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kitsch
12-07-2008, 03:22 PM
this needs a better ending
---------------------------------
They were always
wheeling him around
in that chair.
The old dark green
wheelchair.
His head was usually
slumped over to one side
and little bits of drool
sometimes dribbled
over the crest
of his protruding
lower lip.
He always had
the same nurse pushing
him around.
She had the perfect height
5'4"
smooth black hair
and red lipstick.
She looked like
one of those
busty pin-up nurses,
like the ones in
bad reality porn.
Her breasts were
almost popping out
as she found almost
any excuse to bend down
in front of him,
or to brush them across
his shoulders.
She stopped by one of
the flower beds
bent over
and picked a white flower.
He seemed distintrested
when she handed it to him,
but he held it anway.

Soon the nurse took him
over to the courtyard
where a lot of little kids
read to the old people
very slowly
with lots of stuttering.
He didn't have anyone
to read to him.
I was supposed to be doing
community service,
tending to their flower beds,
but I went over to
talk to this guy instead.
I'm not sure why,
maybe pity.
But I doubt it.

I sat down next to him
and he just stared at me.
After a few seconds I said

"Uhh.. what's up?"

He just snickered to himself.

"I betcho feel sorry for me doncha?"

"Not really, more like morbid fascination."

"Good."

He fell silent.
He stared at me
in a weird penetrating
way.
I didn't like the guy.

"So, does all that show the nurse treats you to make you feel any younger?"

"She gives me a sponge bath every day, and it doesn't even twitch.
But thats not the sad part.
I always knew I would outlive my ****
I never thought that I would outlive my life."

I looked at him and understood.

lwatkins
12-08-2008, 04:51 PM
thats ****ing brilliant!

i love the sadness conveyed in the first part; and then you get a real sense of sentimentality and a strange wisdom towards the end

i really like it - again unpolished

5 starts for excellence

EDIT: i agree a slightly stronger ending is needed, but, hey ho, i dont know what to suggest

kitsch
12-08-2008, 04:58 PM
thanks

EDIT: goddam swear filters
i fixed my poem now

kitsch
12-08-2008, 05:04 PM
i took out the last line
i like it better now

TKF
12-08-2008, 05:50 PM
Ha, this is awful, the " I never thought I'd outlive my life," line was really good though, even though I'm not completely sure that it was intentionally good.

kitsch
12-08-2008, 07:38 PM
awful?

Pop music sucks
05-24-2009, 10:59 PM
I realize this piece is almost 6 months old, but this short story piece is still exceptional.

Awful as in a good way. Awful as in it's something that is seen as taboo, risqué, and of those things, sexual in nature, as most taboo things are. The sort of denial in our younger years that something like that will happen.

Although maybe it's my rhyme crime. But when someone says something verbally, in casual effect, it's always remembered far easier when it rhymes, even accidentally.

"I always knew I'd outlive my drive
I never thought I'd outlive my life"

but again that's personal preference:p