[WhatILivefoR]

kevbud187- First off, I wouldn’t start the post with: “I still suck” because it makes people less inclined to read through the entire thing. For the critique: weird beginning, but I suppose it evened out by the end of the stanza. In the second stanza, you switch the subject person from “her” to “you”. I don’t mind it too much, but you may want to look into that. The rhyming is a little predictable, but it usually flows alright. In the last stanza, I don’t particularly like the line “everything to gain everything to lose”; it’s pretty tasteless and boring. That last line is good though.

dfelon204409- Before I say anything, when I quickly read through this the first time, I felt that it would be hard to critique. Not because it "won't fit to music" because anything can fit to music; but because it is so complete and well thought out, and it has a very strong 'history' aspect to it, which links you directly to it (seemingly emotionally and historically). I don't know if that makes any sense... But that's my attempt to explain it.
The first two lines are very interesting; and from them I understand a couple of things: This grandfather has passed away, and also what the setting looks like. Very ingenious. I like that. The rest of the stanza follows suit. It sets up the entire song to be of stories of this grandfather's past (as I understand- but I could be missing it...). Part i ("The Visage of the Shaka Honta") is great. I get a real sense of this tribal place, and this fight between the Shaka Honta and the traveler. Again, I love the story-telling stance. Part ii: Solid imagery. I love the huge difference of setting between the first and second parts. Nothing to say except, very intriguing. Part iii: This relic is a sword (I get from the mentioning of Samurai). The ending lines are... (sappy, I know) adorable. So far I see it as this: The grandfather is the travelor in the first part (obtaining the mask); the collector in the second part (obtaining the banjo) and the aging white man in the third part (obtaining the samurai dagger). So far, very interestingly good in my book.
Well, Grandpa is still alive according to the last part... But it ends excellently. I seriously have nothing left to say other than- it's good. And I can't seem to change anything, it's full and finished. I have a feeling that you wouldn't change anything even if anyone said as much. Which is perfectly fine. I'm sorry if this critique goes on and on... but I am proud that I actually understood (I think) the meaning of the song- sometimes I'm really slow. Really nice work. It will be hard to judge this piece against others- because it's on a different type-of-good level. On it's own level, this gets a 9.7/10.

pixiesfanyo- I have a hard time with really choppy lyrics- I usually like more "meat" I guess. But besides the fact that it's not my style, I understand what it's about; contrary to- I guess- others. But I still feel that it ends a little abruptly. The last stanza doesn't follow the flow that you have created in the other stanzas- the rhyming and so on. However, it could be interesting; and to your credit, the abruptness of the peice goes along with how little the topic is spoken about. So that is good.

toddcotham- I like how this begins, I can really get a sense of the mood, and I can see the scene. I think “fateful fulfiller” is quite a mouthful to sing…but it depends on the tempo. I like that you have personified suicide as a man. (How did you know that personification is my favorite form of figurative language?!?) So far- the flow is perfect, the rhyming is not predictable and the personification is…really good. The lines “…she creates him…they meet…they become one…” really bring a sense of movement and almost a rushed feeling to this piece, which I like very much. The two line-endings with “candlelight” in the beginning and the end are great too. Nice work!

subtledagger- For some reason, the first stanza doesn’t do it for me. I think it may be the line "in dead Decembers" because I've seen it before. However, I really like the next stanza. “what can I say?...” Your use of repetition of that line, and the homonymous “leave…leaves” is excellent. The flow is interesting; I don’t know if I especially like it; but at least it’s consistent. I really enjoyed the last stanza; the personification and rhyming is commendable.

runamokrampant- I was left confused after the first few lines… they seem a little choppy. The last line (of the first stanza) also doesn’t fit very well with the flow. However, after reading the piece in entirety, the irregular flow fits with the theme; in and out of sleep, etc. Besides the fact that I can’t find the challenge word anywhere… It’s interesting.

