a euphoric daydream. This is a very impressive EP and it shows The Antlers harnessing a truly captivating sound that leaves its listener astray in a haze of psychedelic delight. I highly recommend this, as it will be sure to leave you amazed as it hypnotizes you right out of this world.

[taylormemer]

First paragraph is not worth reading to be honest.

[SowingSeason]

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what the point of the opening paragraph is. I read the review twice - once with it, once without it - and I preferred the latter. I understand what you were trying to do to set up how Undersea sounds like being under the water, but IMO the first two sentences of your second paragraph suffice in accomplishing that. Other than that, the descriptions may be a little over abundant...sometimes it seems like you are just trying to cushion your review: "jubilantly dance around our consciousness, leaving us to lose ourselves in a euphoric daydream" - I'll be fucked if I know what that means. But other than that and maybe a select few other instances, the review is concise and of high quality.

[SowingSeason]

Also, if I might inquire how you heard this EP? I am scheduled to review it and would love to know if it's streaming.

[SgtPepper]

It all happened so quickly. I finished the EP, and then the words just sort of came out and before I knew it the review was done and I had uploaded it to the site. I just went with the sudden flow of inspiration- If that makes any sense.

At first I thought this review was perfect, but the more I read it, the more I see that its missing something or i dont know. You really think I should take the first paragraph out? I kind of like it, or maybe I could fix it? any ideas?

[SgtPepper]

Its streaming via their facebook. But a friend of mine sent me the songs via email.

[taylormemer]

Get rid of the intro. It doesn't go onto compound what you delve into one the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

And yes there are indeed many "what the fuck does that actually mean" moments, but I wouldn't worry about those so much. Do try to move away from the "flowery" writing--it is good that you identified the issue--; it may be a joy to write but it's often not as joyful to read.

[Deviant.]

Originally Posted by SowingSeason

Also, if I might inquire how you heard this EP? I am scheduled to review it and would love to know if it's streaming.

It's called the internet and it gets a little leaky

[SowingSeason]

Oh shucks Dev, really? Well gosh. I wouldn't know about that.

Paperbackwriter: As I said, the writing is good for the most part. The first paragraph just has nothing to do with the album, it's about what it's like to listen to music. If you still want it in there, that's up to you. (note: I did the same thing with about half of a review before, see link http://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/44740/The-Milk-Carton-Kids-Prologue/)

My suggestions, though, are to remove the first paragraph and take out some of the overzealous descriptions that say too little.

[SgtPepper]

I want to thank you Sowing and Taylor, for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it. This is what I have now, if you guys are interested to see that is.

Undersea induces the very kind of sensation that its name implies. It has us floating along in a sea of euphoric ambience, a delicate and alluring atmosphere that easily coaxes us into letting ourselves sink deeper into its musical trance. As the music of "Drift Drive" begins to blossom, it creates this exquisitely sedating environment. The gentle strums of the guitar, the soothing expressions that exude from the saxophone, decorative flourishes that subtly burst out of the synthesizers- all of these components exist around the rhythmic framework of the drums, providing the recipe for a harmonious ecstasy to elate our perception with absolute bliss. And of course, there is the voice of Peter Silberman that serves to guide us through this imaginative descent into psychedelia.

"Endless Ladder" and "Crest" continue to explore a similar theme, but with very different agendas. "Endless Ladder" emphasizes much more on atmospheric textures than the rest of the songs, becoming a medley of ambient sounds that live to merely arouse the senses and distract the mind from its surroundings. "Crest" derives into a very smooth and Jazzy texture that continues on with a similar calming soundscape. Peter Silberman's vocal narratives really stand out in this song, adding a sense of imitate sensuality. Using his words to mystify and allure us into his world. And finally we have "Zelda", which is certainly the highlight of this already joyously opulent journey. The musical structure of "Zelda" is actually quite interesting. As we follow the sounds of a dreary saxophone, we enter into this somber environment. But from there, the music evolves into a more lively display of sounds that leaves us astray in a haze of psychedelic delight.

One aspect that may divert some listeners lies in one of the very qualities that also makes Undersea so enjoyable, and that is The Antlers overly indulging in ambient soundscapes. This can prove to be strenuous to sit through when each song presents itself like a different interpretation of the same exact concept. But then again, that's the idea behind it. Undersea is a musical piece that offers dreamy atmospheres and nothing more. Whether or not you will enjoy this completely depends on your expectations and preferences. To really enjoy this EP, you have to accept it for what it is. Simply give into the spellbinding allure and let it dissociate you entirely from our conscious surroundings as it takes you away into its own realm, where all that exists is you and the music at hand.

