Surf
08-19-2008, 05:56 AM
Dancin' Man - 3 - I like the uses of the half rhymes and the way its in keeping with the imagery; very smooth and so on, but in some places some of the words seem a bit ugly and out of place (refract in the opening stanza being an example) while this can work sometimes as a juxtaposition, it can also distract from the piece a bit. I'd try and tone it down, or more aptly, smooth it over - its pure aesthetic, but the way the words sound can have a big effect on the reader. But other than that I enjoyed it. the repetition worked for you and felt like it was building up well throughout. The subject matter wasn't really my thing, but you dealt with it in a way which kept me interested rather than turning me off. Cool beans.
Surtr - 4 - The opening imagery is great; it does is job and immediately places the reader in the situation and works well in establishing the tone and mood. I would drop out 'the very fog' in both circumstances in which its used because it just sounds over the top and its not really necessary - the reader knows you're talking about the fog, you don't need to remind them. the opening and closing of the piece are its strong points, so I would work on he middle stanzas. The use of the statements to anchor the second third and forth stanzas could work, but I think in this instance it seems a bit contrived. Its very melodramatic and I think takes away from the tone. There's nothing wrong with using the verbs to show a reader what's happening, but when they're this explicit and instructional its too forceful. Try and say the same thing (because it works as a structuring device), but in a more subtle way, rather than an order. But the closing is good. Not too sure about the ending question, but it seems to fit in with what you're trying to say. The way its used it just seems like a rushed ending. I wouldn't really change it though, its fine.
RunAmokRampant - 2 - I'll go crit in your thread because I missed it earlier
Powerban - 6 - Like people say below me, its too short. There's ideas here and some good images but its not given enough grounding or expanded enough. there's lots of potential, but it hasn't been capitalised upon.
Surf surf serf serve serb certain 50 cent a game of boggle
Pixiesfanyo - 1 - I'm going to disagree completely with Dancin' Man here, I think the ideas are tied together really well. I love the way the gone with the wind references are worked into the narrative and character. I can't say anything bad about it, I really dug it. Reminded me of Bukowski as well.
Ohh - 5 - I criticised PowerBan's for being too short, and tis was shorter, but it felt more complete. There was the whole thing and all in the five lines. It works well on its own, but there wasn't really enough here to rank it any higher. It only had one idea, and it was fully realised, but it didn't invite rereading as much as some of the others. Welcome to the competition man, good start.
crits done.
Surtr - 4 - The opening imagery is great; it does is job and immediately places the reader in the situation and works well in establishing the tone and mood. I would drop out 'the very fog' in both circumstances in which its used because it just sounds over the top and its not really necessary - the reader knows you're talking about the fog, you don't need to remind them. the opening and closing of the piece are its strong points, so I would work on he middle stanzas. The use of the statements to anchor the second third and forth stanzas could work, but I think in this instance it seems a bit contrived. Its very melodramatic and I think takes away from the tone. There's nothing wrong with using the verbs to show a reader what's happening, but when they're this explicit and instructional its too forceful. Try and say the same thing (because it works as a structuring device), but in a more subtle way, rather than an order. But the closing is good. Not too sure about the ending question, but it seems to fit in with what you're trying to say. The way its used it just seems like a rushed ending. I wouldn't really change it though, its fine.
RunAmokRampant - 2 - I'll go crit in your thread because I missed it earlier
Powerban - 6 - Like people say below me, its too short. There's ideas here and some good images but its not given enough grounding or expanded enough. there's lots of potential, but it hasn't been capitalised upon.
Surf surf serf serve serb certain 50 cent a game of boggle
Pixiesfanyo - 1 - I'm going to disagree completely with Dancin' Man here, I think the ideas are tied together really well. I love the way the gone with the wind references are worked into the narrative and character. I can't say anything bad about it, I really dug it. Reminded me of Bukowski as well.
Ohh - 5 - I criticised PowerBan's for being too short, and tis was shorter, but it felt more complete. There was the whole thing and all in the five lines. It works well on its own, but there wasn't really enough here to rank it any higher. It only had one idea, and it was fully realised, but it didn't invite rereading as much as some of the others. Welcome to the competition man, good start.
crits done.