I tried critting this the second you posted it.. .. .. but my browser or something ****ed up and didn't post my crit... and now it seems different and longer.. perhaps?
Quote:
And If I could think of anything to say I guess I wouldn't be
Speechless. Standing. Waiting.
It's only 11 but it feels like 3.
And it's cold enough to warrant a reason to leave.
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good start.. I love songs that incorporate time into them.. and seasons. Speechless-----good!
Quote:
My back's on the wall but I feel like I'm in charge...
I guess I'm lying to myself after all.
Am I strong enough to pull myself up?
Is this it? Did I try hard enough?
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good imagery.. haha, I pictured doing pull ups for the second line..
Quote:
[Chorus]
The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway
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can't complain
Quote:
And if I could think of anything to feel I guess I wouldn't be
Useless. Listen. Nothing.
It's half past 2 but it feels like 3.
Why do bad things always happen to me?
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good.. but the time's close enough that it feels wrong.. unless you're late for work or something?
Quote:
I'm down on the ground but I feel like I'm up...
I seem to lack the urge to give up
And am I strong enough to let this one go?
Is it over? What do I owe?
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this isn't as strong as the other stanzas.. I know your idea + etc with the first line, but you can do better than this..
Quote:
The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway
And as the last car pulls itself onto the shoulder
I feel kind of weak and I look myself over
And as my good life fades, its taken away
At least I never had the decency to care anyway
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did I already say something about this part?
Quote:
{bridge}
Is it so bad to rather drown that fall
Out the top floor window of a desolate hall
And to pass through the air looking back on it all
And regretting your actions as you hit the wall
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Seasons.. great!
..repeat..
Quote:
Its finally dawn etc
Its finally dawned.
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ummmm ? "etc" this is a poor ending.. I don't know.. it ends the piece with an "Argh! abrupt stop! uncomforable... what the heck.. is this right" kind of feeling... know what I mean...
Overall.. I like it, but it's not your best.. you have more potential than this