I Wanna do Standup

[Mikedrummer]

Basically i've never done it before, and i've just been writing down a bunch of lines. Obviously i'll need to practise delivery, timing, stage presence, etc, but the foundations are in the jokes themselves, I figure. So if you can be assed please crit the overall funniness of this little mini routine :chug:

"So I don't know why people have an issue with ****ing disabled chicks, I

saw one outside the cinema the other day and thought 'damn, give her a

little eyeliner and a pair of arms and i'd let her jerk me off like she

was making butter'".

"I often wonder if Hitler had been a woman.. Would the dead people graph

have had a sort of upsurge on a select few days each month?"

"I don't want to go into detail about my ex girlfriend's vagina, but

let's just say i'm never eating salmon again"

"Has anybody else ever got in the shower after their mum, lifted the

soap, started rubbing themselves and thought '.. you know, women probably

wash their vaginas in the shower'?"

"I remember my biggest achievement with turning 18 was the ability to

masturbate over Jennifer Aniston and not feel like I was accusing her of

statutory rape".

"I always worry that when i've ****ed 12 chicks i'll have to have a

threesome so I don't land on 13 and never **** again. Or I could **** a

midget and be on the half numbers and avoid that **** for the rest of my

life.. Problem is there aren't any midgets in this city, unless you count

THAT GUYS MOTHER (point to some random guy in the audience)" - this one

would need good delivery lol

"So what's the deal with airline food?"

"There are so many touchy subjects to talk about.. politics is a touchy

subject, religion is a very touchy subject, especially when priests and

kids are involved.."

[kitsch]

Basically i've never done it before, and i've just been writing down a bunch of lines. Obviously i'll need to practise delivery, timing, stage presence, etc, but the foundations are in the jokes themselves, I figure. So if you can be assed please crit the overall funniness of this little mini routine :chug:

"So I don't know why people have an issue with ****ing disabled chicks, I

saw one outside the cinema the other day and thought 'damn, give her a

little eyeliner and a pair of arms and i'd let her jerk me off like she

was making butter'".
eww... swearing in the first line and a retard joke? youre not easing the audience in very well man. what does making butter have to do with being a retard? or are you just throwing that phrase in there for no reason?

"I often wonder if Hitler had been a woman.. Would the dead people graph

have had a sort of upsurge on a select few days each month?"
this one would be funny if you said something other than "dead people graph"

"I don't want to go into detail about my ex girlfriend's omnibus, but

let's just say i'm never eating salmon again"
okay the main problem with this one, and with all of these, is that there is no set up to the joke. it seems disjointed, i wouldnt just jump from punch line to punchline but make it flow. i think more girlfriend joke should preceed this one

"Has anybody else ever got in the shower after their mum, lifted the

soap, started rubbing themselves and thought '.. you know, women probably

wash their omnibuss in the shower'?"
not really that funny

"I remember my biggest achievement with turning 18 was the ability to

masturbate over Jennifer Aniston and not feel like I was accusing her of

statutory rape".
ehh, i guess i just dont like my humor this blue

"I always worry that when i've ****ed 12 chicks i'll have to have a

threesome so I don't land on 13 and never **** again. Or I could **** a

midget and be on the half numbers and avoid that **** for the rest of my

life.. Problem is there aren't any midgets in this city, unless you count

THAT GUYS MOTHER (point to some random guy in the audience)" - this one

would need good delivery lol
just no....

"So what's the deal with airline food?"
tounge in cheek in foot in mouth. i like it. you should break the ice with this.

"There are so many touchy subjects to talk about.. politics is a touchy

subject, religion is a very touchy subject, especially when priests and

kids are involved.."

this one is really good. i actually chuckled.


overall, this is kinda meh, you need to integrate the jokes into a natural sounding monologue.

i like your poetry/songs a lot better, haha.

[Huxton]

move the muscles in yr legs then

[808]

So this is pretty much "homelessness Pt. II," yeah?

[Knifeboy]

if you went up on stage and told those jokes, you'd bomb so bad

[kitsch]

So this is pretty much "homelessness Pt. II," yeah?

cept hes never done stand up before

[Mister_Che]

Your jokes are terrible, but that's ok because even Dane Cook has fans.

Ask Tillius for advice. If I remember right he recently had a stand up gig.

