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gaslight · 02-09-2004, 03:20 AM

Hey man...

We both came back with a new song at like the same time

. Man I haven't done this in ages...

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I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm...

Standing alone
Away from home
With everything floating all around me

Good start, but it seems like it will need a break in between those two parts, so that the "I don't think I'm..." doesnt run on into "standing alone" which would reverse the meaning. I think...

I cannot sleep
I've dug deep
But I cannot find where I'm supposed to be

Dig it .

I'm so gently washed away
Take me back to yester-day
I'm blind and water filled
My presentation's getting killed

Good verse, rhyme is effective, it reminds of the whole Jofus rock style.

Everything stops
By the...

Cool - I'm guessing it signals a change in music because no lyrics seem to follow it.

Strange thoughts running through my head
Everyone around me's bottle-fed
And I can't open up my mind
Because...I'm weak and approaching color-blind
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm...

It is a good verse - I like how it draws together previous ideas; blindness, don't think I'm ready, etc. The bottle-fed line is a good one.

Fearing the light
Of my own fight
I may be the only one who finds it hard

Good last line, first two don't seem the best though.

To...

Stand all alone
Away from home
There's a shadow in the courtyard

Great verse I like it a lot.

I could approach it quiet
But then I could scare it
What good will a shadow be
And yesterday beyond me

Another real good verse, standard of writing is up in this one, paints a much better picture.

I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm ready...
I don't think I'm going
Take me back to yesterday

Good way to round it all off again, and start to bring it together, especially when you mentioned a sporadic style.

Everything stops again
Spoken
It's a decision you'll never get to make

And the ending .
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Good to see you again man, another solid effort

.

02-09-2004, 03:20 AM	#11
gaslight Some place better Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Sydney Posts: 27,365	Hey man... We both came back with a new song at like the same time . Man I haven't done this in ages... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm... Standing alone Away from home With everything floating all around me Good start, but it seems like it will need a break in between those two parts, so that the "I don't think I'm..." doesnt run on into "standing alone" which would reverse the meaning. I think... I cannot sleep I've dug deep But I cannot find where I'm supposed to be Dig it . I'm so gently washed away Take me back to yester-day I'm blind and water filled My presentation's getting killed Good verse, rhyme is effective, it reminds of the whole Jofus rock style. Everything stops By the... Cool - I'm guessing it signals a change in music because no lyrics seem to follow it. Strange thoughts running through my head Everyone around me's bottle-fed And I can't open up my mind Because...I'm weak and approaching color-blind I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm... It is a good verse - I like how it draws together previous ideas; blindness, don't think I'm ready, etc. The bottle-fed line is a good one. Fearing the light Of my own fight I may be the only one who finds it hard Good last line, first two don't seem the best though. To... Stand all alone Away from home There's a shadow in the courtyard Great verse I like it a lot. I could approach it quiet But then I could scare it What good will a shadow be And yesterday beyond me Another real good verse, standard of writing is up in this one, paints a much better picture. I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm ready... I don't think I'm going Take me back to yesterday Good way to round it all off again, and start to bring it together, especially when you mentioned a sporadic style. Everything stops again Spoken It's a decision you'll never get to make And the ending . ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Good to see you again man, another solid effort .