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View Full Version : "Drowning" Latest work from me, please check out


Zero
08-05-2003, 06:35 PM
Hey again guys, finally a new one for everyone who may have been following my work. Or anyone new to my stuff, enjoy this.

its called "Drowning"

Return to the darkness
Back into the past
Dwelling on memories
How long can they last

Picking my brain
And hurting my heart
Tears like razorblades falling
They tear me apart

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

These secrets i hold
Like a black cloud above me
Showering questions
I'll never be free

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

Theres only so much left
That i can take
Whats left to hold on to
As i sink deeper, and feel myself break

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory


so there ya go. just wrote it today, the ink is still wet. Enjoy everyone

DeathOnBroadway
08-06-2003, 01:22 AM
I thought that was awesome, the only thing I'd change would be taking out the word "and" in between "losing breath and dying quickly." Surprised no one else said anything on this. I absolutely love the first verse. Wonderful song.

Zero
08-06-2003, 09:34 AM
Thanks deathonbroadway, i just put this up yesterday, so im not surprised theres not a lot of feedback yet, but thanks for the comment. check out the rest of my songs

Zero
08-07-2003, 05:45 PM
up

Zero
08-09-2003, 07:55 PM
bump

daniel7540
08-09-2003, 08:45 PM
very very good
your first stanza is great nothin constructive to say at the moment
to much lyquid courige
lol

TrampolineClam46
08-12-2003, 09:50 AM
love it dude....

Return to the darkness
Back into the past
Dwelling on memories
How long can they last

Picking my brain
And hurting my heart
Tears like razorblades falling
They tear me apart

absolutely love that stuff, esp. the tears like razorblades part, youve got awesome imagery.

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

love the chorus....only thing i have to say about it is that when i read it something about the flow w/ the two drownings in a row seemed a little off, but its quite good.

These secrets i hold
Like a black cloud above me
Showering questions
I'll never be free

Theres only so much left
That i can take
Whats left to hold on to
As i sink deeper, and feel myself break

love the imagery and the flow of them both. only thing i would change would be end of the second one, i would cut out some of the words and make it something like "sinking deeper, i feel myself break" but its still really good even if u dont change nething. good show ole chap.

-andrew

Volkert314
08-12-2003, 10:17 AM
Great work dude. Very well written.

Return to the darkness
Back into the past
Dwelling on memories
How long can they last

Picking my brain
And hurting my heart
Tears like razorblades falling
They tear me apart

I like the opening. Great metaphors and the words kick ***.

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

I'm in agriance with TrampolineClam with the whole 2nd drowning. It would work either way, but I just see the 2nd one kinda messing up the flow, unless you have an idea with the music. Other than that the chorus kicks ***.


Hey, continue to write, I look foward to reading more of your stuff.

Zero
08-12-2003, 12:34 PM
Thanks lots, i will probably change the drowning part like your saying, thanks for the comments, i have a few more songs on here so check em out!

Wolfix
08-15-2003, 07:54 PM
hey zero great song.... i personally enjoyed it. Would it be alright with u if i tried to add some guitar too it (im not currently in a band or anything so don't worry about me stealling it. But i wouldn't mind giving it a spin.

But i think that out off all the versus the 1st was the best by far

Hardcore Hero
08-15-2003, 07:58 PM
badass man and i disagree with death on this, you should keep the and in there

Zero
08-17-2003, 08:32 PM
thanks a lot everyone, check out all my other songs too, i would appreciate it, thanks

BrokenExit
08-17-2003, 08:51 PM
awesome song man. very flow-ful piece of music. i enjoyed reading it a lot. its all good... so i can't really point out anything. great song

rock on

jake

atni-flag
08-17-2003, 10:03 PM
very nice song, its the first iv read of ur pieces and am looking forward to reading more

killswitchtony
08-17-2003, 10:27 PM
good song, good structure, the metaphors are amazing......
just wondering what kind of music your putting this too?

Zero
08-18-2003, 06:17 PM
hey thanks guys, i imagine it going to have a heavy sound to it, rock, or metal.. i think rock would serve the song well

Zero
08-27-2003, 06:28 AM
Bump

_rhod
08-27-2003, 06:35 AM
Serve the song well indeed. Awesome song, I wish I could put words together that well with that flow. And what Wolfix said, I think it'd be awesome if people put their own versions to lyrics they liked. I was thinking of doing the same, but I'd be too lazy. :P

Zero
08-27-2003, 06:40 PM
Thanks a lot Rhod, please check out my other songs... and as for wishin you could put words together like this, just keep practicing, i started writing 2 years ago and i sucked, haha. but you do get better, jsut dont quit, keep workin and SAVE ALL OF YOUR WORK! even if its jsut like one stanza or verse, save it, you might regret throwin it away and forgettin it... anyways, thanks a lot!

-Adam

Zero
08-28-2003, 06:10 AM
bump

KKramer04
08-28-2003, 06:15 AM
ur dumb, toughen up nancy boy.

Zero
08-28-2003, 05:43 PM
KKramer04, if you dont have anything constructive to say, then please dont bother even looking at my threads. you are wasting the time of everybody in here trying to share their work and get help to become a better writer... and thats what this forum is for.

Anyways, thanks to everyone else, there is one new song from me posted, so give it a look!
thanks
-Adam

Zero
09-02-2003, 06:32 AM
bump

poprocksNcoke
09-02-2003, 10:06 AM
Not bad at all. Just polish I suppose.......It seems like that's all I ever tell people.....*sigh*

I'm just bitter because you ripped off my title. Meh, it's ok.

*gives hug*

Vote it up. <sly voice>for me</sly voice>
Sabbath vs. poprocksNcoke (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=102684)

Zero
09-03-2003, 06:07 AM
thanks though, haha bump

Zero
09-04-2003, 06:04 AM
please be sure to check out all my songs on here, thanks!

Zero
09-12-2003, 05:13 AM
bump

Zero
10-07-2003, 06:52 PM
Hey guys this is kind of an old thread, but im bringing this one back up for all the people who havent read it. Its one of my favorites, so i hope you enjoyed it. Thanks!
-Adam

Zero
07-23-2005, 12:37 AM
I know this is reallllly old, but im bumping it cause im writing again and wanted you all to see an old one right before i bring up a new one. So please check it out and i will have new material posted soon. Thanks
_Adam