I dont have a title for this one either

[KRASH]

new song i wrote, i think its good but it isnt my opinion...please crit

The deepest recesses of the mind
Come to me undesigned
A flatpack working like a Laptrack
No Beginning, No end...

Nobody comes with the brain
And the beauty
Its one or the other
Pick your colour

The deepest recesses of the mind
Come to me undesigned
A flatpack working like a Laptrack
No beginning, No end...

And if you ever meet the one
The one with the both and the other
She's sure to be an angel
Secretly spiked with Hepatitis C

The deepest recesses of the mind
Come to me undesigned,
No beginning, No end

To some the idea of reconciliation
Seems to be a bad idea
But with the time and place
Hold your own and share that
Recessive Space

The deepest Recess of the mind
The deepest Recess of the mind

[KRASH]

bump

[DeadReligion]

The deepest recesses of the mind
Come to me undesigned
A flatpack working like a Laptrack
No Beginning, No end...
^ Dunno what a flatpack is, and the last line is really cliche.

Nobody comes with the brain
And the beauty
Its one or the other
Pick your colour
^ Nice, nice.

And if you ever meet the one
The one with the both and the other
She's sure to be an angel
Secretly spiked with Hepatitis C
^ This seems to be the only attempt at comedy in the piece. While funny, its very out of place. Either make it a joke piece, or don't.

To some the idea of reconciliation
Seems to be a bad idea
But with the time and place
Hold your own and share that
Recessive Space
^ the lyrics are fine, but unconnected.

Overall, I wasn't sure what this was about really. You should be more concise. Apart from that, it was interesting enough. Some of the vocabulary was uninteresting, though.

[KRASH]

...The hepatitis C part, was done about a girl i know who contracted Hep C from useing dirty needles to shoot up...a flatpack is like a desk you buy...and it doesnt come ready made...it comes with all the bits and you make it yourself...a bit like lego blocks

the song was about me having feelings for girls who always have something wrong with them...and they always open their mind to me for me to help them...but in doing so, i either find that they arent as innocent as i thought, or they then find me unavailable...


can i ask now..with me telling you the background to this song, does it make it more appealing or worthwhile?