where

[slack]

I recently made some changes to an old song, so some of you might remember reading this awhile back.

Where We Learned Not to Believe

You sat by the window in silence,
hands folded neatly in your lap.
The room dressed like a wound,
the gauze curtains pulled back.
We never spoke as I fixed your bed pillows.
We never bothered to break the silence,
but I could sense the heaviness in your heart,
and the trouble in your mind.
These rooms never let go,
even after you leave
the sickness still grows.

The girl who used to be here,
she was like you,
liked to watch the sun rise
along the walls of this sleepless room.
She said the warmth of its rays
reminded her of someone's touch,
she said it was like love
in the way it'd always
come and go,
come and go.

[TojesDolan]

do you want this one to be erased?

[Surf]

I'm gonna crit this before it vanishes. Then my post will look stupid.

But

I liked this, I think I saw it before. I remember the phrase room dressed like a wound. Good phrase.

I'll take it verse by verse, and break it up a bit.

You sat by the window in silence,
hands folded neatly in your lap.
The room dressed like a wound,
the gauze curtains pulled back.

Excellent introduction. Nice subtle rhyme, the structure is clear without being overbearing and the plot unfolds nicely. I honestly wouldn't make any changes here.

We never spoke as I fixed your bed pillows.
We never bothered to break the silence,
but I could sense the heaviness in your heart,
and the trouble in your mind.
These rooms never let go,
even after you leave

Another good passage. I like the phrasing of 'heaviness in your heart' very much gives a sense of being weighed down. Its a slightly old phrase (I've heard it used before a few times), but its testament to your skill that you pull it off. Like the first verse I wouldn't change much, but I would consider changing 'trouble in your mind' to 'trouble on your mind'. You'll established a tone but using the idomatic 'heaviness in your heart', I'd keep that up by using a more usual phrasing here. Otherwise it just sounds a little awkward.

But in all, I can't really fault most of the first stanza. Ideas wise its solid as a rock, and a really nice sounding rock at that. Cool.
However:

the sickness still grows.


I don't like the last line here. 'The sickness' is a nasty way to phrase it. Sounds like a nu metal song. Disturbed I think. I'd change it. Maybe something a little more metaphorical. I don't think it fits the tone of the piece, it works to undo alot of the hard work in the first stanza. Change the end, and its nigh on perfect, I can't think of anything else.

The girl who used to be here,
she was like you,
liked to watch the sun rise
along the walls of this sleepless room.
She said the warmth of its rays
reminded her of someone's touch,
she said it was like love
in the way it'd always
come and go,
come and go.

The only two things I found here were the bolded bits. I really like this ending. The repetition in the last line is good, poignant and all that. Good work. The first bolded bit: 'sleepless room'. I think sleepless is a bit obvious. You're alluding to alot of turmoil here, and you maybe oversell it with sleepless. I could change it out for another adjective. Not necessarily something too similar (not restless or something like that). Maybe something more in line with what has caused the illness. Is it old age? cancer? the audience is never told, so in this little adjective here, you could really shed some light. The second part is 'someone's touch'. I think you're playing your hand too loose here. Its too obvious. Ditch the 'touch', leave it at someone. Don't limit yourself to the one sense, 'someone' encapsulates an entire person whereas 'touch' seems to be pointing the finger too strongly.


But overall, really liked it. There's some fantastic lines, which I wish I'd written. Cool stuff man, but maybe a few edits here and there?

[BobJoHankins]

i really don't know what to say; your writing is great, and some bad lines poke out here and there. some editing, like what surf recommended, would be good. certainly not a delete.

[NoOnethatUdLike]

wow this really good.....the imagery is good and the comparisons as well.....i feel as if i've heard this or something like this before...not read....but heard.....i really like the line "dressed like a wound" it stood out to me.....and the last few lines about how it comes and goes...very nice.....good job....keep it up