View Full Version : Challenge 140: Voting
12-07-2008, 10:43 AM
there you go:)
12-07-2008, 04:16 PM
there are some pretty bad lines here 'Every tick/every tock/of the clock is clunky and mega awkward. You're resigned to focus around the challenge word which is fair enough and there's some material to work with just not the experience in the execution. Don't need to resort to forced rhyming either.
There's some killer lines in isolation ('Magnetic love affairs') but a lack of cohesion and it's ultimately a little too abstract because of not enough of linking ideas. But regardless, it was an interesting read and definitely not dull.
'I feel the wind pick up speed
But (it) silently pass(es) over me.'
Straighforward and there's enough room to explore and perhaps characterise the female character a bit more, esp in relation to the narrator. It feels like it could be an epic poem with the inclusion of the powerful earthly symbology of mountains and wind, and journeying
I love the interplay between the two characters as they dance; wonderfully evoked.
The structure works well with the disjointed throbbing of the head and the heart. Fantastic.
crits coming shortly.
12-07-2008, 09:52 PM
lwatkins / Pretty straightforward, nice work-arounds here and there, and decent use of breaklines to give different meanings to the piece here and there. As it was pointed out some grammar issues here and there, but the idea is pretty central and straightforward. 5
tojesdolan / ANAL
runamokrampant / Excelent idea, great execution. Straightforward but not cheesy and sharp. I miss being sharp. :( 1
surtr / Very linear, maybe some more later 4
atc / 2
kitsch / 3
lwatkins-This is a fairly obvious interpretation of the challenge word. Grammar and spelling issues make it difficult to take seriously, which is important especially considering how simple you're trying to keep it. Sag, fag is a miserable rhyme. I'm torn on the amour use. Sunday smiles is a good phrase but it muddles the meaning. Was the beginning also loveless with smiles only on Sunday or were the Sunday smiles the mid-period in which case you'll have to go back even further to make the song's case. 5
tojes-This is funny in parts, nonsensical in others. You've got "she", "we" and "they". If I had to impose meaning on this, I'd have to reach to make the case that its about a woman breaking down because society (we) have accepted some love affair that burned her. Does the surrealism work towards that or is there even a point to this? The living tomato on the bedroom floor is brilliant and startling. You got some good ones. The last line is just confusing though, provides no closure/does not help to decipher. There's some heavy emo running through this eh? 3
RAR-As a rumination, its quite strong. I like the way it shifts the author
from a being of agency to mere "afterbirth," relevant only till launch. Some
great phrases and the play on the notion of God as creation, as the first
afterbirth and such. The movement is solid. I'm unsure about "surfed" and
"frustrates the imagination from slumber." I'm also unsure how you'd sing this
given that you're operating with full sentences and uncertain meter. I like it though. 2
Surtr-I'm quite pleased with the final third of this and what it's doing.
The first section was rather bland and artless. Why her, why now etc wasn't
working for me. Not sure you should ever end a paragraph/stanza/anything with suddenly... Ever played that game Shadow of the colossus? I was reminded of that in the third stanza. I'm not going to question why she was on the top of the mountain to begin with or anything. Uneven but I like it. 4
atc-all the children
kitsch-I enjoyed this. The repetition of "pounding" punctuated this nicely,
giving it rhythm. It's urgent and inscrutable. I like. 1
12-14-2008, 07:13 AM
12-14-2008, 04:46 PM
^ You have number them in order from first to last.
12-18-2008, 10:48 PM
12-31-2008, 09:16 AM
12-31-2008, 07:38 PM
lwatkins - 5 5 5 - 5/3
tojesdolan -4 3 5 - 7/3
runamokrampant - 3 3 4 - 6/3
surtr - 1 2 1 - 2/3
atc - 2 2 3 - 4/3
kitsch - DQ WHERE IS YOUR POST MAN WTF
surtr wins MAKE A THREAD ABOUT IT
12-31-2008, 08:51 PM
umm, i calc differently
lwatkins 5 5 -
tojesdolan 4 3 -
rar 1 1 -
atc 2 2
01-01-2009, 10:45 PM
wtf sorry right YOU WIN
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