Like Paper in Rain
 

[B]Like Paper In Rain[/B]

i'm holding on
for you to look the other way
and just forget
these things i feel today
How to ask to be

(chorus)
coming out
maybe now
i'll let it take
one more shot
one more chance
to get it right
nothings coming
nothings coming
god save me from,
the world again
god save my soul,
its cold again

my strenght inside
fades Like paper will in rain
is it to late, to see whats written drawn or
how to ask to be

coming out .... (chorus bit)

come now turn your back and leave me (x4)

counting questions in my mind,
how to ask to be denied
my courage lost or locked inside,
my courage lost or locked inside (x6 quietly)

chorus bit

come now turn your back and leave me (this bit is kinda shoty, with 2 vocalists alternating words)

Wrote this for my band, tis about loving somebody and having the courage to tell them, the song is all done now, but wondered what people thought about the lyrics

please crit

oh I really like this, I love the concept of the Title.
The overall message of the song is fantastic.

[I]my strength inside
fades Like paper will in rain
is it to late, to see whats written drawn or
how to ask to be[/I]
I ADORE those lines!!!

Great stuff! :thumb:


:wave: Carina.

wow, great song... the title just caught me, and i was pleasantly surprised to see the rest of the song to be well written too... theres some excess words in there, which might be to make it fit the rhythm you're playing it too... but it might be accidental, but it makes it a little hard to read... loved the part about paper in the rain though... 7.5/10

extra bits?
 

which extra words are you talking about? coz it all seems to fit the rythm, but singing it is quite hard theres some very fast bits

I like it a lot, very good song.

the last two lines of the chorus are confusing and don't fit well. Otherwise its really good.

Very good song. I do have a few suggestions.

[QUOTE]my strenght inside
fades Like paper will in rain
is it to late, to see whats written drawn or
how to ask to be[/QUOTE]

I think that having the "will" in "Like paper will in the rain" is a mistake. It gives much more imagery to the reader if you make a direct metaphor by saying "fades like paper in the rain".

Also, the chorus seems a little too choppy by the way that it was typed. People tend to type the way that it should be sung, and if this is the case here, make sure not to chop it up into 2 or 3 word sentences. Smooth choruses are much more attractive than choppy ones.

Finally, "Come now turn your back and leave me" could get a little old by the fourth time. Make sure to mix up the rhythm or the way it is sung so that the listener is not getting bored.

Great song. 8/10

haha, about the extra words... littlejohn caught it, i was a little... *out of it* this morning... and it caught my attention but i forgot about it... definitely change it to 'like paper in the rain'... and one more thing, you might want to take out the word 'drawn' in "is it to late, to see whats written drawn" but other than that... yeah. clean up the chorus too. just pack each two lines into one. its easier to deal with the rhythm this way... and

crit my song! the rest of forever... its.... different. so crit it.

[QUOTE=nightshade2600]haha, about the extra words... littlejohn caught it, i was a little... *out of it* this morning... and it caught my attention but i forgot about it... definitely change it to 'like paper in the rain'... and one more thing, you might want to take out the word 'drawn' in "is it to late, to see whats written drawn" but other than that... yeah. clean up the chorus too. just pack each two lines into one. its easier to deal with the rhythm this way... and

crit my song! the rest of forever... its.... different. so crit it.[/QUOTE]
I agree that you need to take out drawn...

I was not really sure where you were going with that so I just didn't comment on it in case I would be made fool for not understanding.

nobody makes a fool of people for not understanding... just the people with really blown up egos that think they understand but they dont... not directing this at you in any way, im just saying that you dont have to worry about being ridiculed for not getting something.

Cool...so what the hell was the "written drawn" line about?

i wanted him to take out the word 'drawn' in the line...

is it to late, to see whats written drawn or
how to ask to be

i just felt like it didnt fit with the rhythm...

