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Corupt2057 · 07-07-2005, 02:14 AM

DFelon204409

honestly this gave me one of those feelings I only get from watching one of those roman movies like the gladiator or something.. it just took me back and above all it was your language cause basically you weren't really done setting the scene and mood til about the end.. anyways it's good and I like the way it took me back the 2nd line was the best

bowl of oranges

the way your phrasing keeps switching from what seems like plain language to poetry is annoying and the way the lines feel so awkward when your trying to give it that shakespeare feel, honestly this style isn't working for you either use one extreme or the other.. as for the context and idea of the song/poem/whatever I think you just need to work with it and smooth out everything that is holding it back..

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE
critiqued this in S&L awhile back

Disco Dragon

where's the title you crackhead
ok I'm stopping to comment on the opener that was pimp, I know that would sound really good with a 3 doors down tone to it anyways I'll read the rest ;-) 2nd stanza 3rd line I really don't feel you need the 'hypnotized' rhyme in there because first it's lame and the stanza before didn't really have that strong of an inner rhyme for you to need to stick to that scheme or structure.. ok now going to read the rest.. man this is getting worse to honest.. I mean.. sickly kind, Beezlebub, evil touch.. umm all that just really sounds gay and forced your rhyme scheme is killing this it sounds bad.. ok your second chorus is nice I really liked it but it isn't making up for the other crapola ;-) the last verse was good I thought.. over-all this didn't sound like something you produce so it's either really old or you got some writer's block crap goin on

Necroses-bass

a narrative poem hmm.. this sucks I could go read Cat in the Hat and write a narrative poem about the imagery I saw in the pictures and the style probably wouldn't be to far from this if I was going for a metal sound.. honestly just think about what I said I'm not bashing you and I don't know you so I have no means to be bais towards you.. so thats just my opinion..

RunAmokRampant

are you black? I mean cause you wrote that other song called Hated Helen and now this and it's has the KKK in it to.. anyways whatever you are doesn't matter I thought this was good you sure do like your ballad songs but this one was kind of like uhh not really a ballas but a narrative somethin or the other "with beautiful communities that hold luxuries only nibbled" I liked that how you said only nibbled I thought that was very good and "One feral look and a violent reaction,
and then they begin to fall in line,
white picket fences surrounding beautiful communities" and that was just sharp

bisnotch

dude some stanzas would actually make me want to read this.. I hate you cause I have to read this like it is.. just want you to know it. "Cause survival has become so scene." didya mean obscene?
ok I don't hate you anymore that was d@mn good.. every thought and arguement was dynamite in the way you delivered it (except the wormhole but you delivered it well none the less) man I liked this alot this was really good you need to to break it up somehow but I thought it was awesome the way you expressed your meaning in an explanation of plain imagery but pushing the reader into the mood your giving it, that's some true writer skill you lil bitch ;-)

Corupt2057 - lol that song was cheesy (ATC I just wanted 'The Man' to take motto's from it ;-) )

JaveryAM

"labyrinthian maze" are you stupid? hmm this is uhh.. I'm having a hard time tieing your imagery to whatever this has to do with th govt.. anyways the last verse before the last two lines was decent..

addicted_tochaos

hell yeah this was some good stuff man, the deal about the mail not being read I love it when a writer does that they state something that everyone does but doesn't realize it until someone says something about it anyways the song was tight and I really liked the ending and the cellophane and silver screen kind of had a consonant rhyme going on, kind of gave the song a rocking beat there for a sec

puredemocracy

I feel ya man but you delivered this in a juvenile rhyme forcing way and it's sucks because of that but it has potential if you can get past that, you just need to revise

machinegunfunk

lines 3thru5 of first verse were good, yeah you mispelt hypocracy(nit picking, I know) the ending was thought provoking but as a whole this lacked just because of the language in some parts made it feel like a mouthful

Dancin' Man
you jew lol.. I don't like the belief that God is only going to take 144,000 anyways as for the song it was decent but nothing really grabbed me..

zer0gauge
this had a rocking tone all through it and the chesire grine line was catchy and the second stanza 'keys and rings' that whole little paragraph was very catchy too and the last line of your chorus ending perfectly and smoothly.. this is a good song man, good work

Crimsonpunk
where's the title you crackhead
'every' 'moonlit' use spellcheck cracker, anyways I didn't like this but I don't tend to like the dark therianthropy stuff

SubtleDagger

man like always your a good writer but I think you just hender your work with your vocabulary in some parts
"Our blood types aren't a match
So if your head cracks open,
Don't get leeches attached"
sounds forced and it made me laugh because it was lame..
the picture stanza was good

DFelon204409 4
bowl of oranges 10
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE 6
Disco Dragon 8
Necroses-bass 11
RunAmokRampant 5
bisnotch 1
JaveryAM 14
addicted_tochaos 3
puredemocracy 15
machinegunfunk 12
Dancin' Man 9
zer0gauge 2
Crimsonpunk 13
SubtleDagger 7

