[Volumnius Flush]

I don't even remember the last time I got my mom a card for mother's day.

"You're the best Mom ever!"

"Anyone would be lucky to have you as a mother!"

All this trite Hallmark bullshit. I'm a very quantitative person. I'm empirical, I like to look at the data. I don't run with the crowd but instead go where facts lead me. And let me observe here that these comments, which can be found in a number of greeting cards along with similar bullshit, have both an objective and a subjective element.

The objective element is this: Propositions can be disproven easily by counterexample. It's the easiest and most straightforward way of disproving an argument. In this case, if I can find even one mother on earth who is better at being a mother than my mother, then the entire proposition is disproven.

The subjective element is this: Even if my mom is such a great mother that you could write books or make movies about her, it's still a subjective experience that has no empirical weight to it whatsoever. It's not like every woman has had a chance to be my mother and I can carefully distinguish between them. But even that is a bad example because it would still rely on a subjective experience.

To me, one of the highest things that I value in a person and for myself is honesty. To give my mother a card at mother's day saying she is the greatest mother ever is a complete lie, and would make me a liar to send it. What would I do if she says, "Oh, Flushy, do you really mean that?" "Nope, ma. Don't be an idiot. All the greeting cards say the same crap and it's all bullshit!" Do you know how awkward that would be? Almost as much as losing the one thing I'll always have: The reputation of an honest man.