[iarescientists]

you are just offensive in so many ways

[fingers mccoy]

ok so in the first joke you are saying people have a problem with ****ing disabled chicks, which they dont, then you are saying they shouldnt because you would want one of them to manually stimulate you if she weren't disabled. That's not even a joke, that's just you stating an issue that no one has, twice.

Then you pull out a generic misogyny gag, and considering sexism is one of the least hip things at the moment that's a very stupid decision

Then you comment on how an unwashed vagina tastes a little bit like salmon - again, this isn't actually a joke. plus it doesn't make sense, you've made no argument for never wanting to eat it again, is it cause you're disgusted, what? again, playing misogyny for laughs. you will bomb.

you imply that you live with your mum but you dont play it for laughs, which will just make you look like a child.

jennifer aniston joke has more general misogynist undertones, accusing the woman of eliciting lust in a negative way, still woefully uncool and offensive

being superstitious about getting laid makes you look paranoid and bitter about the prospect of not getting laid, which will tie nicely in with the childish misogyny thing you have going and everyone will hate you. the midget joke will look like a cheap last ditch attempt to turn this bit into a facile freak gag, it wont work, and you'll get heckled by whoever you point at. Plus it betrays a lack of knowledge of basic genetics.

seinfeld joke is fine whatever, these themselves are overdone however

very last joke is plain poor, but at least it is concretely a joke. It just happens to be cheap and stale.

all your ideas are terrible and will make you look incredibly stupid and ugly.

[GorgeousGabe]

Yeah basically you're not that funny

[Already_Taken]

i laughed at all of them

[Huxton]

i laughed at all of them

conclusive proof that they werent funny

[Knifeboy]

i laughed at all of them

Yeah now that I think about it, all those jokes were amazing. You should go perform at a local club as quick as possible

[Correction]

id pay for ur standup

[eliminaturd]

here are some more awesome joke topics

EASTER EGGS WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS??
WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT
YOU AND YOUR BROS
HALLMARK CARDS
WHEN I WAS A KID
RACIAL STEREOTYPES
MICHAEL JACKSON

[Mr. Ron]

lol

[Already_Taken]

stand up is all about delivery. posting your jokes on here won't do anything but hurt your spirits because every person on this board hates the world that rejected them and left them to search for friendship on the internet.

[Mikedrummer]

ok so in the first joke you are saying people have a problem with ****ing disabled chicks, which they dont, then you are saying they shouldnt because you would want one of them to manually stimulate you if she weren't disabled. That's not even a joke, that's just you stating an issue that no one has, twice.

Then you pull out a generic misogyny gag, and considering sexism is one of the least hip things at the moment that's a very stupid decision

Then you comment on how an unwashed omnibus tastes a little bit like salmon - again, this isn't actually a joke. plus it doesn't make sense, you've made no argument for never wanting to eat it again, is it cause you're disgusted, what? again, playing misogyny for laughs. you will bomb.

you imply that you live with your mum but you dont play it for laughs, which will just make you look like a child.

jennifer aniston joke has more general misogynist undertones, accusing the woman of eliciting lust in a negative way, still woefully uncool and offensive

being superstitious about getting laid makes you look paranoid and bitter about the prospect of not getting laid, which will tie nicely in with the childish misogyny thing you have going and everyone will hate you. the midget joke will look like a cheap last ditch attempt to turn this bit into a facile freak gag, it wont work, and you'll get heckled by whoever you point at. Plus it betrays a lack of knowledge of basic genetics.

seinfeld joke is fine whatever, these themselves are overdone however

very last joke is plain poor, but at least it is concretely a joke. It just happens to be cheap and stale.

all your ideas are terrible and will make you look incredibly stupid and ugly.

I phrased the shower one wrong, I should have said "back when you were a kid does anybody remember getting in the shower..." etc. The punchline on the disabled one is the "give her some eyeliner and a pair of arms and i'd let her jerk me off"... that is a joke, whether you find it funny or not... I agree about the 13 chicks and the midget one sucking.

I don't mind if people find this unfunny, although I don't buy the comments about people hating me because it's so offensive, Jim Jeffries makes jokes about cancer and says he wants to punch women in the street and he's got fans all over the place. And as a side note, I have never found Jennifer Aniston overly attractive. She's just a well known name I used.

