Sputnik Music Forums - View Single Post - Challenge 88 - Voting

kevbud187 · 05-27-2005, 11:08 PM

kevbud187-u suck so bad I won’t even place u.

DFelon204409- ........huh?......that was quite strange if you ask me. Um I see how the title fits into the song and I read the disclaimer but still little to no rhyming was used. This was more of writing down rough draft of a song before it was cut down and started to rhyme..At all and or make sense. Also a little bit of constructive criticism. In the first and last verse you use a character named Grandpa. It was very confusing because in first verse he was dead and in the last he gave you cigars.....??? I am still confused so I must give you a low ranking.

pixiesfanyo- I though the first two and a half verses were awesome. Then you go to "Of a little girl, In Africa.".... which was quite random and felt out of place. also "Are what these walls grope" was a very awkward line soully because walls cannot grope.

toddcotham- For a song with a topic like this very good. Description was excellent and I believe there was maybe some unintended symbolism in most of your lyrics. Some negatives are I think the first & last verse could survive without the third line. Also the last two lines of the first and last verses were "candlelight" unless you are repeating these for effect I would omit them and reconstruct that line.

Subtle Dagger- Some people are afraid of your crits, but I’m gonna be brutally honest. The rhyme scheme had huge gaps between common rhyme sounds in the longer of the lines. The last line of the second verse was awkward and out of place in an otherwise near perfect verse. Only other problem with the second verse was the fifth line. It didn't rhyme, and it was bizarre because obituaries are already lifeless, in the fact they are inanimate and the fact that they are statement of one who has died. I feel that line is a little redundant. Verses three and four were excellent. The very last line was random....it was very unexpected and not it a good way.

super deluxe- The first verse was awesome, but the last line was super random. I like the chorus, both of them were the best part of the song. The second verse was kind of blah. Not really that interesting. Ending was mediocre. Why? is my question. Why do I care? I don’t understand what happened in your song because it was unclear so why do I care.

Bowl of Oranges- First off I think it was cute how you put your name and the date you wrote it down at the bottom, I don’t know if this is just practice but it was weird anyways. The first verse was very cool I don’t think anything needs to be changed there. The lines in between had no reference to the first verse but rather to what was to come. I hope the second verse was metaphorical because otherwise I hate it. Everything after that was average and uninteresting and I didn't like it.

Season of The Mad- in the first line it is stated that the "The boy has grown into a man", yet throughout the song "the 'boy' is lost at sea,". I have no comment on wording and structure because it is all very very good. But the ending just didn’t accomplish anything. I didn't feel any closure to the song. The ending is killing am potential this song has.

xKONRADx-the title had no meaning towards the song, none whatsoever. I think "Drops of Concentrated Concern" would fit better. I think rhyming was very forced and that some lines were just used as fills. I like most all other verses but some parts are just not good at all.

addicted tochaos- First line is so awesome! This song would work for metal and/or hardcore but prolly nothing else. The third stanza and the use of "dark" as the last word didn't really work for me. The rest of the song read pretty much the same as the first half although the repeat line towards the end worked well. But what the hell is up with the title? It makes no sense with the song.

WhatILivefoR- Hardcore I am assuming. The first verse is pretty awesome with the imagery that is used. Wow! Verses that actually work together. Some other people that entered this challenge could learn from you. Thank You. I thought it was very strange that the number of lines per stanza were as follows: 7, 10, 7, and 10. But if it works to music than go for it. "If it sounds right, it is right. Who cares how you got there?" Not much else to comment about. Wording was fine for me and the title worked well.

Corupt2057- As you might know I crit alot about rhyme scheme, but your worked. At least the first and third lines rhymed which is all that it has to in order to work as a non-screamed song. All the verses flow very well and they actually have a story that is progressive. The symbolism in this song was impeccable and it wouldn't be the song (obviously because of the title) without it. Now the second half of the song switches up from 1st and 3rd rhyming to 2nd and 4th rhyming, risky, but depending on how it is sung it could work. There is some other rhyming that occurs throughout the song also which was unexpected but also worked well. The ending worked because it was similar to the middle section but it left the listener(reader) wondering.

jurialmunkey- I think the wrecking ball would work as a better title. There is so much for me to say about the structure and wording that I mine as well just say totally re-do this song over. Imagery worked but there was no story line that I could detect or any theme for that matter.