[TheNotrap]

Here it is Davey:

Summary:

"Fugazi" is an excellent product of its time and remains one of the top quality progressive rock albums that have ever been created in the '80s.

Formed in Aylesbury, England, in 1979, Marillion is arguably one of the most interesting and successful progressive rock bands of the '80s. Often considered one of the founders of the Neo-Progressive genre, the band released between 1983-1987 four albums that quickly gained a cult status within the demanding prog circuit. Influenced by '70s acts such as Genesis (Gabriel era), Yes or Pink Floyd, Marillion issued in 1983 their critically acclaimed debut "Script for a Jester's Tear", an album that blends Genesis early baroque languages with the rock flavours of the early '80s. Rothery's melodic guitar lines layered by Fish's poetic lyrics and theatrical vocal performance were the key musical elements in shaping Marillion's sound into a distinctive identity, placing the band on pole position within the emerging British Neo-Progressive scene.

One year later the band released their highly anticipated second album titled "Fugazi". With a harder edge than its predecessor the album can be seen as Script's natural evolution. All ingredients are still present, Fish's impressive vocal dynamics and Rothery's very unique guitar signature are still leading the way, supported by Mark Kelly's colorful keyboards and Peter's always solid bass lines. But it's the new recruitment Ian Mosley that delivers the most significant improvement to the band's sound. The refined technique of the former Steve Hackett's drummer provides the perfect background for Marillion's progressive melodic songwriting, allowing the rhythm section to move more freely.
The album opener "Assassing" is the perfect introduction to what the listener should expect from Marillion's sophomore release. A combination of straightforward rock with progressive and climatic textures. This more hard rock approach is present in almost all of the songs in this album, however this new reinvigorated energy is smartly balanced by smoother ambiences, creating a strong sense of direction throughout this recording.
Fish's provocative and enigmatic lyrics remain Marillion's most distinctive trademark. From religious cults and First World War references such as "Who decorates the scarf with the fugi knot, who camouflaged emotion in a thousand yard stare" to Irish folklore metaphors "World war three, suburbanshee, just slip her these pills and I'll be free", every word and sentence is manipulated to shape some cryptic meaning that leads to multiple interpretations. But Marillion's greatest achievement on "Fugazi" is the ability to place these complex lyrics on a song-based musical structure, avoiding the long compositions of their progressive counterparts. Swinging between layers delivered by Kelly's chromatic keyboards and Rothery's beautiful guitar lines, the songwriting is well structured and meticulously balanced, with everything in its right place. From stylish rock moments such as "Assassing", "Punch and Judy" or "Jigsaw", to more delicate and crescendo compositions like "Emerald Lies", "She Chameleon", "Incubus" or "Fugazi", this album is full of life and offers the listener an extremely diverse listening experience.

The following year saw the release of their magnum opus "Misplaced Childhood", nevertheless "Fugazi" is by no means a transitional work. It's an excellent product of its time and remains one of the top quality progressive rock albums that have ever been created in the '80s.

Please don't waste much time here. Just check please if there's grammar mistakes or bad text structures.

Thank you so much for the help.

[DaveyBoy]

No probs man. Hopefully, what is below is clear.

1st PARAGRAPH
- Get rid of "that have ever been" from the Summary, or change to "...albums to be created in the '80s"..
- Switch "four albums" in front of "between 1983-1987".
- Ditto with "in 1983" after the album name.
- Put an apostrophe after Genesis (' early baroque...)
- Put Christian name in front of Rothery & Fish

2nd PARAGRAPH
- "Script's natural eveolution" I don't understand what you mean by Script in this sentence.
- "But it's the new recruitment..." Change to "But it's new recruit..."
- I'd clear the mention of Hackett & turn that into 1 sentence, maybe adjoining them with "band's sound, with his refined technique providing the perfect..."

3rd PARAGRAPH
- Do you mean "climactic" instead of "climatic"?
- Change "in this album" to "on this album".

4th PARAGRAPH
Looks perfect.

5th PARAGRAPH
- Either get rid of "that have ever been" or change it to "albums to be created in the '80s".

[TheNotrap]

Thanks a lot Davey.
"I don't understand what you mean by Script in this sentence".
Script for a Jester's Tear", their debut. I'll put Script under ""

"Do you mean "climactic" instead of "climatic"?"
Will change to passionate ;-)

Thanks again for all your help.

[DaveyBoy]

You're very welcome. A great read eaither way.

[club]

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[club]

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[club]

hi....
i m club from india. welcome to forum sites nice to meet u.
Thanks

[club]

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[menawati]

is it worth posting possible reviews here any more or is this dead now ?

[AtomicWaste]

Post away and I'll try to take a look at it. If I forget, send me a shoutbox message.