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MrGraveside
05-23-2008, 11:42 AM
Butterflies like locust

{intro}
Is this really what I wanted? Is this really what you wanted? I don’t know…Fight off the urge, give in to desire? This is what makes me feel alive?
My reflection is mangled, my life perverted… No sign of you in this scattered mirror, just me with eyes Set to kill

{Verse}
This is not what I wanted! This is not what you wanted! You gave me life you gave me breath but I turned it all away for one hollow night, now one hollow debt. I don’t know, in the beginning I told myself it was nothing. Look how far it’s got me now…

{Chrous}
Six feet under the willow tree I lay suffcating, waiting for the final decay. I nailed the coffin down one nail at a time and to think it took me this far would only be the the half of it. I didn’t know,I never dreamed

{Verse}
I want to be what you wanted! I want to be what you needed! This is my plea for purging! Fading with dimming lights it’s now or never... Life or Death… LIFE!!! This is my cry for cleansing! pry back the cyprss boards,pull up the rusty nails. Lift me from the wreckage and the black. Breath that new light into this hole, make me whole again!

{Chrous}
Six feet under the willow tree I lay suffcating, waiting for the final decay. I nailed the coffin down one nail at a time and to think it took me this far would only be the the half of it. I prayed you would come, I knew you would come.

{Breakdown}
I want to be what you wanted, Oh please God? All I ever wanted was to be what you needed.

HighandDriving
05-23-2008, 12:35 PM
You need to style it WAY better.
I'd also not start off with so many questions.
I'm not trying to be mean but I'd delete this or heavily edit it.

MrGraveside
05-23-2008, 01:50 PM
If by styling you mean put it in stanzas/how it is sung in a song. Then I understand what yu are saying but honestly I dont think it should have to be in stanzas or parts labled under [chorus] or [verse]. This is just how I write. I dont think the content is affectd by how it looks on paper.

I was leary of so many questions, but as of right now its the only way that I can see how the song will work.

Im not afraid of critical cmments, its part of becomming a better song writer. For being no were near good, critical post are actualy somthing I need.

MrGraveside
05-24-2008, 05:01 PM
bump^
Maybe a review of the actual song???

ozzfest05
05-28-2008, 09:10 AM
all comments are within ~~~


Butterflies like locust


Is this really what I wanted? Is this really what you wanted? I don’t know…Fight off the urge, give in to desire? Why is this, what makes me feel alive? My reflection is mangled, my life perverted…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{ TOO many thoughts with no directions sounds like a schrizo, too many whys and whats please refine it into something with more clarity}~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


No sign of you in this scattered mirror, just images of me with blood shot eyes starring back with hate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{this part reminds me of an emo song} no other comment}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not what I wanted! This is not what you wanted! You gave me life you gave me breath but I turned it all away for one hollow night, now one hollow debt. I don’t know, in the beginning I told myself it was nothing. Look how far it’s got me now…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{you need to stop using wanted it gets very frustrating to read, and "I dont know" used here ruins the flow to me.}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to be what you wanted! I want to be what you needed! This is my plea for purging! This is my plea for cleansing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{keep saying variations of want and wanted }
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fading with dimming lights it’s now or never... Life or Death… LIFE!!! Breath that new light into this hole, make me whole again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{ This is not lyrical, your ranting try and refine from hating and complaining , ranting ruins lyrics}

I want t be what you wanted, Oh please God? All I ever wanted was to be what you needed.



~~~~~~~~
wanted once again is ruining it, too repeatative. keep working

MrGraveside
06-06-2008, 02:24 PM
I re-wrote it before I read the one real comment I got so comment this one....

Mikedrummer
06-07-2008, 05:05 AM
rather than critique your lyrics, i suggest you go to ladderwiki.com

MrGraveside
06-08-2008, 04:10 PM
Why woould I go there???? What does that site possibly have to do with this site or the lyrics that I have wrote?