[Revolt!]

I feel like shit right now.

I wrote this earlier in my LJ, just for reference.

Sometimes you feel so dangerous, when you're standing on that pencil thin line between rupture and rapture. The air is like a hurricane, tearing you in one direction and then another - lights bouncing off the corners of your eyes just outside of your realm of perception.

There is life where hope is lost, but it's faint and fleeting because it's afraid - afraid of the consequences for being happy. Taking a chance is nothing more than signing away your resignations and letting yourself fly. I don't know how many times I've woken up with my eyes tightly shut and wondered - if I open my eyes, will the dream still hover; stagnant and pale like a ghost of memories I wish I really had? If I open my eyes, will this nostalgia of times I've never had kill me the way it's killed so many already?

I sit here throughout the day and watch the hours tick away, one after another, and I realize I'm getting older. The older I get, the wiser I should become; but I'm still infantile. I'm so scared of my perfectly round peg falling into a square hole, and seeing my life bounce off the unwelcoming boundaries into total oblivion.

My heart, soul and eternal faith lies in the hands of just one person, but at times I feel as though she's merely grasping at the knots in my strings and helping me dance for the audience to this sadistic puppet show. I don't want to be led, I want to be supported. I don't know what support is though. I could say that I've put everyone through hell, but that would be a lie. No, I haven't put anyone through hell. I've drug them through the purgatory that I'm floating in - waiting for that one chance to make everything come around. That one chance to make everything ok.

But everything isn't ok.

The burden of knowing one's life before they've ever lived it is near unbearable. I see myself growing and aging. I see myself reaching the best years of my life - and then I see myself coming to an end. Life at the age of thirty is a shallow reflection of the grandeur we all experience at the age of ten. By this time next year, my life will be 3/4 of the way finished, and I know that's ok. I know it's ok because I'll have had a chance to do everything I knew I should do, and though I've thrown so many of those chances away, I still had my opportunities. That's more than some people can say for themselves.

Tonight Lela and I had the biggest fight I've probably ever had with a girlfriend. Right now her grandpa is dying and it's putting her under a lot of stress. However, instead of opening up and letting me in, she's shutting me out completely. She's become frustratingly cynical and domineering and she's started throwing everything I try to do for her right back in my face.

Tonight I told her I don't think we're spending enough time together. She told me, "Well I'm trying to finish my last year of high school and you know what's going on with my grandpa. You should be happy we're spending any time together right now."

I told her that I'm sympathetic of her problems right now and I'm doing my best to be supportive, but she's not reciprocating it. She then proceeded to tell me how ungrateful I am for all the money she's spent on me since I've lost my job and how I need to stop whining about the amount of time we spend together and so on and so on.

I told her that I'm tired of her treating me like a bad person because I want to see my girlfriend for more than ten minutes every other day and that if I knew she was going to throw money back in my face, I never would have let her spend a dime on me because I don't put monetary value on a relationship like that.

Then she proceeds to tell me that I'm not appreciative of her job at the store. That I think she's a bum for working at Dollar Tree when, as she puts it, "a job is a job and money is money".

I told her that it has nothing to do with the amount of appreciation I have for her job. It has to do with the fact that I see her achieving so much more than working as a cashier in a strip mall. I said, "Why am I the bad guy for seeing potential in you? How does it make me wrong to think that you could do so much better than what you're doing now?"

It grew from there and finally she hung up on me and turned off her phone.

EDIT: And now I'm talking to my ex for advice and she says I should dump Lela. Oh man I'm so stressed out right now.