short poem (beginner songwriter!)

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

here is a little piece I just came up with, and wanted to know what you guys think. it'S about the world we live in, and the colflicts that can occur just because for example one is muslim, and the other jewish.

it's short, but imo it tells a lot by itself.

What is it we’re fighting for, what is there in between?
Coexist together, here, even how hard it may seem
And so I have a wish for all, in which my heart resides
For I know that belief unites, where our religion divides.

tell me what you think :). what could better, what is good. thanks in advance!

[Sacred Spiral]

sounds great
but needs more meat in the middle if you ask me

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

wow, actually someone criticizing it.. lol, are we just too lazy to post or what?.

to sacred spiral: thanks :).. yeah, I see what you mean, I'll try to work something out on that one.. maybe put it a bit differently. thanks anyway ^^

[tonybrown]

the co exsitence that we speak of, the glory comes with guns
the fighting that we speak of, run on governmental funds
the pressure that we face, provided simply free of charge
while the terror that we face, still roams around at large

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

nice crit :/

and by the way, if the terror you speak of is what i think it is, just so you know: the usa government is the biggest terrorist of all..

[tonybrown]

that was the implication but i think thats why its called a subliminal
so its not actually said

[Bernie812]

haha, fancy seeing you out of the D&P chev!
I love the last line, because its an important message that I've heard a million times in church, but never spoken so eloquently. Relationship is all that matters, denominations just sort out people from arguing with each other. Don't get caught up in religion!

I agree with sacred spiral about having more meat in the middle. And am amazed at what tony wrote up there! awesome.

[\m/-CHeV-\m/]

thanks man! appreciate it!

actually, what tony brown wrote kinda blends in nicely with what i wrote. if he lets me, I'd like to use it in one of our songs!