PDA

View Full Version : breaking laws in other countries


PECOAE
11-29-2008, 01:17 AM
i stole a statue of the virgin mary
in a little town in england so i'd find my voice.
cutting out the middle man i spoke right up to god i said,
"vishnu darling won't you give me this choice"
"oh honey i wish i could but you know i got a quota,
this many people have to find out for themselves."
i said "oh dear i understand well don't become a stranger then
i'd really like to keep in touch for sometime else."

itsy bitsy spider walking up the door nail
what do you charge to make the flies safe
make up a city in the deep blue sky, where
i can fly right up to when i soon die.
people like to crash and burn in cars
i like laughing at the very big stars
burning balls of gas and orange blue flames
like the time i burned the city in one day

the next time i saw him, God was talking up my mother,
trying to get a bit of meaning into his life.
recognizing him i shouted "vishnu what is up with you"
he pretended not to know me and he looked away
i asked "what's wrong with you? i just really want to thank you",
but when he turned around his face was covered with tears.
it seemed our little conversation had made him start to question
all his judgements and give into his fears.


-----

i can't believe i'm doing this again. i haven't posted a song in years for this forum thing

bard2dbone
11-29-2008, 08:31 AM
i stole a statue of the virgin mary
in a little town in england so i'd find my voice.
cutting out the middle man i spoke right up to god i said,
"vishnu darling won't you give me this choice"
"oh honey i wish i could but you know i got a quota,
this many people have to find out for themselves."
i said "oh dear i understand well don't become a stranger then
i'd really like to keep in touch for sometime else."

itsy bitsy spider walking up the door nail
what do you charge to make the flies safe
make up a city in the deep blue sky, where
i can fly right up to when i soon die.
people like to crash and burn in cars
i like laughing at the very big stars
burning balls of gas and orange blue flames
like the time i burned the city in one day

the next time i saw him, God was talking up my mother,
trying to get a bit of meaning into his life.
recognizing him i shouted "vishnu what is up with you"
he pretended not to know me and he looked away
i asked "what's wrong with you? i just really want to thank you",
but when he turned around his face was covered with tears.
it seemed our little conversation had made him start to question
all his judgements and give into his fears.


-----

i can't believe i'm doing this again. i haven't posted a song in years for this forum thing

I like it. It's a little odd with using a statue of Mary to talk to Vishnu. I get that you seem to be saying all gods are God. And I strangely dig the verse where God pretends not to know you for a momment. That's strangely heavy.

The second part, which I'm assuming is a bridge was less good for the most part, but I totally dug the last three lines.

Go back and finish this. I want to hear the final version.

Please crit Barefoot Cinderella for me.

Aklerc
11-30-2008, 06:48 PM
I actually really like this. It's quirky and has some really good imagery in it. I'm a fan of the rhyme scheme too and think it flows nicely.

people like to crash and burn in cars
i like laughing at the very big stars
burning balls of gas and orange blue flames
like the time i burned the city in one day

The enjambement works well here. "i like laughing at the very big stars" is quite cute and childlike in contrast to "burning balls of gas and orange blue flames." Let's assume it's an intentional sort of antithesis?

Good piece.

kitsch
12-01-2008, 08:37 PM
i like the first and third stanzas the best
they flow well and the rhyme isnt forced

the second one is a bit choppy and confusing.
but for the most part, it was pretty badass

PECOAE
10-06-2009, 05:37 PM
damn, i just realized i posted this a while back. thanks for the crits everybody. the second part is kinda rapped. in 7/4, if that means anything to anybody.

witchxrapist
10-06-2009, 07:01 PM
I definitely like this, but it took more than one read to even remotely figure out lol.

rasputin
10-07-2009, 04:14 AM
this is fantastic