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Bigbadbob · 03-22-2005, 12:31 PM

Runamokrampant 7.7/10 4th
I really like your creativity and it took me awhile to figure out why your disconcerting style just doesnt flow. You seem to consistantly "over use" prepositions. Which in turn upsets any rhythmic meter. Here's an example of what I mean...

"Words gotten out…the deeds been exchanged
A bloody hand prying from one so rigid
From the cold of rigor mortis, something worse
Our fate seems firmly sealed
Choice is now his discretion
To the rest of us we see
In the place of a shepherd
another wolf disguised jackal"

I took out any unnecessary "that" "to" "so" "is" and the flow seems much better. Also "Of what we so desperately strive for" lose the "for"..it's just bad grammer.

Pixesfanyo Where'd you come from? 8/10 2

BBB

A perfect sonnet 8/10 3rd
funny how sometimes you can re-read and get a different feeling. It still seems abbreviated but I like it.

Corupt2057 7.5/10 6th
Its not the content I question but the delivery.

"As different as we all seem to be,
why do the masses all prefer,
the consistant portrayal of beauty..?
Denoting all else as the lack there of.."

sounds more like an arguement in a debate than lyrics

apartofmegetsore 6.8/10 9
Does this lose track of where its going? I mean in the first stanza "I'll rip you to shreds" then later "You'll lure me in again And use me and discard'. I just wonder who is using/ripping whom?

Rushfan2112 7.4/10 7th
Not bad...you turned a couple good phrases but the chorus was a little weak I thought. Seemed to have good energy but for all the ideas put forth kinda came off a little light.

Thepurplewater 7.6/10 5th
Good Title. Not much to say but looks good.

addicted tochaos 7.2/10 8th
"that strange as Earth to me" "There's never any other glare in my eyes" "There's a snow-cloud on the horizons" I dont think you were really focused here. There are some good moments and lines but its inconsistant

Careyb 5/10 10th
hmmm...not really up to challenge standards but I see something worh exploring. Keep at it!

k.s.e. 9/10 1st
"dreamer... it burgeons" no wonder we tied

03-22-2005, 12:31 PM	#6
Bigbadbob Lacks Originality Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Portland, Or Posts: 1,350	Runamokrampant 7.7/10 4th I really like your creativity and it took me awhile to figure out why your disconcerting style just doesnt flow. You seem to consistantly "over use" prepositions. Which in turn upsets any rhythmic meter. Here's an example of what I mean... "Words gotten out…the deeds been exchanged A bloody hand prying from one so rigid From the cold of rigor mortis, something worse Our fate seems firmly sealed Choice is now his discretion To the rest of us we see In the place of a shepherd another wolf disguised jackal" I took out any unnecessary "that" "to" "so" "is" and the flow seems much better. Also "Of what we so desperately strive for" lose the "for"..it's just bad grammer. Pixesfanyo Where'd you come from? 8/10 2 BBB A perfect sonnet 8/10 3rd funny how sometimes you can re-read and get a different feeling. It still seems abbreviated but I like it. Corupt2057 7.5/10 6th Its not the content I question but the delivery. "As different as we all seem to be, why do the masses all prefer, the consistant portrayal of beauty..? Denoting all else as the lack there of.." sounds more like an arguement in a debate than lyrics apartofmegetsore 6.8/10 9 Does this lose track of where its going? I mean in the first stanza "I'll rip you to shreds" then later "You'll lure me in again And use me and discard'. I just wonder who is using/ripping whom? Rushfan2112 7.4/10 7th Not bad...you turned a couple good phrases but the chorus was a little weak I thought. Seemed to have good energy but for all the ideas put forth kinda came off a little light. Thepurplewater 7.6/10 5th Good Title. Not much to say but looks good. addicted tochaos 7.2/10 8th "that strange as Earth to me" "There's never any other glare in my eyes" "There's a snow-cloud on the horizons" I dont think you were really focused here. There are some good moments and lines but its inconsistant Careyb 5/10 10th hmmm...not really up to challenge standards but I see something worh exploring. Keep at it! k.s.e. 9/10 1st "dreamer... it burgeons" no wonder we tied Last edited by Bigbadbob; 03-29-2005 at 09:11 AM.