A re-write of a re-write of a re-write of a...

[bard2dbone]

A while back I saw an elderly couple who, just by looking, I could tell were still totally head over heels in love with each other. I liked the idea of love leaving a visible print on a couple and thought that would be a great starting place for a song. However when I started writing it, I got some kind of wierd domestic abuse anthemm where the marks left by love sounded more like scars and bruises. Ew.

So I re-wrote it...Still wrong.

Tried again...Still not there. Then I had an idea. How about comparing people to the toys in the Velveteen Rabbit? And then the 'prints left by love' would be the wear and tear on a well-played-with toy.

Then I got stuck on the idea that well-played-with toys generally get thrown away.

So now I've tried AGAIN.

Let me know what you think.

Old Toys

As the Skin Horse told the Rabbit:
When you're loved until you're real
All your fur will be worn ragged
And your seams will come unsealed
When your stuffing is in tatters
And your button eyes are gone
Then as if you do not matter
You will find yourself alone

When we met we were like brand new
Still shiny from the store
All my fur was sleek and glossy.
I can't say that anymore
Now I'm old and worn and dusty
Left in your closet floor
I'm forgotten and abandoned
But that was not what I was for

I was made to make you happy
I always want to see you smile
For a while there we were perfect
But that was only for a while
Now I'm wondering what happened
You decided we were done
I'm in a curb-side cardboard coffin
Waiting for the trash to come

But it doesn't have to be like that
We're not dolls and teddy bears
We're not really thrown away
When someone no longer cares
So we'll leave that for the rabbit
He would know just what to do
Until someone smiles at you that way
And once again you're like brand new

[asomata]

: (

Made me feel something, which isn't the way a lot of writer's on here seem to write. I thought it was very good.

Usually I do a stanza-by-stanza critique, but I don't think I could do this justice by critiquing the pieces, since the whole works very well together.

All I could say, is maybe break the meter a little to make it stick out, and perhaps more powerful, but it certainly doesn't need that either.

[bard2dbone]

Thanks for the crit. Let me know if you have any you'd like me to look at and I will whenever I actually have time to do a decent job of it.

I wanted this to evoke an emotional response. But I kept getting the wrong ones. This was still the wrong one, but it was a little bit more coherent than most of them so I just went with it.

It needs a bridge for contrast, but I haven't got one yet.

[PainfulSweet]

Its a great peice of writing, but how you said you wanted it to come out it doesnt seem to fit...still. I've had to rewrite songs multiple times too, dont feel bad, it happens. And as for this one, it still gives a feeling of sadness, of wornness and abandonment. If you wanted to evoke that sense that their still together, through everything, and though age has touched them, their hearts are still young, maybe you should look more in terms of the fact that you can be 'played with' and loved, and hopefully, even after age has weathered your body, your mind and heart still act the same.......Just an idea.

Good luck on the writing though, this one did turn out well, beautifully in fact. Without the bridge it is more of a poem, and stands its ground extremely well in that facet, so bridge it if youre looking for a song, otherwise, I'd leave it be.

[bard2dbone]

I had to throw away the first few versions because every way I tried to say that long years of love had left visible evidence on the couple kept coming out sounding like the signs were scars and bruises because they were in a horribly physically abusive relationship where the guy was too oblivious to realize that she was only still there because she was afraid to leave and afraid to kill him in his sleep.

I mean seriously 'Ew'.

And no. This version doesn't keep them together. The hopeful last line or two is just the idea that even though the girl you thought was 'the one' thought you were disposable, there will eventually be another girl. And maybe she'll be 'the one'.