In the Puddles

[factor46]

i'm back. be nice :thumb:


shallow water, even more so than the last time i stepped in it.
tiptoeing amongst the ripples alongside none other than myself.
when will it all end?

we're corrupted, this era,
we've lost sight of what we were made for.

and these pretenses, however true they may be, couldn't lack any more judgment.
i've been lost for a long while you see?
playing in the puddles.

walk with me, parading your charade.
no one will recognize you,
..except me.

it will be a fine day when you'll walk with me.

[tonybrown]

deep stuff that

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

I like it. If anything i would suggest to go deeper into the meaning, although i understand your subtlety. Delve a bit deeper into the charade by the other person, and a bit more into why you were lost amongst the pond, and it will definitely have a lot more depth but still be as subtle. (PS. were both back at the same time? ironic.)

[factor46]

that is weird now isnt it?

and thanks bud. havent talked in quite some time.

though it would be hard to stay as subtle if I went into much more detail.

[TojesDolan]

dot!

[Surf]

shallow water, even more so than the last time i stepped in it.
tiptoeing amongst the ripples alongside none other than myself.
when will it all end?

I love the opening line. Not sure why, but it seems to immediately evoke a certain image. Not sure, maybe its because I can hear water outside, or I'm thinking too hard, but the 'shallow water' does things for me. I don't like the dangling 'it' on the end of the first line though, seems a bit unnecessary and awkward - I'd drop it all together, leave it on 'in'.
The second line introduces the underlying metaphor, but I'd wish you'd spent more time with this image, it seems full of potential, but you skim over it a bit quickly and jump right into the other meanings. Maybe flesh it out a bit more - what does it feel like, look like, taste like, smell like etc etc. Just a line, but it could set the reader up a bit more, give them a bit more background.
The third line is where the puddle aspect is completely lost, so maybe add onto it, bolster it with what I said above or something. It takes you only two lines to skip over the opening image, maybe longer would encourage a bit more dwelling on the metaphor itself.


we're corrupted, this era,
we've lost sight of what we were made for.

and these pretenses, however true they may be, couldn't lack any more judgment.
i've been lost for a long while you see?
playing in the puddles.

I dig the internal rhyme in the third stanza, for some reason it really stood out, and its such a subtle rhyme that I'm probably reading too much into it. It works well. the second line of the second stanza I don't dig so much. Too many pronouns make it a bit laborious to read, it would help to simplify it or break it up a bit. Actually simplify is the wrong word, I mean expand it. If you spread it out a bit more, then it'll be easier to digest for people. Last two lines here ('I've been lost.... up to ....in the puddles) are my favourite in the piece. Wonderful, and the reason I think they work so well is because they relate back to the original idea, something that could help in the opening a bit more.


walk with me, parading your charade.
no one will recognize you,
..except me.

it will be a fine day when you'll walk with me

No qualms here at all, works fine for me. Maybe I'd break the last line after day e.g.

it will be a fine day
when you'll walk with me

but that's just me.


Overall, I think its really good. I like the imagery (though I think it could be expanded a little), the written expression is great and the ideas are delivered in a precise and subtle manner. There's a few things I'd pick up on, but apart from that, cool stuff.
.

[factor46]

thank you very much, i understand what you're saying with the expansion of those lines. i just like to keep things short. but i appreciate your input. :)