The Acronical Plague

[Orchid_74]

Wow, I can't remember the last time I posted not to mention logged on here. I think my cousin used this account for a while. Anyways, I've always liked what the regulars post here so I'm going to start putting up some of my own stuff if I like it enough.


Sin, it becomes me It pours out
and my eyes become the vessels
of a never ending contempt

The land beneath me rotting and
corrupt as the sky splits into a
red-hued tomb for the wicked

I can't be cast down, my soul
a bargaining chip for the
right hand seat of the light-bearer

Eternal disease I spread, no remorse
for the lepers Crawl to my feet and beg
for a life you have not paid for

[gabrielstigmatic]

Are these lyrics or a poem? If it's a poem it seems like the flow it kind of convoluted. Meaning that you split one idea into two lines and also put lines together which would flow better if split. Which is all good if the lyrics flow that way but if it's a poem I'd consolidate some of the lines.

Other than that, the content itself is good and the imagery is intense. Keep it up, you've definitely got talent.

Here's an example of what I mean by consolidating and splitting lines to make it flow better. There is no right or wrong way to write, but there are ways to make things seem less choppy. Again, this is just an example. There are many ways you could arrange the words.


"Sin, it becomes me
It pours out and my eyes become the vessels of a never-ending contempt

The land beneath me, rotting and corrupt
As the sky splits into a red-hued tomb for the wicked

I can't be cast down
My soul, a bargaining chip for the right hand seat of the light-bearer

Eternal disease I spread, no remorse
For the lepers crawl to my feet and beg for a life that you have not paid for"

[Orchid_74]

Thank you for the compliments and the feedback. To be honest I'm not really sure if I want this to just be a poem or use it for lyrics in one of my projects. I see what you mean about how I have it laid out.

I only typed it as is for aesthetic purposes, but after reading through it a few times this is how I had it in my head.



Sin, it becomes me
It pours out and my eyes become the vessels of a never ending contempt

The land beneath me rotting and corrupt
As the sky splits into a red-hued tomb for the wicked

I can't be cast down
My soul a bargaining chip for the right hand seat of the light-bearer

Eternal disease I spread, no remorse for the lepers
Crawl to my feet and beg for a life you have not paid for

[gabrielstigmatic]

Sweet, I'd love to hear IT. Btw, is your name referring to the band Orchid? Also I have written some lyrics and posted them and songs that they go to. My bad for the self promotion on your thread. I wasn't sure how to pm. Feel free to delete this if you feel it's bogging it down.

[witchxrapist]

live love burn die imo