Castaway Tears

[joe_04_04]

4 whole years until I fail
my dreams are swept beneath the sail
of a boat bound for a magnificent storm

3 more years, time doesn't care
who would've thought Death would ask to share
admission into these rusted over gates

2 mere years, the sun is fornever
why do we wait for the body to sever
the soul from existence, I want nothing

1 more year, winter - stop four
my body shakes upon a sandless shore
whose waters remain frozen, not like time

1 final second, why can't I stay?
I've waited 4 years and have wanted to say
that I......

[perry589]

Overall, i liked this. Liked the last stanza/ending. The rhyming in the first two lines of all the stanzas seem forced though, which lets the piece down slightly. However, the last line of each stanza is pretty good and the story is great.

[lindy]

Agree with perry, the first two stanzas do seemed forced, and the last lines in each don't flow well, I would suggest taking the 'over' out of 'these rusted over gates', but overall very nice work! I enjoyed reading it and the ending is clever.