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aresx
11-27-2008, 03:41 AM
The sun goes down
The time to play
Is over
But there is always
Tomorrow

Walking all alone
Shimmering water
reflecting in your eyes
Shimmering life
Shimmering stars
Shimmering you

Watching the sky
Slowly pass by
Breathing in
Air

The sun rises
Again
Play time
In the sun
-----------------
I can't remember if i posted this
but yeah
RunAmokRampant
11-27-2008, 05:46 AM
Simple and effective for the most part if accompanied by music.
The second stanza, the shimmering stanza, needs to be rephrased. The repetition is grating, maybe play around with it a bit more. You've got the framework of the narrative down fine but the middle bit feels a bit fleshless. The image of shimmering works really well, however, and I think if you explore that particular image more, this has the potential to be a decent lyric with or without accompanying music.
aresx
11-30-2008, 03:32 AM
The sun goes down
The time to play
Is over
But there is always
Tomorrow

Walking all alone
Shimmering water
reflecting in your eyes
Staring into
Shimmering lights

Watching the sky
Slowly pass by
Breathing in
Air

The sun rises
Again
Play time
In the sun
---------------
Does this sound any better? XD
kitsch
11-30-2008, 11:57 AM
yeah the second one is definetly better.

this could be cool lyrics for a shoegaze kinda song
UncleSombrero
11-30-2008, 12:21 PM
^
Most certainly!

I like it, it causes nostalgia.
aresx
12-06-2008, 03:21 PM
shoegaze? i'm afraid i've never heard of it. Lol
what kind of music is it?
RunAmokRampant
12-07-2008, 05:07 AM
Lots of effects. Post-rocky kind of stuff. Originated in Britain in the 80's I think but don't quote me on that.
TojesDolan
12-07-2008, 11:47 AM
not too fond of the way it's written, but I do enjoy the theme and how "most" of it is constructed. It'd work musically, the repetition with the "shimmering" is interesting... and now that I think about it it'd bea nice song

cheers
aresx
12-09-2008, 12:48 AM
thank you guys :D
glad i could fix it up a bit lol
aresx
12-09-2008, 12:49 AM
Lots of effects. Post-rocky kind of stuff. Originated in Britain in the 80's I think but don't quote me on that.

do you think you could give me a band or two to look up?

it sounds pretty interesting Lol