|07-30-2008, 03:12 PM||#2|
Join Date: Jun 2006
Dancin' Man - 2 - This piece started out a bit weak (I don't really like the first two lines - the questions don't do anything for me) but got stronger and stronger from then on. The last verse is great, really dug the imagery there. The first two lines and a couple of other sticking points (mostly vocabulary - I don't like 'guts') keep this from the top spot, but was pretty close.
RunAmokRampant - 1 - Thematically this is the strongest, and stayed the most consistent throughout. The imagery is great (Shimmering lake in eyes stitched up) and it flows really well.
Surtr - 3 - Joined with jurial because I couldn't split them. The images you use are great, and the its all good, but the let down was the last line. Its a very philosophical piece, but seems to just trail away. the last line has no real impact and it means nothing sticks with the reader as well when he's finished. Which is a shame because there's alot of excellent build up work.
Outlet - 6 - I felt it relied too much on use of rhyming and abstract nouns to carry the piece along, but saying that, the flow seemed rather good and the chorus was alot better than the verses. You've chosen a strict structure but it hasn't hindered you that much, which is good, but don't feel obliged to stick to it.
jurialmunkey - 3 - Joined with Surtr. Was good, but I felt that the flow was very sharp and staccato, which wasn't helped by the large amount of caesuras used. But admidst all that, the last two lines seemed the opposite and slightly against the style of the rest of the piece - the simple half rhyme just snuck up on me. Good work.
Charizard - 5 - Not sure about this one. Holistically, it makes sense, and it seems pretty cool. But it didn't stand up to repeat readings as well as the others. The punch line/reveal worked well the first time, but wasn't as interesting the times after. Imagery was good though, but overshadowed by the final line.
Last edited by Surf; 08-01-2008 at 09:48 AM.
|07-30-2008, 08:30 PM||#4|
∞ days deleted
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ithaca is Gorges. So are vags
1 Surf I don’t think anything in this is as strong as the opening stanza, yet as the lyric progresses, those strongest opening lines lend themselves more and more to what is being said.
4 RunAmokRampant Does your use of ground count? At this point, no one is keeping that score in these parts. This managed to lose me, find me, lose me, repeatedly. No matter how well I did or didn’t understand, it was a pleasant read and tastes good to say.
2 Surtr This reminds me of the last and final time I did salvia. Seriously, this is pretty close to what happens when you die. Nice images, nice lines.
6 Outlet Aside from using the wrong form of their in the last line, good effort. Stick around and learn a few things about breaking up your rhyme schemes and imagery.
3 Jurialmunkey Pretty words. The use of rhyme here is really enjoyable. It helps hold this all together as far as I’m concerned.
5 Charizard Is this about zombies? Seriously if it is (and I honestly can’t decide) the imagery is gnarly. If not, an explanation is in order.
Last edited by Dancin' Man; 08-01-2008 at 08:49 AM.
|07-31-2008, 01:26 AM||#5|
Planeteer 4 life
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Dancin' Man 4
Starts off weak but progressively gets better with each stanza. Endingis fantastic
Lots of images. Flows splendidly.
Well conceived but flow jars with some of the line breaks but otherwise pleasant read
Strict but overly simple rhyme and structure. Good with music but as it stands on it's own feels a bit strerile to look at
Haven't seen you around in ages. Good to see you still have your lyrical touch and unique style. Refreshing
First two lines are odd in context of the rest of the piece. Reminds me of old b-grade horror movies which is a good and a bad thing I guess depending on how you look at it.
Crits up soon.
Last edited by RunAmokRampant; 08-04-2008 at 04:26 AM.
|08-03-2008, 08:07 AM||#6|
You Need Sunshine, Vitamin... S&amp;L Mx Sarcasm Princess. Look-out, I bite... Or does that turn you on?
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Inside a Bi-Polar Bear
Vote's iz go here!!11!!1111!. The comments are coming / will be expanded.
Dancin' Man - 2
In agreement with Surf's comments, I feel you would have had a much stronger vie for 1st place if only it wasn't for those horribly hideous rhetorical questions opening the piece. Personally, and in contrast to Surf, I really like the "guts" line. That last stanza is simply brilliant; I especially enjoyed 'Feathers lacking capillaries'.
Surf - 1
Ah.. I'm a sucker for these excursions into sensory exploration. I found particular delight in the simple descriptive language.
RunAmokRampant - 3
Surtr - 4
Outlet - 6
jurialmunkey - Um...
Charizard - 5
Last edited by jurialmunkey; 08-03-2008 at 08:54 AM.
|08-07-2008, 03:08 PM||#7|
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: allen's town, penn
Dancin' Man - 5
Surf - 2
RunAmokRampant - 4
Surtr - 1
Outlet - 6
jurialmunkey - 3
Charizard - er
ill get actual crits in, when i have time
|Thread Tools||Search this Thread|
|Rate This Thread|