What Do I Do...

[CoOpCity]

m not happy yea tell me something i dont know
i wonder why people leave me is there something i owe
why do they always screw up and decide to go
i dont understand how ppl can be low and then be lower than low
im fed up with the bullshit so stop feeding me lies
i hate how they were once good now they treating me like bad guys
i didnt do nothin i thought it was treat others how you wanted to be treated
but instead they turned there back on me now im feeling defeated
im done with the typical girl and the typical dude that act a friend
even the best actors realize their movies gotta end...

[Iron_Weed]

m not happy yea tell me something i dont know
i wonder why people leave me is there something i owe
why do they always screw up and decide to go
i dont understand how ppl can be low and then be lower than low
im fed up with the bullpoop so stop feeding me lies
i hate how they were once good now they treating me like bad guys
i didnt do nothin i thought it was treat others how you wanted to be treated
but instead they turned there back on me now im feeling defeated
im done with the typical girl and the typical dude that act a friend
even the best actors realize their movies gotta end...


Firstly, don't abbreviate your lyrics and don't lowercase "I"s. It automatically gives your critic the assumption you're stupid. Which is all well and good when you aren't, and are just creating that effect for a purpose. But when you are, in fact, kind of dumb and an amature lyricist you could do worse than writing correctly. What's more it throws off pretty much any reader from going past the first couple of sentances.
Secondly, no one knows what you're talking about but you. Unless you have interesting imagery or an underlying emotion/motive within the piece (which you don't) it becomes completely ineffectual minus context.

Work on that. Listen closer to the lyricists you enjoy and see if you can gain anything from that. Read poetry, devote time to undisrupted thinking.

Good luck with your future pursuits.



If you found this critique at all helpfull, why not critique my newest song Turning Right? It can be found on the first page of S&L.

[CoOpCity]

i didnt abbreviate, secondly are the I's throwin everyone off or just you, third does it make all my critics think I'm stupid or just you, you like to throw the words "dumb" and "stupid" around I know alot people those who in fact have read my lyrics and they usually don't think Im dumb and because there ar lowercase "i's" they don't think im stupid, usually when Im writing i don't sit back and feel the need to put my best English critique on it, also people acn many times feel with a situation a majority of music i listen to I dont know what they are talking about cause i wasn't there but most of the time i can feel for them, critique people on how they write and not on how they don't write similar to you, this isn't poetry it is hip hop lyricism.

[Iron_Weed]

Okay, well, you did abbreviate. I.e "People" becoming "ppl". Are the "I"s just throwing me off? Well perhaps, but I'm critiquing your work personally. My opinion is all I have in the end. I admit I shouldn't have called you dumb, I got carried away. It's not constructive at all to insult the lyricist personally.

But my God, do you ever seem dumb in your response. Again, it might only be my opinion, but writing the way you do just gave me a huge desire to switch off the moment I started to read your response. Really, you couldn't have put just one fullstop there? When you write like that it just becomes plain hard to read, and gives the reader the assumption you don't care enough about what you are writing to bother to make it legible.
I gave you an honest and thought out critique. I said exactly what I got from your work and what I thought would help it. It is the first sign of the idiot to attack anyone who criticizes in any way.
"This isn't poetry, this is hip hop lyricism". So what? Hip hop is exempt from personal standards of good and bad? It can not be criticized?
Then why the hell did you post it here in the first place?
That is a horrible cop out for horrible lyrics.

[cyanidebreathmint01]

Whoa nelly... remember to dot yer i's an cross yer t's here in this thread.

First of all a question... is this the whole track... or do you just have a verse on it? Because if it is the whole track its gonna need to be a lot longer. Hip-hop has the unfortunate effect of being really weird to read but these could be cool depending on your flow and the dopeness of the beats. My only piece of advice: don't write lyrics until you have some beats to flow over. When the time to rhyme arrives they will sound forced and whatever style you have will be bunk. Just relax ps is your av the Knux?

[CoOpCity]

It's not the whole track it's a snippet, it is kind of hard to really say what beat i would do ever this considering I would flow differently than anyone else. Nah my av is Gangstarr, Dj Premier MC Guru.

Iron_Weed how many times can you throw your ever present "dumb" response in? Attacking who is criticizing you? It's great when you criticize my work, but to say that I make myself look dumb for not capitalzing my i's I'll stick to college classes for that. Like i said it wasn't YOUR poetry you write, it's hip-hop. Judge it off a hip-hop standard and not YOUR poetry standard. I apologize should i state next time that it's hip-hop? I fully understand and like the "you learn more from a critique than a compliment" line, but when you throw idiotic phrases in saying I make myself look "dumb" or "stupid" that is really stupid. Especially with small things such as yer capitalize "i" thing. I have had over let's say 300 people read my lyrics and not one person talked about the i's, maybe they are all dumb and stupid but i may be wrong. Is there also no such thing as cross criticism? Do you expect people to gain something from every criticism? I sure don't and why is it wrong for me to cross criticize what you had told me? Yeah I have repeated my previous post a lot but in light to what point it makes. Third party your critiques, leave personal if I'm working with you or for you.

[kitsch]

dude,
just capatalize your "i"s
youre making hip hop look stupid

[Naked]

You're both overreacting.
I'm just going to say this, CoOp. Maybe that extra slip second it takes to hold down the shift key will give you some time to rethink lines such as:
i hate how they were once good now they treating me like bad guys
I cringed at that one.