Winter Reminds Me of This - please critique
 

I have a tune in my head but it doesn't actually have music to it yet. I wrote this one about a year ago, Christmas time. I will tell you what it is about after, unless you can guess.




And If I could think of anything to say I guess I wouldn't be
Speechless. Standing. Waiting.
It's only 11 but it feels like 3.
And it's cold enough to warrant a reason to leave.

My back's on the wall but I feel like I'm in charge...
I guess I'm lying to myself after all.
Am I strong enough to pull myself up?
Is this it? Did I try hard enough?


[Chorus]
The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway

And if I could think of anything to feel I guess I wouldn't be
Useless. Listen. Nothing.
It's half past 2 but it feels like 3.
Why do bad things always happen to me?

I'm down on the ground but I feel like I'm up...
I seem to lack the urge to give up
And am I strong enough to let this one go?
Is it over? What do I owe?


The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway
And as the last car pulls itself onto the shoulder
I feel kind of weak and I look myself over
And as my good life fades, its taken away
At least I never had the decency to care anyway

{bridge}
Is it so bad to rather drown that fall
Out the top floor window of a desolate hall
And to pass through the air looking back on it all
And regretting your actions as you hit the wall

The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway
And as the last car pulls itself onto the shoulder
I feel kind of weak and I look myself over
And as my good life fades, its taken away
At least I never had the decency to care anyway

Its finally dawn etc
Its finally dawned.

wow, 15 views and not a single comment...

i dont know why no one is criting this. i think its really good. i really like...

"am i strong enough to pull myself up? is this it? did i try hard enough?"

good good good! write more!

I like it, kind of annoying to read wiht the caps, but nice rhyming, i like most the lines...some of the lines weren't very interesting or original, but most were a pleasure to read...i like this song and i think it deserves a 7/10. Good job


could u review my song called "Brookyn Heights"...thanks

I like it. point blank

8.5/10

Thanks for the comments. I removed the caps just for you 113. :)

I like it a lot, it inspires me to go and write some more lyrics, or to do some riffs for it.

Have you got anything in mind as to how it'd be sung? I'm thinking that having it sung along the lines of Tool - The Patient would make that an absolutely orgasmic piece of lyricism. A+ effort

I like it. At first read I thought you repeated the verse...instead near identical structure. Good use of parallelism there. Lengthy unless its a fast song, but well composed none the less. Not that lengthy is bad, most of mine are too, but I was just saying that...nevermind...I'm getting tired I guess. Anyways good solid piece, in the bridge maybe change rhyme structure, aaaa is usually boring when sung, i'd say use aabb, abba, or abac, it would be better imo. The chorus is good but maybe overused, it appears as much as the verses b/c of the double repeats, but your choice, your song. That's all I saw. Good work.
always never is mine if you have a chance, thanks!

I posted this like 2 months ago, I noticed it got very few critiques (thank you zep).. anyways, bump time.

Haha, I art the pimp :D

therefore I art the... wait a minute!!

hey, if you didn't get a chance to crit my other one, this one would be nice... of course, both would be even better *wink wink*

before i opened this thread i thought 'ooOo, a morrissey song. maybe i should go through this systematically and do a really useful crit, analysing each stanza seperately'... **** that. its a monster.

when i read it i really got a feel for the tune, although some of the lines like

[I]and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway[/I]

took a few reads to fit this.

[I]And If I could think of anything to say I guess I wouldn't be
Speechless. Standing. Waiting.
It's only 11 but it feels like 3.
And it's cold enough to warrant a reason to leave.

And if I could think of anything to feel I guess I wouldn't be
Useless. Listen. Nothing.
It's half past 2 but it feels like 3.
Why do bad things always happen to me?[/I]

these were great. really like the structure. very smithesque.

[I]I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken[/I]
this was another line that really got me. i have no idea why really (helpful) just liked it a lot. although stick a comma in there for good measure.

overall a lot of the ideas were a little less original than i would hope to see from you, but i can deal with that.

Ooo some more like

[I]And as my good life fades, its taken away
At least I never had the decency to care anyway[/I]

Mmm, sweeeeeeeeeeeeet words.

oh and starting a song with [I]and[/I] is always good fun.

overall a 7.5/10 good job :thumb:

[QUOTE]very smithesque[/QUOTE]
For a Mozza (and Smith) fan, there are no better words :D... ;)

I wrote this one quite a while ago, last Christmas, so... its old. And I hope I've improved since then? hopefully :).

