Barefoot Cinderella

[bard2dbone]

I haven't been on this part of the forum in a long time. But I finished a song recently that I thought I'd submit for crits. It's basically just complaining about how women who are pretty on the outside and essentially empty on the inside are not worth the effort to get to know. And trust me guys, it IS an effort. You won't mind making the effort, because they're hot. But later after you've broken up and you're thinking "WHY did I go after HER?" That's the girl this song is about .

Barefoot Cinderella

See the pretty plastic princess in her Disney movie dress
Nearly every little girl wants to be her.
But she tells them they're not worthy, makes them think they're just a mess
The same way that she heard the same thing said to her
Even though nobody ever said a word.

Little girls try to be like her, perfect plastic pretty pets
They grow up thinking that's the way they ought to be.
But Cinderella lost the bargain when she got her fancy threads
And gave up all her individuality
At least that's how it always seemed to me.

chorus
I always liked her best before she got her see-through shoes
Before she spent so much time looking in that mirror on the wall
Back when she though of something more than simply being cute
And wondering if she was the fairest of them all.

Back when she was barefoot, she had so much more to say.
She made decisions, had opinions she would share.
Then she got her big makeover and it all just went away
Now she spends all her time fixing up her hair
And wondering why Prince Charming isn't there.

But Prince Charming he's a smart man, and he's seen this show before
He learned his lesson from the one he threw away.
He tells the barefoot Cinderella that he wants to be her fella
Someone else can ask the Princess out to play
'Cause real women are better every day.

[kitsch]

Barefoot Cinderella[quote]
okay, the title is pretty badass, i just had to comment on that

[quote]See the pretty plastic princess in her Disney movie dress
Nearly every little girl wants to be her.
But she tells them they're not worthy, makes them think they're just a mess
The same way that she heard the same thing said to her
Even though nobody ever said a word.

first line is good, love the alliteration and internal rhyming
but the last two lines seem awkward. i understand what youre trying to say, she tears down everyone else, because she thought thats the way she was treated, but she wasn't really. i would come up with a simpler (shorter) way to say it, come up with a better rhyme for "her" other than "her".


Little girls try to be like her, perfect plastic pretty pets
They grow up thinking that's the way they ought to be.
But Cinderella lost the bargain when she got her fancy threads
And gave up all her individuality
At least that's how it always seemed to me.

for the lulz, i would change the 4th line to "and at age 12 lost her virginity"
more seriously tho, this stanza is better than the last, the message is more clear that she's being consumed with material excess and becoming vacuous.
good flow, only one problem, the last line seems a little be frivilous. it doesnt say anything, i would cut it out.


chorus
I always liked her best before she got her see-through shoes
Before she spent so much time looking in that mirror on the wall
Back when she though of something more than simply being cute
And wondering if she was the fairest of them all.

the chorus kinda bugged me, it was a little too wordy, and the third line is way too plain. i mainly changed the 3rd and 4th lines, and made the "fairest of them all" line a little more biting.

I liked her best before she got those see-thru shoes
before she spent so much time looking in the mirror on the wall
when she had something more than good-looks to loose
but after all, she is the fairest of them all


Back when she was barefoot, she had so much more to say.
She made decisions, had opinions she would share.
Then she got her big makeover and it all just went away
Now she spends all her time fixing up her hair
And wondering why Prince Charming isn't there.
i really like this part, except for the 2nd line, its a bit awkward and could use some rewording. other than that, excellent.

But Prince Charming he's a smart man, and he's seen this show before
He learned his lesson from the one he threw away.
He tells the barefoot Cinderella that he wants to be her fella
Someone else can ask the Princess out to play
'Cause real women are better every day.
again, pretty solid stanza. no major things stand out, except that on the first reading, its kinda hard to tell that the princess and barefoot cinderella are two different people.

if it were me, i would make prince charming into a vacuous spatula just the same as her, and they end up "happily ever after", but are both to narcissistic to connect with each other. i dunno, just a thought.

overall, i liked it, the main problem is sometimes the phrases are confusing and awkwardly worded. good, traditional songwriting.

i usually dont go for traditional songwriting

hope this helped

[Jim Colyer]

Nice, catchy title.