"Well..."

[asomata]

This is a bit of a quirky one. Crits will be matched, links are appreciated but not necessary, and all that other stuff

a cardboard cut out of a man
spoke in parables to me
he said, "we're all self-fulfilling prophecies
walking in blindfolds and half asleep
(well!) we're heading toward a death we can't wait for
with tired feet hitting on concrete
we'll bleed, oh sure we'll bleed
but we won't feel until we see"

smoking a cigarette beneath a street lamp
well he looked straight through me
said "kid you remind me of myself
before i learned about reality
(well!) its the hollow thing we cling to
just to keep our noses clean
oh you'll bleed hell yes you'll bleed
but you won't feel until you see"

stamping his foot in aggravation
as the smoke fled from his lungs
said "we live carrying our regrets,
and boy mine weigh a ton,
(well!) its a hollow life i've had here
but listen and take heed
you will bleed yes you'll bleed
but you won't feel until you see"

"oh i see so much of myself in you boy,
it'd be a shame to let you pass by
you'll bleed oh yes you will bleed
but you won't feel until you die"

what a fvckin' crazy guy...

[Nightvision]

I'm guessing you've been writing for a while before here, as this is way beyond what I'd expect from someone with your joindate/postcount. (Yes, it's a poor way of pre-judging someone, but you'd be surprised at just how accurate it is 90% of the time!)

The first verse is a very nice idea, but suffers a little bit in places on two counts; firstly, it feels like you tried to over-do it a little bit and get a bit too clever when something a bit more straightforward would have done nicely. Secondly, your last line is a good idea, but the wording is a bit.... I can't really describe it, but it doesn't quite work for me. I get what you're saying though.

A cigarette beneath a streetlamp? Add some 'crimson blood' and you've nailed all the top three cliches on this forum in a single line. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not with your reference to the character being a 'cardboard cut out of a man' in the first line. If it was, it's a pretty clever move, if it wasn't, deduct yourself three cool points.

Your third verse was nowhere near the quality of the other two - I feel you kind of ran out of ideas here, but knew you needed a third verse to pad things out a bit.

In fact, having read the last bit as well, I would suggest that when you revisit this (you ARE going to revisit this!) to more or less leave the first two verses bar any tweaks you feel like making, and concentrate on everything after that, because the first half is 10/10 stuff, and the second half is a generous 6/10. Don't worry about this, because I have the same problem - I'm a 'good starter' - I always fall in love with my first 8-16 lines, and after that, it's pretty much a lottery on the first few re-writes.

Overall:
It's good - However, it has the potential to be excellent. I'd hate to see nothing more made of this, because you have the foundations of a brilliant piece, and you've already shown you can write to that level, so why not finish it? :)

[asomata]

You are a very, very smart man! In song form, these lyrics are in the main section of the song, which has a second, more hectic instrumental part. The 3rd verse was slapped in to bridge these sections better, and because the main section just didn't seem long enough. (and of course the first 2 verses on their lonesome leave it sounding very unfinished.)

I can't believe I didn't really notice how sorely it stuck out until your critique. Thank you, I'll have to work at that.

(And yes, the cliche'd descriptions were intentional, especially since setting the scene in cliches allows me to get the mood across very quickly, and get on more to what he's actually saying.)

[Nightvision]

No problem - I genuinely enjoyed critiquing this, which is a feeling I haven't had on here for many a month, so thank you. I look forward to seeing future versions of this!