I mean what does

is it to late, to see whats written drawn or
how to ask to be

mean?

oh, my bad... i think its talking about whats written or drawn on the paper fading in the rain... like his strength... i dont know, i didnt write it... im just referencing the song... and how to ask to be... hmmm. i think its how to talk to this girl about his feelings for her. but hey, what do i know...

excellent song, i like the meaning. the lyrics are fantastic. keep it up.

the line is it to lat
to see whats written drawn or
how to ask to be

its kinda meaning, its hard to find the strenght left beacuse is fading, you cant quite make it out, but if you look close and hard enough its in there somewhere

how to ask to be, is kind of a pre chorus build up, but how to ask the girl out pretty much. Later on the line how to ask to be denied, kinda sums up how he's feeling, the chorus is fairly choppy but its meant to be that way, the "god save me from the world again...." is sung slower with different rythm, the come now turn your back and leave me bit is sung by two singers kinda screaming one word at a time but very fast, we added that bit after i wrote the song just coz it sounds cool so people dont get bored, the last time its sung its built up into a big sceamy type thing, ya have to listen to it, when we record we shall do that song and it will be on my bands website [url]www.therevelationrock.cjb.net[/url]

thanks for critting me guys my bands from the uk

This song rocks!

The whole concept and meaning of the song is fantastic! Don't change a thing! The lyrics really convey the emotion throughout the whole song, its great!

What style is it in?

good, but paper in the rain is from the secret ninja by afi (when they were good)

[QUOTE=lostandalone]This song rocks!

The whole concept and meaning of the song is fantastic! Don't change a thing! The lyrics really convey the emotion throughout the whole song, its great!

What style is it in?[/QUOTE]

its an emo song, but a bit weird take finch and biffy clyro and your almost there with the style

nobody's seen this post for a while so i thought i'd post a new thread and make it nearer the begining
ahahaha

[I]coming out, maybe now, i'll let it take, one more shot, one more chance, to get it right, nothings coming[/I] now, is it just me and my gross head or does that sound like a guy in action with a girl (or another guy,whichever you prefer) and he cant quite get the job finished?
But seriously, i think its a very well written song. Especially the line [I]My strength inside fades like paper in the rain[/I] which seems to be everyones favourite. I love it. I agree with littlejohn when he says [I]"Come now turn your back and leave me"[/I] could get a little boring. And yes, mixing up the rhythm etc could make it better. The same situation could lie with [I]My courage lost or locked inside[/I].
Overall, very well written song, i like.

right the my courage lost or locked inside is song over the top of a realy complex guitar build up type thing, so despite it being the same thing sung over and over again it sounds alright and goes well with the song, the come now turn your back and leave me thing is completely random its a really fast punk rythm where as the rest of the song is quite flowing and easy going, so the time change makes it a bit more interesting if you know what I mean, but laual is right about it getting a bit boring, probably need to do something am bit more interesting with it but what would laula know she's just the guitarist from my band

nice, the title fits perfectly, like all that crap english teachers tell you 2 do so the title catches attention, and the songs great. 9/10-ish

Sounds good, I remember this from back in the day.

I'd like to hear it, do you guys have an .mp3 of it?

[QUOTE=gaslight]Sounds good, I remember this from back in the day.

I'd like to hear it, do you guys have an .mp3 of it?[/QUOTE]
fraid we dont have an mp3 of it just yet
might do by the end of the summer

Well when ever you get that mp3 drop it on me i'd really enjoy hearing it cause this is wonderfully written and FINCH KICKS @$$!!!

oi oi oi thanks for everybdoy's responses to this song i appreciate all of it

mleh

[QUOTE=Wadey]its an emo song, but a bit weird take finch and biffy clyro and your almost there with the style[/QUOTE]

niiiiice me likey :lol: (biffy clyro being one of my favourite bands ever)

we have a cd out now
 

hello all of you from ages ago that posted regarding a few of my songs. my bands got a CD out now, title how many ways can you say.
none of the songs I've written are on here are on there though. but its still nice.

want to hear some of it my msn address is [email]ian_needit@hotmail.com[/email]

i'll send an MP3 of it to you

or check out [url]www.purevolume.com[/url] and search for "all to mindy" if we've been approved then we should be on there. if not then you wont find us.