[McP3000]

here are some more awesome joke topics

EASTER EGGS WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS??
WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT
YOU AND YOUR BROS
HALLMARK CARDS
WHEN I WAS A KID
RACIAL STEREOTYPES
MICHAEL JACKSON
hotpockets
http://www.marketingshift.com/resources/jim-gaffigan.jpg

[fingers mccoy]

The punchline on the disabled one is the "give her some eyeliner and a pair of arms and i'd let her jerk me off"... that is a joke, whether you find it funny or not... .

I get that it's meant to be a punchline, but it doesn't work, you don't resolve any issue of expectation you just say 'i'd **** a disabled person if they weren't disabled' which makes no sense

[Pastorius]

dude those jokes really suck

like seriously, you will bomb if you do those live, no amount of good delivery will make up for the bad jokes

[fingers mccoy]

yah srsly dude

at least give up trying to make jokes about how disgusted you are by the female anatomy it pisses me off so much it's like changing room banter in a boy's school

[semi]

this reminded of me jordan's airlinefood.mp3
grrr airline food

[Pastorius]

and the era of straight up joke telling is pretty much over, people demand a more sophisticated method of conversational style, with jokes subtly moulded into a script, if you will

[Knifeboy]

stand up is all about delivery. posting your jokes on here won't do anything but hurt your spirits because every person on this board hates the world that rejected them and left them to search for friendship on the internet.

I wouldn't have any trouble telling anyone on here that their jokes were good, or decent. But these jokes suck, they're not really clever, and no amount of genius delivery can save them

(ok, that last bit is wrong, genius delivery can save anything, but this guy obviously isn't a genius)

[Correction]

these jokes r so offensive idk

[(*The Noonward Race*)]

Basically i've never done it before, and i've just been writing down a bunch of lines. Obviously i'll need to practise delivery, timing, stage presence, etc, but the foundations are in the jokes themselves, I figure. So if you can be assed please crit the overall funniness of this little mini routine :chug:

"So I don't know why people have an issue with ****ing disabled chicks, I

saw one outside the cinema the other day and thought 'damn, give her a

little eyeliner and a pair of arms and i'd let her jerk me off like she

was making butter'".

"I often wonder if Hitler had been a woman.. Would the dead people graph

have had a sort of upsurge on a select few days each month?"

"I don't want to go into detail about my ex girlfriend's omnibus, but

let's just say i'm never eating salmon again"

"Has anybody else ever got in the shower after their mum, lifted the

soap, started rubbing themselves and thought '.. you know, women probably

wash their omnibuss in the shower'?"

"I remember my biggest achievement with turning 18 was the ability to

masturbate over Jennifer Aniston and not feel like I was accusing her of

statutory rape".

"I always worry that when i've ****ed 12 chicks i'll have to have a

threesome so I don't land on 13 and never **** again. Or I could **** a

midget and be on the half numbers and avoid that **** for the rest of my

life.. Problem is there aren't any midgets in this city, unless you count

THAT GUYS MOTHER (point to some random guy in the audience)" - this one

would need good delivery lol

"So what's the deal with airline food?"

"There are so many touchy subjects to talk about.. politics is a touchy

subject, religion is a very touchy subject, especially when priests and

kids are involved.."errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrr

[Correction]

I always worry that when i've ****ed 12 chicks i'll have to have a threesome so I don't land on 13 and never **** again. Or I could **** a midget and be on the half numbers and avoid that **** for the rest of my life.. Problem is there aren't any midgets in this city, unless you count THAT GUYS MOTHER (point to some random guy in the audience)"

this one is such a winner

[(*The Noonward Race*)]

thats not really funny reminds me of the jokes i wrote when i was 13 and wanted to be a standup

[horseypie]

"Has anybody else ever got in the shower after their mum, lifted the

soap, started rubbing themselves and thought '.. you know, women probably

wash their omnibuss in the shower'?"


i think this too, but its not funny. i cant wash with anyone elses soap

[(*The Noonward Race*)]

i had a joke once about about how shampoo like ur putting jizz in ur hair, and slightly uncofortable cause u proly just jerked in the shower cuase that happened to me

[Mikedrummer]

I don't wanna do Standup anymore

[semi]

(*The Noonward Race*) are you really mitch hedberg?
what ever happened to your avatar

[Huxton]

who washes with a bar of soap in the shower do you live in a box

[Pastorius]

Internet 1 - 0 Hope