Sputnik Music Forums - View Single Post - Challenge 88 - Voting

super deluxe · 05-26-2005, 07:18 PM

kevbud187- You’re telling us instead of showing us what you mean. The song would be more interesting if you described the girl so that she seemed young, instead of just telling us from the outset. This has such a clear-cut overused story that it’s hard to identify with, or make an emotional connection. It doesn’t seem like you actually know anyone like this.

DFelon204409- I have mixed feelings about this song, because while it’s well written, I feel like it could have used one more harsh editing pass. Your writing is vibrant enough, and sometimes it’s just too many adjectives. It’s like putting butter on ice cream, it’s just too high calorie concentrate. That said, the narrative is good, and the story you’re telling is interesting in its own right, which is more than I can say for a lot of things I read here. Oh yeah, and a “courier” is someone who carries letters or packages. A “currier” makes spicy South Asian food…

Pixiesfanyo- I’m sure it will irritate you to no end to hear this, but this song is too short. I shouldn’t have to read an article about some obscure dude to get what’s going on. The piece doesn’t have enough meat to stand on its own, and when I read it without the background you later provided, it just seemed like a few pretty phrases that didn’t have enough chutzpah to be a whole song. Granted, what you have makes nice allusions to the story you started with, but it’s not enough.

Toddcotham- Not bad, especially considering the topic. Actually, maybe the title is what put me off it at first. I would call it something like “Spilled Cursive.” Alluding to a line in the song, suggesting a story, and spilled blood. But without the “beat you over the head obviousness” of your present title. I would cut the “our father” line, I don’t think it adds much, and it ruins the parallels of the “she does ____/they meet___” lines. The “writing each step” line is particularly nice in the flow of the song.

SubtleDagger- I was with you until the “spring/roses” lines.. It made me think of that Seal song, which is NOT a good thing. The theme of the song is excellent, and could be very moving, but that there lapse into cliché so near the end has got to go. Otherwise, the rhythm of it is quite good, and you actually have something worth saying, which is always pleasant.

RunAmokRampant- DQ

super deluxe- your hero!

bowl of oranges- This song was ok, but even after the third read, I didn’t feel emotionally connected to it. More like I had been lectured at, and I didn’t really get. Not that I didn’t understand the point of your song, but the tone is so arch that the “warm” imagery can’t get through. Your vocab is smothering the song.

SeasonOfTheMad- You pick possibly the most obvious rhymes in the English language, and then combine them in the most obvious way. Grave/slave, near/tear, true/flew. Meh. Your use of exclamation points made me laugh! Ha! Ha!

xKONRADx- It’s been a while since I read much of your writing, and I think you’re improving. A bit more capitalization and such would make it easier to read, but you have some good alliteration there. The rhymes are pretty obvious, but your other lines made up for it. I like that you actually used some specific descriptions of what seems to be (whether it is or not) a real scene.

addicted_tochaos- Your vocabulary doesn’t overwhelm the song and do it a disservice, as seems pretty common here. I wasn’t crazy about the “something must be done” line, but there were others that made up for it. I don’t really have much advice to offer you because I think it’s just right the way it is, though it seems a bit...sterile? I dunno, it's good, but it feels like it's not quite all the way there yet.

WhatILivefoR- Enough of the knife/cutting/bleeding/heart/death imagery, people! This reminds me of every live journal I’ve ever made fun of written by every goth girl with striped tights and magenta eyeshadow. Granted, this is better put together than most of those, but if you explored a bit further afield in your imagery, I think your piece would be a lot more interesting.

Corupt2057- I know what “quid pro quo” is, and I know what “lachrymose” is, so you telling me at the beginning is annoying. If people need to look up words, they can. I found your song fairly generic, though the Poe allusion was mildly interesting. This song did not evoke any strong emotion in me, but then, songs where people come right out and say things like “broken heart” rarely do.

Jurialmunkey- Ah, bloodthirsty jurial. I’m really coming to expect this sort of thing from you now. You know, the song would be just as good if you got rid of the “stuff a heart…blood” line. And I loved the line about the crows “mine/mine”. Quite a sanguineous group of songs this week!

