"Acoustique"

[Nightvision]

I wrote something similar to this almost three years ago, and found it while browsing through some old songs looking for inspiration. Despite the name, it's not an acoustic song.

"Acoustique"

"Here and now was so two years ago" she said,
with her head to one side and her feet on the dashboard,
with my eyes on the road I can still tell she looks bored...
and I'll dream I cruise highways through radiant summers
with a girl on my arm and a smile to die for

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
the one about all the times I swore never to
write a song about someone I could do without.

Awkward small talk punctuates the rest stops,
the voice in my head smirks: "tell her you love her"
but I haven't the heart, and I'm a bad liar.
So we'll wake up tomorrow and play this out again:
a boy and a girl killing twelve hundred miles.

With this demo tape playing on the radio,
she sings along to a song she knows nothing about,
the one about all the times I swore never to
write a song about someone I could do without.

...and with every mile that we get closer, we somehow get further apart.

With my demo tapes sitting on the radio,
I'll write a song about a girl I know nothing about,
the one to play when I'm driving through summer
with a girl that I wish I couldn't do without.

[asomata]

I've seen this before (on the boards) and I remember it sticking out to me strongly. That must have been a few years ago then, eh?

Regardless, I think this is great, just as I thought it was great whenever I saw it before. If you don't mind me asking, what all did you change?

EDIT: As for a critique, I don't think I have anything to say, the rhythm is great, the lines are very well phrased, it speaks to me, and it builds in just the right way. So I'm not being lazy by not going in detail, I promise.

[Nightvision]

I originally posted this in October '05, I think.

Most of the changes are in the verses. About half of the first verse was scrapped and re-written, the second verse was completely deleted and started from scratch, and the 'bridge' is completely new.
There are also minor tweaks to the chorus, and the final chorus is also new to this version. So it's about 75% new, this version.

As for the rhythm, yeah, I don't mind admitting I'm really proud of the flow of the chorus - I must find a way of recording this, as I'd love to share the tune I've got for it - it's one of those ones that sticks in your head all day and drives you mad. :p