Battle

[irishslappop]

BATTLE


[over loud speaker]
Brothers!!
Make your fists...
The time is now!
Pick your Victims
DISAVOW!!!!!!

Start the chase!
Rend the face!
Smile erase!
TAKE THE BASE!!!

****ers Rebel!!
Send them to hell!
Eyes and knuckels Swell
BREAKING OUT OF YOUR CELL!!!!!!!!

[chorus]
One is left and two is right,
ripping out throats with blood red sight!
We didn't start but we're finishing this fight!!
We're the cure your the blight,
THIS IS OUR NIGHT!!!!
[chorus]

your brothers are with you
blood is our pursue
Cant be subdued
WHAT THEY SAY IS UNTRUE!!!!

We've all got your back,
It's courage which they lack!
THROW THE FIRST CRACK!
AND EVERYONE ATTACKS!!!!!

[chorus]
One is left and two is right,
ripping out throats with blood red sight!
We didn't start but we're finishing this fight!!
We're the cure your the blight,
THIS IS OUR NIGHT!!!!
[chorus]

Hit him in the crown
In fists they drown
8 go down
THIS IS OUR ****ING TOWN!!!

He's the last one
put away the gun
DONT LET HIM RUN
BUT HAVE YOUR FUN!!!!!!

[chorus]
One is left and two is right,
ripping out throats with blood red sight!
We didn't start but we're finishing this fight!!
We're the cure your the blight,
THIS IS OUR NIGHT!!!!
[chorus]



keep in mind massive guitar, bass, drum, harmonica, and male and female voice solos.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/irishslappop/n11714131_30620034_1418.jpg

[Elektrobank]

Too cliche, Stop trying to talk so "br00tal" and get to the point. Nice attempt though just keep practicing! :thumb:

[Neoteric]

Not funny enough.

[TojesDolan]

I expect massive amounts of as‪s kicking drums to compensate for simplicity of the lyrics.

[irishslappop]

Too cliche, Stop trying to talk so "br00tal" and get to the point. Nice attempt though just keep practicing!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/irishslappop/troll2.jpg
I expect massive amounts of as‪s kicking drums to compensate for simplicity of the lyrics.

as do I :lol:. a lot of double bass kicks and tons of china and crash hits. a pretty amazing guitar solo after the second verse, a small bass fill after the second chorus, and drum solo insanity at the end of the song.

keep in mind i wrote this as a hard rock song. not a Metal or hardcore song. Think Dio has a child with Zach De La Rocha, and Danny Carey had sloppy seconds.

[irishslappop]

so that's all i get huh? 60-somethign views and 4 posts. the only post that even gave me anythign was TD's and i was pretty let down by the limited critisim in that as well. This was my first ever post in the song writing section and you guys have me convinced that:
A. your all lyrical elitist who the most of you dont have anythign more to say then "it's not funny enough" about a song that isn't funny.

Or

B. your forum simply sucks.

there is a C. where you guys are cool with me and help me write a better song by giving me input on what you think about it. If you cant do that after 60 views, then i'll head back the bass forum and ask someone who cares i guess...


not to mention te trust i put in that 60 people aren't jacking my ****....wow.

[Skinfish]

Quiet you coon

[irishslappop]

point proven.
peace douchebags.

[benjaminfranklin]

Maybe you could try and keep the rythm more continuous throughout the song. Although I understand that the music might make up for this and changing the length of lines and their rythm can create quite interesting effects, the verses tend to vary as a whole. For example you start with the first two verses only one line exceeds three syllables but later the verses commmonly contain lines double that length.

It feels like there is little tying the piece together as a whole as most lines contain a single statement rather than letting what you want to say flow over into more space. This gives a punchy feel but becomes boring fast. Variations on this would keep it interesting.

Also, the lyrics only address a particular feeling or action, 'rage and battle' i assume. Maybe in the future you could try expanding on this and include some sort of background: where is the anger coming from, who is it aimed at, who is the battle against etc.

Finally, people on this forum are probably more likely to take the song seriously if you don't include the font changes and large amounts of exclamation marks. Whilst they may add emphasis some people might think you are trying to compensate for your lyrics, and in a lyrics and songwriting forum this won't be met with much friendliness.

Um, yea, thats about all i've got. I don't really understand entirely what this about so if you could describe it it would help a lot but i've done my best to crit. it.
Thanks.

[irishslappop]

first of all, you my friend kick ***. awesome crit. yeah i added the caps and excaimation to try to show how the song would be sung.

It feels like there is little tying the piece together as a whole as most lines contain a single statement rather than letting what you want to say flow over into more space. This gives a punchy feel but becomes boring fast. Variations on this would keep it interesting.
youre right. it is a little monotinous and needs some different rythms. i was making the music with my band yesterday and needless to say, it's a ****ing crazy song. the main riff is on a diminished scale so it ends up being pretty noisy and chaotic.

Also, the lyrics only address a particular feeling or action, 'rage and battle' i assume. Maybe in the future you could try expanding on this and include some sort of background: where is the anger coming from, who is it aimed at, who is the battle against etc.
i want to keep it to rage and battle only. mainly because what the song is about addresses a very short time, maybe only a period of 10 minutes or so, maybe less. Background for the song, maybe some spoken or quite lyrics are a great idea! the type of band we are [mainly reggae, chilled out ambient, melodic] this song kind of comes out of nowhere so i think background is very appropriate :)

as for what the song is about. about 3 months ago me and five of my closest friends fought a rival of ours. we're not "gangs" we're just close friends. I wrote a song about it because we were outnumbered by three and won the fight. The song describes first a general feeling about what was to come, talking with my friends about what we knew was about to happen. The second part is when we squared off and we're "talking ****" i guess you'd say and when my friend threw the first punch and then the chaos ensued. The last part is the the meat of the fight as they all fall and the end of the fight when we chased down the last guy [who ran, there we still 3 of us standing and we had just whooped all of his friend's asses] and we chased him down and kind ****ed with him, even though we could have ****ed him up or even killed him.

Thanks.

no thank you man. im going to go back over this song and try to change it up a little and add some variation and some back ground. :thumb:

[DeadReligion]

I'll get to this later. Was Skinfish serious?

[irishslappop]

^ awesome.