new song please crit me

[Skinfish]

He leaves again, ten mins before
his time is up to go
you ****er falls from the workforce lips
as he enters his chariot of dreams

at home now with the things
he bought with free cash
you ****er falls from the workforce lips
as he enters his boudoir of dreams

a meal on saturday we wont go
to far now for us to trek
its in bury dont you know
where the **** is that

so we sit at home and watch supaman 1 and 2
but we dont watch 3 cause its a bit ****
fours ok, cause he turns abit nasty
albeit only breif

but we cant watch superman till after
gordon ramsey cause he bakes
only the finest food
chips and beans in a hot broth sauce....

DONE

[camdizzle]

You write like a stoned 15 year old. Clean it up a little bit and you could have a decent pop song.

[benjaminfranklin]

I didn't really understand the relevance of the last two verses. Perhaps, you could explain them?

I think in "you f***er falls from the workforce lips" the use of "falls" is innapropriate as it is quite a passive sounding verb. Maybe you could use "spits" or "springs" or something that suggests anger or real emotion behind what they are saying. Otherwise, it sounds almost casual.

You might consider re-tinking the phrasing as well. In some sections it feels clumsy like "at home with the new things / he bought with free cash" flows more like a single line and doesn't fit the otherwise relatively fluid rythm. As this line isn't particularly standout this emphasis just feels out of place. Perhaps describe the things in a single word, emphasising how grand or rich they are or something, or say where the money comes from, maybe something to sum up the labours fruitless efforts and their bloodied or dirty hands.

In a general style sense I would have a re-read of the piece and try thinking of slightly different ways of saying things that you have said or ways to make it flow better - reading it aloud a couple more times should do the trick.

Hopefully this is some useful advice, I dont know how you want this piece to end up but I'd be interested to see the final result.
Thanks.