OVERALL NOTES: A word like this sucks because pretty much everyone uses it the same way and writes the same old boring traveler songs. Ick. Also, rhyming is not necessary, and forced ones sound stupid. Learn how to punctuate. Lots of you throw punctuation all around like it’s going out of style. It’s like signaling when to breathe, and it sets the pacing, so put some thought into it first.
7 Corupt2057- You’re kidding, right? Rhyming tired old schlock like “wrong/long” and belligerently punctuating doesn’t exactly make for smooth reading. Not to mention mallcore lines like “I know I’m different but not everyone knows.” And then I get to the even more stale “lies/eyes” rhyme. Seriously, you don’t have a bad premise, just think about SHOWING, instead of TELLING. Don’t bludgeon me over the head with your story, show it to me in an interesting, new way.
9 Mr. Hankie- You said you wrote your song as a joke. That’s coo’.
6 Disco Dragon- At least you’re getting better at rhyming things that don’t make me want to stab pencils in my ears. That said, some of your soft rhymes are pretty tenuous. Instead of scrabbling so hard to get them, why don’t you just let the flow of the words themselves do the work, and leave the rhymes to Shel Silverstein?
5 RunAmokRampant- I was vaguely interested in your song, and then you stabbed me through the heart with your dagger and…You settled back into the lame-o blood imagery at the end, and it seemed like a cop out. Other than that, pretty average song (which is good, by this challenge’s standards)
1 6945- I rather like this, it’s certainly the best of what I’ve read so far. The last line is a winner, and would make a nice hook. I am glad that you do not abuse your vocabulary, and the rhymes are pleasant and inoffensive. I think it needs a more realized second chorus.
4 Rushfan2112- Don’t complain about getting bad rankings when you’re rhyming “be/see” and “last/fast”. This isn’t terribly sophisticated; it’s full of generalities, and lacks the specifics needed to really grab a listener. Content wise, you need to dip below the surface of high-school philosophy and come up with a way to give specific situational details.
8 SeasonOfTheMad- You don’t need to punctuate the end of every line. It interrupts the flow, and seems amateurish. Your rhymes seem forced, and the story is very common. Keep working at it, and I’m sure you’ll come up with better offerings in the future.
super deluxe-
2 JurialMunkey- It’s true, it is so cliché. But the fact that you know that makes it somehow more palatable. You have some nice morbid lines in there, but I feel like you need another stanza in there to really develop a scathing moral of some sort.
3 addicted tochaos- When did you stop writing pretty ethereal weird things and start writing emo? Though, I guess this seems to me like the one in the challenge that could best be set to actual music.