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11-05-2009, 07:51 PM
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#1 |
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I've Got A Bike
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 66
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A Spot In The Universe
A building so high
Where everyone goes And disbands all of their woes Wouldn't you like to know Where everyone goes It's a beautiful place Behind my face In an endless field Unconcealed Joyful Fortunate and glad A spot on the universe A hole in my mind Where no one can go But me ----------------------- |
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Digging: Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way 
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11-07-2009, 11:18 AM
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#2 |
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I've Got A Bike
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 66
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come on, no one? D:
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Digging: Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way
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11-07-2009, 03:10 PM
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#3 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: everywhere
Posts: 17
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I like this... I like the spot in the universe is just in your mind not an actual place
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Digging: Matt Nathanson - Some Mad Hope
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11-08-2009, 01:11 AM
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#4 |
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cash money
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Avon, IN
Posts: 990
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Ehh, the rhyming kinda sucks. It's really basic and predictable. The middle stanza has a horribly jumbled flow. You have a rhyming couplet, then a phrase, then four random adjectives. Try making those ideas connect better. Not a bad attempt, but it needs work.
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