Mighty Morphin power Ranger- Wow! imagery is awesome and there is an actual story. Yay! I’m not going to comment on rhyme scheme because I think any changes in wording would ruin this song. Thank you for making comparisons of similar subjects ex. "Hopes of "I do" echo away In the tin cans tied to the bumper" & "For every Titanic, there's an iceberg" Great job.

k.s.e.-Incredible flow but could be restructured for clarity. There is really not much to say about this song except that the ending was very very good. Some work on this and it could reach its full potential.

Tyrion- well you can rhyme but maybe just a little too well it seems forced. Also the song is a little to bland. If you added a story it would be much more interesting a probably would be a much better song.

Rushafan2112- Not much to say other than this song is pretty bland. A lot of unanswered and just a general theme was left to the listener(reader) to leave them thinking. I would think more would be needed to make a very good song out of this.

RANKS

kevbud187 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ None
DFelon204409 ~~~~~~~~~~ 16th
pixiesfanyo ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9th
toddcotham ~~~~~~~~~~~ 6th
SubtleDagger ~~~~~~~~~~ 2nd
super dexlue ~~~~~~~~~~~ 10th
bowl of oranges ~~~~~~~~~ 13th
SeasonOfTheMad ~~~~~~~~ 7th
xKONRADx ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11th
addicted tochaos ~~~~~~~~ 8th
WhatILivefoR ~~~~~~~~~~~ 4th
Corupt2057 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3rd
jurialmunkey ~~~~~~~~~~~ 15th
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger ~ 1st
k.s.e. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5th
Tyrion ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14th
Rushfan2112 ~~~~~~~~~~~ 12th

