improv

[kitsch]

okay ive been away from the boards a while. my last user name was "Ohh" and im pretty sure its been perma banned... oh well. im back to post and crit.

oh, and i know this is a songwriting board, and i mainly write poetry, my poetry readings are very beat and breath oriented. so yea...

here we go, just wrote this like five minutes ago, NO revisions
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the lucid dream of kisses betrayal long lost friends and strangers regrets and stranger desires
enfolds my conciousness
till i wake to the solid reality
of a soft pillow
still high from the sleeping meds
and the familiar feeling is back
i dont care
everything is in a glass case
everything tastes like paper
and the last wilted withered stalks of summer flowers
bow under my feet
i feel nothing

girl i was with you yesterday
girl i almost loved you yesterday
our embrace echoes over a great distance
but talkin to you on the phone
is just like being alone

i see you again and everythings fine

[kitsch]

bump.

cmon ill crit the **** out of anyones if they leave some feedback

[RunAmokRampant]

It's quite good for improv but as with a lot of improv, it has a lot of nice ideas but they don't connect as fully as they should without revision. But dang bro, you've got a lot of awesome stuff to work with here, some wonderful images and abundance of possibilities. It's raw and honest, which is an advantage you've taken to the full extent with the stream of consciousness approach.

[kitsch]

thanks man.

[bard2dbone]

the lucid dream of kisses betrayal long lost friends and strangers regrets and stranger desiresI really like strangers regrets and stranger desires
enfolds my conciousness
till i wake to the solid reality
of a soft pillowSolid reality and a soft pillow? You really like dichotomies. Don't you?
still high from the sleeping meds
and the familiar feeling is back
i dont care
everything is in a glass case
everything tastes like paperI like how the glass case and taste of paper just sound like the effects of meds that you mentioned beforehand.
and the last wilted withered stalks of summer flowers
bow under my feet
i feel nothing

girl i was with you yesterday
girl i almost loved you yesterday
our embrace echoes over a great distanceThis part was just okay. It didn't grab me like a lot of the other parts did.
but talkin to you on the phone
is just like being alone Loved the last two lines. I would start with them as the hook and start over.

i see you again and everythings fine This felt like an afterthought. But I know it's really the whole point of the piece. I don't know if that is a comment on your writing or just how it sounds in my head.

It sounds like a really good start. This could be turned into a really good song. It's very good for a few minutes improv. But it only looks like a starting point to me.

Please crit Barefoot Cinderella for me.