super deluxe- It seems to me that a lot of the lines start a thought, and then there's nothing to support it or back it up...or at least finish it. A few lines go together, but on the whole I think you could re-work the structure/flow of the lines together. You do have a few good lines: "Seraphim circle the head of a pin", "myrrh is on the inhale"; I like those. I guess it's just not my cup of tea.

bowl of oranges- critiqued this in S&L.

seasonofthemad- The rhyme scheme held too much of my focus in this piece. Well thought-out rhyming should almost seem like an ingenious accident to the reader; that the two words that rhyme completely stand on their own, and are not out of place- but seem to rhyme by chance. I don't know if that makes any sense- but at least know this: making the rhyming scheme the main part of your writing is not the best. On the contrary, I do like the lines: "the boy is lost at sea/floating atop the endless green." Keep it up; and re-work this, and you might have a really good lyric.

xkonradx- I like this piece. However, I have to say that I'm not partial to the stanza beginning with "attempting to force these images out of my mind"; the rhyming is too predictable for my taste. On the other hand, as much as the rhyming of the next stanza is somewhat predictable as well, I do like the imagery. I really like the line, "this is where I blinked" It changes the tone of the piece so that the last stanza fits in. Over all, a few things can be worked out, but I enjoyed reading this.

addicted tochaos- The title to this piece is cool. I don’t like the line “fleshed out without a seam” the two ‘out’s are too close to each other. I’ve mentioned this to others; but punctuation is important in defining flow for readers. I think writers can only benefit from the use of punctuation. Otherwise, it starts to sounds like random thoughts all stuck together and not thought out properly. I like the line “A statement for two”. I’m not sure what style of music this is for; depending on how that part fits in with the music, it could be pretty cool. I really like the thought you have with “Everyone’s beautiful in the dark/ Everyone’s the same when it’s dark” but I don’t think that it is the best way to phrase it. I mean, it’s not bad; but I think it could be a lot better. I also think that the line “Right before we’re too pretty” is out of place; the word ‘pretty’ especially. I understand that you are referring back to the beauty of everyone in the dark, but I don’t like the use of the word ‘pretty’ there. Overall, it has potential. But it needs to be worked on.

corrupt2057- Okay. The first two lines are really over-used and should be changed. Actually the whole first stanza should be looked at. I like the two lines “Aiming at the pigeon but killing the dove/ Wasn't exactly fair but it was close enough” in the third stanza. The chorus is…interesting. (as a side note: I think it would be better if you used actual ellipsis (“…”) instead of only partial ones.) It depends on the music; the chorus could be good, or horrid. But, that depends. This isn’t a major issue of mine, but it’s something I’ll mention: In the second line of the last verse, it’s the first time (and only time) that you put the reader/listener into the song- by saying “You”. I don’t know if you want to do that- it might be better to keep the song in one consistent perspective. Like I said, it’s not a major stumbling block, but you might want to think about it. Overall, it’s not bad. I would re-work the first verse/stanza.

jurialmunkey- Okay this is hard to follow- I’m not sure what the slashes are supposed to represent. (The breaks in lines? Different parts being sung?) Anyway. It’s pretty gruesome. I don’t see much flow, although there is a lot of repetition of lines and themes. That much is interesting. Right now it just sounds like angst poetry. It’s un-refined; but with the possibility of eventually inspiring a good piece.

mighty morphan power ranger- Okay. I seem to say this a lot; and if it’s getting old, I’m sorry. But, punctuation! Punctuation is good! It’s not needed at the end of every single line, but put it where there should be some! With that out of the way: this piece has some good qualities. I like the first line; it grabs the reader/listener’s attention. I like how you’ve used the imagery to pull out your theme. I like: “I sent every letter you wrote flying/ Away in paper airplanes”. The piece ends abruptly, but it works with the theme (and line: "mustn’t stay too long…”<-- by the way you misspelled “mustn’t”). On the whole, nice work.

k.s.e.- Interesting piece. For reasons that I cannot figure, it’s not my favorite. It has good flow, and a subtle rhyme scheme; which I like; but I don’t really connect with it I guess. I do like the line: “a circle, ever bending…” I’m sorry I don’t have much else to say…