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
k.s.e.
Tyrion
Rushfan2112

----------------
kevbud187-15

DFelon204409- 4

Pixiesfanyo-11

Toddcotham- 2

SubtleDagger- 1

super deluxe- n/a

bowl of oranges-9

SeasonOfTheMad-14

XKONRADx-6

addicted_tochaos- 3

WhatILivefoR-10

Corupt2057-12

Jurialmunkey-7

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger-8

k.s.e.- 5

Tyrion-16

05-26-2005, 07:18 PM	#4
super deluxe ... Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 3,627	kevbud187- You’re telling us instead of showing us what you mean. The song would be more interesting if you described the girl so that she seemed young, instead of just telling us from the outset. This has such a clear-cut overused story that it’s hard to identify with, or make an emotional connection. It doesn’t seem like you actually know anyone like this. DFelon204409- I have mixed feelings about this song, because while it’s well written, I feel like it could have used one more harsh editing pass. Your writing is vibrant enough, and sometimes it’s just too many adjectives. It’s like putting butter on ice cream, it’s just too high calorie concentrate. That said, the narrative is good, and the story you’re telling is interesting in its own right, which is more than I can say for a lot of things I read here. Oh yeah, and a “courier” is someone who carries letters or packages. A “currier” makes spicy South Asian food… Pixiesfanyo- I’m sure it will irritate you to no end to hear this, but this song is too short. I shouldn’t have to read an article about some obscure dude to get what’s going on. The piece doesn’t have enough meat to stand on its own, and when I read it without the background you later provided, it just seemed like a few pretty phrases that didn’t have enough chutzpah to be a whole song. Granted, what you have makes nice allusions to the story you started with, but it’s not enough. Toddcotham- Not bad, especially considering the topic. Actually, maybe the title is what put me off it at first. I would call it something like “Spilled Cursive.” Alluding to a line in the song, suggesting a story, and spilled blood. But without the “beat you over the head obviousness” of your present title. I would cut the “our father” line, I don’t think it adds much, and it ruins the parallels of the “she does ____/they meet___” lines. The “writing each step” line is particularly nice in the flow of the song. SubtleDagger- I was with you until the “spring/roses” lines.. It made me think of that Seal song, which is NOT a good thing. The theme of the song is excellent, and could be very moving, but that there lapse into cliché so near the end has got to go. Otherwise, the rhythm of it is quite good, and you actually have something worth saying, which is always pleasant. RunAmokRampant- DQ super deluxe- your hero! bowl of oranges- This song was ok, but even after the third read, I didn’t feel emotionally connected to it. More like I had been lectured at, and I didn’t really get. Not that I didn’t understand the point of your song, but the tone is so arch that the “warm” imagery can’t get through. Your vocab is smothering the song. SeasonOfTheMad- You pick possibly the most obvious rhymes in the English language, and then combine them in the most obvious way. Grave/slave, near/tear, true/flew. Meh. Your use of exclamation points made me laugh! Ha! Ha! xKONRADx- It’s been a while since I read much of your writing, and I think you’re improving. A bit more capitalization and such would make it easier to read, but you have some good alliteration there. The rhymes are pretty obvious, but your other lines made up for it. I like that you actually used some specific descriptions of what seems to be (whether it is or not) a real scene. addicted_tochaos- Your vocabulary doesn’t overwhelm the song and do it a disservice, as seems pretty common here. I wasn’t crazy about the “something must be done” line, but there were others that made up for it. I don’t really have much advice to offer you because I think it’s just right the way it is, though it seems a bit...sterile? I dunno, it's good, but it feels like it's not quite all the way there yet. WhatILivefoR- Enough of the knife/cutting/bleeding/heart/death imagery, people! This reminds me of every live journal I’ve ever made fun of written by every goth girl with striped tights and magenta eyeshadow. Granted, this is better put together than most of those, but if you explored a bit further afield in your imagery, I think your piece would be a lot more interesting. Corupt2057- I know what “quid pro quo” is, and I know what “lachrymose” is, so you telling me at the beginning is annoying. If people need to look up words, they can. I found your song fairly generic, though the Poe allusion was mildly interesting. This song did not evoke any strong emotion in me, but then, songs where people come right out and say things like “broken heart” rarely do. Jurialmunkey- Ah, bloodthirsty jurial. I’m really coming to expect this sort of thing from you now. You know, the song would be just as good if you got rid of the “stuff a heart…blood” line. And I loved the line about the crows “mine/mine”. Quite a sanguineous group of songs this week! Mighty Morphin Power Ranger k.s.e. Tyrion Rushfan2112 ---------------- kevbud187-15 DFelon204409- 4 Pixiesfanyo-11 Toddcotham- 2 SubtleDagger- 1 super deluxe- n/a bowl of oranges-9 SeasonOfTheMad-14 XKONRADx-6 addicted_tochaos- 3 WhatILivefoR-10 Corupt2057-12 Jurialmunkey-7 Mighty Morphin Power Ranger-8 k.s.e.- 5 Tyrion-16 Last edited by super deluxe; 06-06-2005 at 12:27 AM.