07-07-2005, 02:14 AM	#8
Corupt2057 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 926	DFelon204409 honestly this gave me one of those feelings I only get from watching one of those roman movies like the gladiator or something.. it just took me back and above all it was your language cause basically you weren't really done setting the scene and mood til about the end.. anyways it's good and I like the way it took me back the 2nd line was the best bowl of oranges the way your phrasing keeps switching from what seems like plain language to poetry is annoying and the way the lines feel so awkward when your trying to give it that shakespeare feel, honestly this style isn't working for you either use one extreme or the other.. as for the context and idea of the song/poem/whatever I think you just need to work with it and smooth out everything that is holding it back.. ITRIEDVOODOOONCE critiqued this in S&L awhile back Disco Dragon where's the title you crackhead ok I'm stopping to comment on the opener that was pimp, I know that would sound really good with a 3 doors down tone to it anyways I'll read the rest ;-) 2nd stanza 3rd line I really don't feel you need the 'hypnotized' rhyme in there because first it's lame and the stanza before didn't really have that strong of an inner rhyme for you to need to stick to that scheme or structure.. ok now going to read the rest.. man this is getting worse to honest.. I mean.. sickly kind, Beezlebub, evil touch.. umm all that just really sounds gay and forced your rhyme scheme is killing this it sounds bad.. ok your second chorus is nice I really liked it but it isn't making up for the other crapola ;-) the last verse was good I thought.. over-all this didn't sound like something you produce so it's either really old or you got some writer's block crap goin on Necroses-bass a narrative poem hmm.. this sucks I could go read Cat in the Hat and write a narrative poem about the imagery I saw in the pictures and the style probably wouldn't be to far from this if I was going for a metal sound.. honestly just think about what I said I'm not bashing you and I don't know you so I have no means to be bais towards you.. so thats just my opinion.. RunAmokRampant are you black? I mean cause you wrote that other song called Hated Helen and now this and it's has the KKK in it to.. anyways whatever you are doesn't matter I thought this was good you sure do like your ballad songs but this one was kind of like uhh not really a ballas but a narrative somethin or the other "with beautiful communities that hold luxuries only nibbled" I liked that how you said only nibbled I thought that was very good and "One feral look and a violent reaction, and then they begin to fall in line, white picket fences surrounding beautiful communities" and that was just sharp bisnotch dude some stanzas would actually make me want to read this.. I hate you cause I have to read this like it is.. just want you to know it. "Cause survival has become so scene." didya mean obscene? ok I don't hate you anymore that was d@mn good.. every thought and arguement was dynamite in the way you delivered it (except the wormhole but you delivered it well none the less) man I liked this alot this was really good you need to to break it up somehow but I thought it was awesome the way you expressed your meaning in an explanation of plain imagery but pushing the reader into the mood your giving it, that's some true writer skill you lil bitch ;-) Corupt2057 - lol that song was cheesy (ATC I just wanted 'The Man' to take motto's from it ;-) ) JaveryAM "labyrinthian maze" are you stupid? hmm this is uhh.. I'm having a hard time tieing your imagery to whatever this has to do with th govt.. anyways the last verse before the last two lines was decent.. addicted_tochaos hell yeah this was some good stuff man, the deal about the mail not being read I love it when a writer does that they state something that everyone does but doesn't realize it until someone says something about it anyways the song was tight and I really liked the ending and the cellophane and silver screen kind of had a consonant rhyme going on, kind of gave the song a rocking beat there for a sec puredemocracy I feel ya man but you delivered this in a juvenile rhyme forcing way and it's sucks because of that but it has potential if you can get past that, you just need to revise machinegunfunk lines 3thru5 of first verse were good, yeah you mispelt hypocracy(nit picking, I know) the ending was thought provoking but as a whole this lacked just because of the language in some parts made it feel like a mouthful Dancin' Man you jew lol.. I don't like the belief that God is only going to take 144,000 anyways as for the song it was decent but nothing really grabbed me.. zer0gauge this had a rocking tone all through it and the chesire grine line was catchy and the second stanza 'keys and rings' that whole little paragraph was very catchy too and the last line of your chorus ending perfectly and smoothly.. this is a good song man, good work Crimsonpunk where's the title you crackhead 'every' 'moonlit' use spellcheck cracker, anyways I didn't like this but I don't tend to like the dark therianthropy stuff SubtleDagger man like always your a good writer but I think you just hender your work with your vocabulary in some parts "Our blood types aren't a match So if your head cracks open, Don't get leeches attached" sounds forced and it made me laugh because it was lame.. the picture stanza was good DFelon204409 4 bowl of oranges 10 ITRIEDVOODOOONCE 6 Disco Dragon 8 Necroses-bass 11 RunAmokRampant 5 bisnotch 1 JaveryAM 14 addicted_tochaos 3 puredemocracy 15 machinegunfunk 12 Dancin' Man 9 zer0gauge 2 Crimsonpunk 13 SubtleDagger 7 Last edited by Corupt2057; 07-07-2005 at 02:17 AM.