Thanks for the crit dude :).

no problem. im going to crit your other one now, and after a quick skim read i have to say i prefer it. so yeh you've got better! :smoke:

i like the bit about the pay phone

you're all bums.

crit and I will love you forever :D.

I tried critting this the second you posted it.. .. .. but my browser or something ****ed up and didn't post my crit... and now it seems different and longer.. perhaps?


[QUOTE]And If I could think of anything to say I guess I wouldn't be
Speechless. Standing. Waiting.
It's only 11 but it feels like 3.
And it's cold enough to warrant a reason to leave.[/QUOTE] good start.. I love songs that incorporate time into them.. and seasons. Speechless-----good!




[QUOTE]My back's on the wall but I feel like I'm in charge...
I guess I'm lying to myself after all.
Am I strong enough to pull myself up?
Is this it? Did I try hard enough?[/QUOTE] good imagery.. haha, I pictured doing pull ups for the second line..


[QUOTE][Chorus]
The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway[/QUOTE] can't complain


[QUOTE]And if I could think of anything to feel I guess I wouldn't be
Useless. Listen. Nothing.
It's half past 2 but it feels like 3.
Why do bad things always happen to me?[/QUOTE] good.. but the time's close enough that it feels wrong.. unless you're late for work or something?


[QUOTE]I'm down on the ground but I feel like I'm up...
I seem to lack the urge to give up
And am I strong enough to let this one go?
Is it over? What do I owe?[/QUOTE] this isn't as strong as the other stanzas.. I know your idea + etc with the first line, but you can do better than this..


[QUOTE]The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway
And as the last car pulls itself onto the shoulder
I feel kind of weak and I look myself over
And as my good life fades, its taken away
At least I never had the decency to care anyway[/QUOTE] did I already say something about this part?


[QUOTE]{bridge}
Is it so bad to rather drown that fall
Out the top floor window of a desolate hall
And to pass through the air looking back on it all
And regretting your actions as you hit the wall[/QUOTE] Seasons.. great!


..repeat..

[QUOTE]Its finally dawn etc
Its finally dawned.[/QUOTE] ummmm ? "etc" this is a poor ending.. I don't know.. it ends the piece with an "Argh! abrupt stop! uncomforable... what the heck.. is this right" kind of feeling... know what I mean...

Overall.. I like it, but it's not your best.. you have more potential than this

Haha, I know, I wrote this one about a year ago. Obviously the 'etc' isn't in the song... but yeah.

Thanks for the crit, I appreciate the double effort ;).

BTW, thanks for thinking I have more potential than this ;)

haha... etc... i just glanced at the and thought, "what the hell is she writing that for?"
[QUOTE]BTW, thanks for thinking I have more potential than this [/QUOTE] yeah, I think/know/feel that it's true

its very good 6 stars

Excellent work, I'm not going to make a huge crit because the site has been rejecting alot of my post lately so i'll just pick out a few things i liked and didn't...
First the good stuff:
You absolutely nailed this verse:[I]The payphone on the corner is broken
I remind you to call me guess I shouldn't have spoken
and as the spotlight fades, it's taken away
and every good thing that you knew never mattered anyway
And as the last car pulls itself onto the shoulder
I feel kind of weak and I look myself over
And as my good life fades, its taken away
At least I never had the decency to care anyway[/I]

It's deffinately my favorite part

I thought the bridge was excellent too.

there were a few lines in there though that I didn't like especially this one:

[I]It's half past 2 but it feels like 3.
Why do bad things always happen to me?[/I]

This seemed pretty unoriginal and imo isn't up to standards with the rest of the piece

But overall I really enjoyed reading this, you kept me hooked all the way through nice work

[QUOTE]It's half past 2 but it feels like 3.[/QUOTE]

I really like those (time) parts, great stuff. the bridge is probably my favourite part overall.

[QUOTE]And if I could think of anything to feel I guess I wouldn't be
Useless. Listen. Nothing.[/QUOTE]

the idea here is good... but I don't think 'listen' fits.

It is pretty Smiths-ish in its style as mentioned before, which is always a good, good thing...
I'm not much of a critter, especially when there's nothing much to complain about...
8.75/10