Sputnik Music Forums - View Single Post - Challenge 90

Dancin' Man · 07-02-2005, 03:55 PM

Why did I choose such a packed competition to enter?

DFelon204409 6
bowl of oranges 9
ITRIEDVOODOOONCE 2
Disco Dragon 3
Necroses-bass 7
RunAmokRampant 1
bisnotch 12
Corupt2057 10
JaveryAM 8
addicted_tochaos 5
puredemocracy 15
machinegunfunk 14
Dancin' Man x
zer0gauge 13
Crimsonpunk 11
SubtleDagger 4

DFelon204409 I liked the idea and the approach and envy your ability to write but it feels unfinished. It's like reading a book, getting to the just before the climax only to find that some asshole has taken it upon themself to tear out the rest of the pages. I don't necessarily want a resolution, but I want to feel like I can come out of this thinking and there just isn't enough there for me. Rest assured though, if this had felt finished to me, I would give you the first place ahnds down. Your writing is well above the other entries this time around. 7/10

bowl of oranges I am not a fan of your language. It seems like you waver between livejournal poetry and something even less refined. The word thug is annoying. A somewhat cool idea but it feels like you made a really direct (overly so) poem and then to make it more subtle just chopped pieces out. 4/10

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE I hate your username. I do however, like your piece. It wasn't a very original idea but the way you said it was good. I liked your imagery for the most part. The ending was a highlight. 7.9/10

Disco Donkey Hmmmm... this is about as uncheesy as you one can make this topic. It was well delivered for the most part and the progression of thoughts was excellent. Overall well done. I felt like thename Beezlebub was way out of context. It just didn't seem to fit with everything else. 7.8/10

Necroses-bass Religious imagery from Revelations! You da man! I might note that God marked the followers of the Beast so that he would know who to punish, as far as I can understand. Now, I really dislike what you wrote because it is bland and doesn't exciteme. It feels like standard death and blood metal lyrics fare. Your flow in the last real stanza is weak although it is the strongest stanza. You get many extra points for doing your homework (although I haven't yet gotten that far in Revelation, I'llassume you did some at least) 5.4/10

RunAmokRampant I liked this. It was original and all fit with itself. Your word choice is strong and the ending was perfect. I'm not sure if this was meant to be an assault on current affairs but if it were, it didn't annoy me which those normally do. nicely written 8.1/10

bisnotch Splititintostanzas.It'shardtowanttoreadthewayitis, doyouunderstand? Ew. I hated it. Well, no. I hated most of it. It seemed like a jumble of mildly releated ideas poorly stitched together. I hated how common most of the language was. I dislike that. I want poetry and lyrics to sound intelligent. You had some good imagery but it often felt unconnected. Learn to organize your thoughts into a logical progression with transitions and mature your language while attempting to avoid cliches. Also, if you don't vote (I doubt you will, you seem like you only put this here to get a few ritiques you can't get in the S&L forum) I will beg the mods to ban you. 2.5/10

Corupt2057 This was corny but decent until I hit the bit about Baskin Robbins which was trumped in retardation by the crayon bit. Context. Learn how to fit things together. This reminded me of eating fruit salad with tabsco sauce and turpentine dipping sauce. 3.1/10 P.S. Though you are decent with rhyme, don't over do it.

JaveryAM No. I do not care about your social or political views no matter how well written they are unless there is an interesting metaphor or story over top. The ideas were delivered well although many of the lines are quite weak and your word choice is bad in spots (words to kill - Endorsements & Government). Keep up the good work, which is code for use better ideas, running metaphors or simply better stories. 5/10

addicted_tochaos Why does the second stanza start with the word "cos"? Cos what? I like this, It is well written for the most part and has some cool imagery. I like the word choice usually. I wish it were more clear why. Why did things turn out the way they did? I want an event. Maybe there isn't one and maybe that's not the point but I want it, even if it's vague. 7.5/10

puredemocracy
Oh shit
It's time
you quit
the rhyme

But seriously, stop. It isn't helping. Well, I kind of doubt anything could help this song. I say scrap it and start over with a better idea, less direct approach, more mature language and better use of words. 2/10

machinegunfunk What an original title. No. I do not care about your social or political views no matter how well written they are unless there is an interesting metaphor or story over top. I hate this. I cannot stand preaching and I cannot stand political writing or poetry. I cannot stand political music. I cannot stand this. I do not like the repetition of the phrase "Worth ___ing for". Good game. Play again. "OBJECTIVITY" EDIT: And it sucked. 2.1/10

Dancin' Man Do you want to get dinner with me, maybe?

zer0gauge When you rhyme/It is a crime. I bet this would do your mother proud. It does not help so stop. Anyway, I didn't like it. It was basic and under-developed and showed a low level of maturity in your writing. Do you listen to nu-metal by chance? My advice is to read a lot of lyrics by respeted lyricists and poets then try again. 2.3/10

Crimsonpunk Christ. I hate these kinds of lyrics. If you are going to write about gore, go play in a grind band or make it more subtle and artistic. Do not however pull this "I'm angry to I kill stuff and it is beautiful" crap. The theme sucks. The rhymes you use suck. The delivery is fine and you use good words. 3/10

SubtleDagger Hmmm... very up and down. The way you arranged it all I like a lot but the last lines of stanzas (i'm counting every block of line(s) as a stanza) 2 and 3 seemed weak and out of place. The whole theme seemed not so strong and not very original although you did a decent job with it. The second to last stanza I really disliked. It didn't seem to reflect what you are capable of. You have good ideas throghout but sometimes the delivery is flawed. 7.6/10

