PDA

View Full Version : Somewhere we wont follow

Mikedrummer
12-09-2008, 05:12 PM
Hey all. Please critique this song I wrote

gay
Mikedrummer
12-13-2008, 01:15 PM
crit?
huxtaposition
12-13-2008, 08:18 PM
It didn't really pull anything out of me. For the death of someone close none of the words really brought out any emotion and seemed more on the topic of death in general and nothing about the relationship you had.

And using the words traffic jam I felt hurt the chances of conveying the mood you were going for. I understand the metaphor but I'd shoot for something else maybe a little more natural considering the topic.

Yeah I dunno, just not for me.
catharsis
12-13-2008, 10:02 PM
Hux pretty much summated what I though.

It just doesn't work considering the subject matter.

"the cold room contained an empty vessell
burn it to the ground, burn it to the ground
identified, done, the end is now
so i wait by the side"

I liked this the best. I might build it more thematically and literally around this stanza.