Response to Carpe Diem

[kitsch]

Asleep
Under the tree
Head resting against
The trunk of the old, smoothed beech
Weathered names of lovers etched in the bark
Echoes heard by no one

Oh, what is a day
But a moment seized
And then trickled and sifted thru
Loose, absent minded fingers?
Oh, what is a kiss
But a second of fleeting bliss?
A chemical reaction
As useless as the growing enamel
On my toenails
A survival instinct
Convoluted with emotion
I cannot carve the name,
For I do not know it

When I awake,
I shall walk to the stream
And pan for gold
If I find nothing,
It matters not.
My thoughts splayed out
Unaimed, indiscriminate zaps of electricity
Between synapses
My body is a kingdom
And I wish to overthrow it
And live as the wolf,
The goose, the insect
Living second by second
Unconscious of the fact
That expectations met,
Dreams attained,
Love fallen into
Leads not to contentment
But to an empty,
Grinding stomach
The next day

When I spoke
My tongue tasted
Words of joy
Words of sorrow
Words of bland truth
And always desired more
The greed of life
Flows and foams
Like the froth of the tide
Abetted, appeased
Still ever present
Churning
Churning
Churning
Forth another day

[Mikedrummer]

pretty sweet *** dude

[kitsch]

ive been very frustrated with everything lately, including writing.

my first cohesive piece in a while, and its a little scatterbrained

[Mikedrummer]

yeah to me it seems sort of like you drew inspiration from a lack of inspiration maybe? it's like hard to pick out exactly why I liked it for some reason, but my favourite bit was

Oh, what is a kiss
But a second of fleeting bliss?
A chemical reaction
As useless as the growing enamel
On my toenails
A survival instinct
Convoluted with emotion
I cannot carve the name,
For I do not know it

not necessarily because it was the best part, but because it relates to my attitude of late about how sort of meaningless stuff is outside of the weight you give it in your head.

[14CAPITALLETTERS]

yeah that part is pretty great

the kiss/bliss is one of those lucky rhymes that joins two words with colossal connotations

and its juxtaposition to subsequent lines, which are a huge down, kind of makes it shine even more

[kitsch]

yeah i havent had much inspiration for anything lately, im just kind of there, blank
glad you liked it, ive gotten to where i really like this one.


&thanks spoonful

[Littlejohn]

The greed of life
Flows and foams
That line is so beautiful in and out of context.

Churning
Churning
Churning
Forth another day
Assuming the play on words is intentional, you have just made my day.




All this will just be opinionated knit-picking:

Unconscious of the fact
That expectations met,
Dreams attained,
Love fallen into
Leads not to contentment
But to an empty,
Grinding stomach
The next day
It seems like this could hit harder at the end of the stanza. The driving flow of the first few lines falls into a weaker resolution. Melodrama seems more appropriate.

I have spoke
And my tongue tasted
"When I spoke, my tongue tasted" sounds more powerful and would match the preceding stanza's opening lines.

Also, a few lines down "desire" should be "desired."



Overall, this piece is beautifully written. I hope to read a lot more from you.

9/10

[kitsch]

t seems like this could hit harder at the end of the stanza. The driving flow of the first few lines falls into a weaker resolution. Melodrama seems more appropriate.
isnt it at the end of the stanza??

thx for the typo catch, glad you liked it.

im a pretty regular poster here so im sure you will.

[Pop music sucks]

Elegantly reckless, as frustration through banality causes. Wonderful piece!

[kitsch]

my english teacher said that she doesnt like it that the speaker is asleep in the poem.

says that might hinder some of the points/observations made

thoughts?

i think that its kinda fitting as im not seizing the day.

[kitsch]

btw thx pop

[RichRman]

I think the sort of mellow vibe your teacher is picking up on, kind of adds to the passive, pensive outlook of the poem.

I like how, as someone said before, you separated the emotion from emotional things like kisses.

Though one thing that bugged me even though its pretty inconsequential. A toenail isn't composed of enamel but rather keratin. :D

I'd give this 7/10, some good thoughts and expression but not life changing (for me).

[Pop music sucks]

I think that the fact that observer is choosing not to be awake to witness these things shows the reader what the person is missing, even if the speaker chooses not to acknowledge it enthusiastically; it adds to the piece in afterthought.