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good start needs a little more clarity maybe a metaphor short and sweet of course. It has a dark romantic feel, i once read that you should write what you feel. Now that doesn't neccasarilly mean you have to write what you know but whats inside of you. You make it sound like you wish to write as a transendalist but it comes out with a little southern goth. my advice is to be true to self. I like the message and the need you convey in the song.
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