villanelle

[kitsch]

A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up
Twisted around into an awful mess
Knots that grip the heart and beat – thump thump thump

Our dialog had run its course of luck
And the words fell upon the ground to rest
A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up

Our bodies intertwined (bite my tongue rough!)
And the words fell out our mouths like a breath
Knots that grip the heart and beat – thump thump thump

The castles are cooling into a clump
Our tongues play a hollow game of chess
A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up

Now you have left me – miles out of touch
And I wrap my arms around what Gods bless
Knots that grip the heart and beat – thump thump thump

Fermented liquids swirl around a cup
And heat my body like a sweet caress
A spool of yarn, unwound and tangled up
Knots that grip the heart and beat – thump thump thump

[thetaoshum]

This is wonderful. I'm in love with your metaphor.

[catharsis]

Very well executed. Different from your usual, but terrific nevertheless!

[Mikedrummer]

sweet ***, thump thump thump

[Aklerc]

This is great, kitsch. I tried (and failed) trying to write a villanelle the other day. But yeah I really like this. The only thing that jumped out at me that seemed strange was the simile:

And the words fell out our mouths like a breath

Since when you talk, it is breath coming out, if you see what I mean. It's not really a comparison if it is what it is :p

[kitsch]

haha, thanks, i can always count on you to raise some point of contention. its not a bad thing either.

i see what you mean, but i was trying to give emphasize the fragile connotation with breath.

[Pop music sucks]

A departure of your usual form, but still keeps your honesty. Great piece this is.

Of that said simile, I sort of imagined it to be how when one sighs in winter. The breath seems to fall because half of the exhalation exits through the nose and causes the air coming out of the mouth to be pushed downwards.

[catharsis]

The density of words and breath are not the same.

[kitsch]

yea i know, but it still works alright.

thanks guys, ive been experimenting with different forms
im putting a sonnet up soon.

[Pop music sucks]

To further expound: The feeling of too many words being said. There can be things that shouldn't, or should, be said. Mistakes happen when people are caught in the moment to speak what is in their mind. That sense if imagined jumbled mess of words are visualized by the sight of your exhalation in winter.

Or something of the sort:)

[kitsch]

you can always explain what my poems mean better than i can :)

[Pop music sucks]

Mostly because I can empathize and visualize these situations. This also reminded me of something that had occured to me, what with the sensation of saying too much and realizing only after saying it. It was my first piece which had started me to begin writing poetry. Looking now, Five Words leaves a bittersweet taste.

[Urethra Franklin]

I really love the imagery in this. It's so easy to see the yarn unraveled in a pile and then also knotted around a heart, constricting it. The metaphor is also superb.

[flaviapetite]

Very nice ))