|
oaky here goes all my comments will have a // in front of them
Broken
i am broken, i can't feel
right behind the steering wheel
my mind is bleeding thoughts of you
don't know what i'm going to do
//The first line is a little weak...the first line is stating you've entered a period where you have become walled by your own shock...and while it you were going for a rhyming scheme, and it paints a setting, you should consider making this a bit stronger, this is your friends life and your reaction to the loss, strong imagery is must...
i think i'll drive into this wall
it's made of brick, stand 10 feet tall
"i'm gonna die" you said to me
tears fill my eyes and i can't see
//Direction on this is good, but once again weak imagery, it paints an almost cartoonish picture in my head here's a suggestion....
if you're dying then i am too
can't take this **** that you've been through
this is the worst it's ever been
my other half, my finest friend
//personal feelings once again, try to paint this stronger, your sympathizing with your want for a way out. This person obviously means everything to you, so naturally you want to follow..your devotion could be much better painted
i say goodbye to your sweet face
and as you're leaving from this place
i hold your hand and touch your cheek
it's hard to see you when you're weak
//this is sweet right here, but im starting to notice that your moving through your wall, part of this song is your reaction, and you have written this in pretty standard psycological pattern....shock, to pain, to anger, to grief, to letting go. you might want to consider revising this as a chorus, because its the i've moved passed this now, though it pains me to see this, which is the overall theme of the song.
i close your eyes for you my dear
now you are ridden of your fear
and as i blow your face a kiss
i swallow a bullet... it's come to this[/quote]
//Move this passage its regressive. This is your grief statment, mixed with an angered moment, it should come before your "passing" moment in the song. this part is pivoital and states your want and need to join your friend,
your (metophorical?) temptation to end your own life.
//for closing statments and recommendation, try taking this piece and use it as a point to do a freewriting. Your main problem area in this is imagery. remember that a good polished piece is going to make the audience sympathize wholely with your position or evoke some other strong reation. I think if you take the time to freewrite you will be able to come back to this with a strong second draft that will get those reaction.
//If you want to check out some really strong lyrics to concept from to get a better idea, check out "space dye vest" by dream theater, which is along this same concept, dealing with pain and loss. Otherwise a nice start and I hope to see an excellent draft of this in the future.
|