everything falls

[toxicmudd]

so follow me now,
into the night,
come now, come with me,
take you where you need to be.

stood still, eyes aching,
sight blurred, pulse racing.
i don't know
tell me where you're gonna go,
one step more
turn around and then you're gone

hand shakes, hand falters
things change,minds alter.
two tone lights
and a flashing noise
means nothing
yet everything falls



what do you think?

[Ohh]

hmm... the syllables seem to be out of wack except for the begining of the first two stanzas. i dont know how this is going to be performed (if at all), but it goes from rhyming and being symmetrical to not and then back again, it just kind of confused me.

having said that, i like the begining of the second and third verses, i think you should expand on that idea, it would sound cool, half-rapped-half-sung.

hope that helped

[sexymuffin]

yeah i agree with ohh half-rapped-half-sung is definitely where this piece needs to find itself

[H4T3BR33D3R]

I think it's pretty cool. The story is a bit vague though. You should probably add a little bit to it.