07-02-2005, 03:55 PM	#3
Dancin' Man ∞ days deleted Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ithaca is Gorges. So are vags Posts: 10,218	Why did I choose such a packed competition to enter? DFelon204409 6 bowl of oranges 9 ITRIEDVOODOOONCE 2 Disco Dragon 3 Necroses-bass 7 RunAmokRampant 1 bisnotch 12 Corupt2057 10 JaveryAM 8 addicted_tochaos 5 puredemocracy 15 machinegunfunk 14 Dancin' Man x zer0gauge 13 Crimsonpunk 11 SubtleDagger 4 DFelon204409 I liked the idea and the approach and envy your ability to write but it feels unfinished. It's like reading a book, getting to the just before the climax only to find that some asshole has taken it upon themself to tear out the rest of the pages. I don't necessarily want a resolution, but I want to feel like I can come out of this thinking and there just isn't enough there for me. Rest assured though, if this had felt finished to me, I would give you the first place ahnds down. Your writing is well above the other entries this time around. 7/10 bowl of oranges I am not a fan of your language. It seems like you waver between livejournal poetry and something even less refined. The word thug is annoying. A somewhat cool idea but it feels like you made a really direct (overly so) poem and then to make it more subtle just chopped pieces out. 4/10 ITRIEDVOODOOONCE I hate your username. I do however, like your piece. It wasn't a very original idea but the way you said it was good. I liked your imagery for the most part. The ending was a highlight. 7.9/10 Disco Donkey Hmmmm... this is about as uncheesy as you one can make this topic. It was well delivered for the most part and the progression of thoughts was excellent. Overall well done. I felt like thename Beezlebub was way out of context. It just didn't seem to fit with everything else. 7.8/10 Necroses-bass Religious imagery from Revelations! You da man! I might note that God marked the followers of the Beast so that he would know who to punish, as far as I can understand. Now, I really dislike what you wrote because it is bland and doesn't exciteme. It feels like standard death and blood metal lyrics fare. Your flow in the last real stanza is weak although it is the strongest stanza. You get many extra points for doing your homework (although I haven't yet gotten that far in Revelation, I'llassume you did some at least) 5.4/10 RunAmokRampant I liked this. It was original and all fit with itself. Your word choice is strong and the ending was perfect. I'm not sure if this was meant to be an assault on current affairs but if it were, it didn't annoy me which those normally do. nicely written 8.1/10 bisnotch Splititintostanzas.It'shardtowanttoreadthewayitis, doyouunderstand? Ew. I hated it. Well, no. I hated most of it. It seemed like a jumble of mildly releated ideas poorly stitched together. I hated how common most of the language was. I dislike that. I want poetry and lyrics to sound intelligent. You had some good imagery but it often felt unconnected. Learn to organize your thoughts into a logical progression with transitions and mature your language while attempting to avoid cliches. Also, if you don't vote (I doubt you will, you seem like you only put this here to get a few ritiques you can't get in the S&L forum) I will beg the mods to ban you. 2.5/10 Corupt2057 This was corny but decent until I hit the bit about Baskin Robbins which was trumped in retardation by the crayon bit. Context. Learn how to fit things together. This reminded me of eating fruit salad with tabsco sauce and turpentine dipping sauce. 3.1/10 P.S. Though you are decent with rhyme, don't over do it. JaveryAM No. I do not care about your social or political views no matter how well written they are unless there is an interesting metaphor or story over top. The ideas were delivered well although many of the lines are quite weak and your word choice is bad in spots (words to kill - Endorsements & Government). Keep up the good work, which is code for use better ideas, running metaphors or simply better stories. 5/10 addicted_tochaos Why does the second stanza start with the word "cos"? Cos what? I like this, It is well written for the most part and has some cool imagery. I like the word choice usually. I wish it were more clear why. Why did things turn out the way they did? I want an event. Maybe there isn't one and maybe that's not the point but I want it, even if it's vague. 7.5/10 puredemocracy Oh shit It's time you quit the rhyme But seriously, stop. It isn't helping. Well, I kind of doubt anything could help this song. I say scrap it and start over with a better idea, less direct approach, more mature language and better use of words. 2/10 machinegunfunk What an original title. No. I do not care about your social or political views no matter how well written they are unless there is an interesting metaphor or story over top. I hate this. I cannot stand preaching and I cannot stand political writing or poetry. I cannot stand political music. I cannot stand this. I do not like the repetition of the phrase "Worth ___ing for". Good game. Play again. "OBJECTIVITY" EDIT: And it sucked. 2.1/10 Dancin' Man Do you want to get dinner with me, maybe? zer0gauge When you rhyme/It is a crime. I bet this would do your mother proud. It does not help so stop. Anyway, I didn't like it. It was basic and under-developed and showed a low level of maturity in your writing. Do you listen to nu-metal by chance? My advice is to read a lot of lyrics by respeted lyricists and poets then try again. 2.3/10 Crimsonpunk Christ. I hate these kinds of lyrics. If you are going to write about gore, go play in a grind band or make it more subtle and artistic. Do not however pull this "I'm angry to I kill stuff and it is beautiful" crap. The theme sucks. The rhymes you use suck. The delivery is fine and you use good words. 3/10 SubtleDagger Hmmm... very up and down. The way you arranged it all I like a lot but the last lines of stanzas (i'm counting every block of line(s) as a stanza) 2 and 3 seemed weak and out of place. The whole theme seemed not so strong and not very original although you did a decent job with it. The second to last stanza I really disliked. It didn't seem to reflect what you are capable of. You have good ideas throghout but sometimes the delivery is flawed. 7.6/10 Last edited by Dancin' Man; 07-03-2005 at 09:06 AM.