05-27-2005, 11:08 PM	#10
kevbud187 Komm, süßer Tod Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Southern California Guitar: 1967 Martin D-15 Posts: 1,066	kevbud187-u suck so bad I won’t even place u. DFelon204409- ........huh?......that was quite strange if you ask me. Um I see how the title fits into the song and I read the disclaimer but still little to no rhyming was used. This was more of writing down rough draft of a song before it was cut down and started to rhyme..At all and or make sense. Also a little bit of constructive criticism. In the first and last verse you use a character named Grandpa. It was very confusing because in first verse he was dead and in the last he gave you cigars.....??? I am still confused so I must give you a low ranking. pixiesfanyo- I though the first two and a half verses were awesome. Then you go to "Of a little girl, In Africa.".... which was quite random and felt out of place. also "Are what these walls grope" was a very awkward line soully because walls cannot grope. toddcotham- For a song with a topic like this very good. Description was excellent and I believe there was maybe some unintended symbolism in most of your lyrics. Some negatives are I think the first & last verse could survive without the third line. Also the last two lines of the first and last verses were "candlelight" unless you are repeating these for effect I would omit them and reconstruct that line. Subtle Dagger- Some people are afraid of your crits, but I’m gonna be brutally honest. The rhyme scheme had huge gaps between common rhyme sounds in the longer of the lines. The last line of the second verse was awkward and out of place in an otherwise near perfect verse. Only other problem with the second verse was the fifth line. It didn't rhyme, and it was bizarre because obituaries are already lifeless, in the fact they are inanimate and the fact that they are statement of one who has died. I feel that line is a little redundant. Verses three and four were excellent. The very last line was random....it was very unexpected and not it a good way. super deluxe- The first verse was awesome, but the last line was super random. I like the chorus, both of them were the best part of the song. The second verse was kind of blah. Not really that interesting. Ending was mediocre. Why? is my question. Why do I care? I don’t understand what happened in your song because it was unclear so why do I care. Bowl of Oranges- First off I think it was cute how you put your name and the date you wrote it down at the bottom, I don’t know if this is just practice but it was weird anyways. The first verse was very cool I don’t think anything needs to be changed there. The lines in between had no reference to the first verse but rather to what was to come. I hope the second verse was metaphorical because otherwise I hate it. Everything after that was average and uninteresting and I didn't like it. Season of The Mad- in the first line it is stated that the "The boy has grown into a man", yet throughout the song "the 'boy' is lost at sea,". I have no comment on wording and structure because it is all very very good. But the ending just didn’t accomplish anything. I didn't feel any closure to the song. The ending is killing am potential this song has. xKONRADx-the title had no meaning towards the song, none whatsoever. I think "Drops of Concentrated Concern" would fit better. I think rhyming was very forced and that some lines were just used as fills. I like most all other verses but some parts are just not good at all. addicted tochaos- First line is so awesome! This song would work for metal and/or hardcore but prolly nothing else. The third stanza and the use of "dark" as the last word didn't really work for me. The rest of the song read pretty much the same as the first half although the repeat line towards the end worked well. But what the hell is up with the title? It makes no sense with the song. WhatILivefoR- Hardcore I am assuming. The first verse is pretty awesome with the imagery that is used. Wow! Verses that actually work together. Some other people that entered this challenge could learn from you. Thank You. I thought it was very strange that the number of lines per stanza were as follows: 7, 10, 7, and 10. But if it works to music than go for it. "If it sounds right, it is right. Who cares how you got there?" Not much else to comment about. Wording was fine for me and the title worked well. Corupt2057- As you might know I crit alot about rhyme scheme, but your worked. At least the first and third lines rhymed which is all that it has to in order to work as a non-screamed song. All the verses flow very well and they actually have a story that is progressive. The symbolism in this song was impeccable and it wouldn't be the song (obviously because of the title) without it. Now the second half of the song switches up from 1st and 3rd rhyming to 2nd and 4th rhyming, risky, but depending on how it is sung it could work. There is some other rhyming that occurs throughout the song also which was unexpected but also worked well. The ending worked because it was similar to the middle section but it left the listener(reader) wondering. jurialmunkey- I think the wrecking ball would work as a better title. There is so much for me to say about the structure and wording that I mine as well just say totally re-do this song over. Imagery worked but there was no story line that I could detect or any theme for that matter. Mighty Morphin power Ranger- Wow! imagery is awesome and there is an actual story. Yay! I’m not going to comment on rhyme scheme because I think any changes in wording would ruin this song. Thank you for making comparisons of similar subjects ex. "Hopes of "I do" echo away In the tin cans tied to the bumper" & "For every Titanic, there's an iceberg" Great job. k.s.e.-Incredible flow but could be restructured for clarity. There is really not much to say about this song except that the ending was very very good. Some work on this and it could reach its full potential. Tyrion- well you can rhyme but maybe just a little too well it seems forced. Also the song is a little to bland. If you added a story it would be much more interesting a probably would be a much better song. Rushafan2112- Not much to say other than this song is pretty bland. A lot of unanswered and just a general theme was left to the listener(reader) to leave them thinking. I would think more would be needed to make a very good song out of this. RANKS kevbud187 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ None DFelon204409 ~~~~~~~~~~ 16th pixiesfanyo ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9th toddcotham ~~~~~~~~~~~ 6th SubtleDagger ~~~~~~~~~~ 2nd super dexlue ~~~~~~~~~~~ 10th bowl of oranges ~~~~~~~~~ 13th SeasonOfTheMad ~~~~~~~~ 7th xKONRADx ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11th addicted tochaos ~~~~~~~~ 8th WhatILivefoR ~~~~~~~~~~~ 4th Corupt2057 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3rd jurialmunkey ~~~~~~~~~~~ 15th Mighty Morphin Power Ranger ~ 1st k.s.e. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5th Tyrion ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14th Rushfan2112 ~~~~~~~~~~~ 12th Last edited by kevbud187; 05-28-2005 at 11:49 PM.