Solace In A Blues Lick

[Surtr]

Using rhyming, something I haven't used in a long time I've written a piece to be used over a Bluesy sorta' piece I'm in the middle of writing. It can go two ways, its either about the age old guy/girl story, or the story of a guy who stops playing guitar to pursue something else, and comes back too it later on because he remembers it was everything to him. I left it open for however the reader sees fit, but I had the Guitar one in mind as I wrote it.

[Verse I]
I'm floating up and beyond all that I knew,
And it's pointless to try to work out what to do,
'Cause yeah, I can see right through.

And just 'cause the clouds aren't light,
Doesn't mean that today isn't going alright,
'Cause nah, it'll be fine tonight.

[Chorus]
So just hold on to that note
Even if it ain't something you wrote,
Its all that's keeping you down
Down with me right now,

And if I break the silence
Let it be with a soaring note,
Even if it ain't something I wrote
Its all that's keeping me down.

[Verse II]
Does it really shock you to see this?
A place where I can reach solace, bliss,
Without your broken kiss.

And I can't blame him for leaving you,
'Cause its something I could probably do too,
Without crawling back to you.

[Chorus]

Break the silence please my forgotten friend,
'Cause I'm sorry that I had to force the end,
But I'm back, no need to pretend.

So sing and soar for me just one more time,
And then I swear I'll fall back into line,
And things for us'll be fine.

[Surtr]

Any takers at alll?

[asomata]

I'm floating up and beyond all that I knew,
And it's pointless to try to work out what to do,
'Cause yeah, I can see right through.

And just 'cause the clouds aren't light,
Doesn't mean that today isn't going alright,
'Cause nah, it'll be fine tonight.


Kind of a bland way to kick things off. The flow seems awkward and the rhyming is very boring.

'clouds aren't light' is ambiguous, although perhaps that was intentional.

Basically these 6 lines say 'hey, things suck but that's okay,' without putting in any points of interest or anything to pull someone in.


[Chorus]
So just hold on to that note
Even if it ain't something you wrote,
Its all that's keeping you down
Down with me right now,

And if I break the silence
Let it be with a soaring note,
Even if it ain't something I wrote
Its all that's keeping me down.


So in the verse you are floating, but in the chorus you are being held down by a soaring note? I understand you could be getting at a metaphor, I guess, but it just seems a little silly.


[Verse II]
Does it really shock you to see this?
A place where I can reach solace, bliss,
Without your broken kiss.

And I can't blame him for leaving you,
'Cause its something I could probably do too,
Without crawling back to you.


Okay, the first stanza in this verse is better. The flow is more interesting, the rhymes are fresher, and it seems to have some real emotional backing now.

But then its back to being bland.

[Chorus]


Break the silence please my forgotten friend,
'Cause I'm sorry that I had to force the end,
But I'm back, no need to pretend.

So sing and soar for me just one more time,
And then I swear I'll fall back into line,
And things for us'll be fine.

My problem here is now the voice you are using changes abruptly, and seemingly without reason.


It's not bad, it's just generally not very interesting.. I suppose it could work with a lot of emotion in the singers voice and the backing music, but the words don't hold much weight on their own.

[Surtr]

This is my problem. I agree 100% with everything you said. I just can't write with rhymes, at all.

Anything I write that uses a rhyme comes across awful.

[Nightvision]

The rhyming triplets of the verses doesn't seem to work too well on screen. It may sound better with the instruments and whatnot, but here and now, it looks a bit forced and trite.
Also, you seem to have about 30% more words than you actually need - there are a lot of lines where you don't actually seem to be saying anything, and that are just in there because they made a nice rhyme. Not every line has to be thought-provoking and intelligent, but there are a few too many 'filler' lines here that are just taking up space.

The final 'major' thing I noticed was that your lines are occasionally very uneven in places - the standout example being:


Break the silence please my forgotten friend,
'Cause I'm sorry that I had to force the end,
But I'm back, no need to pretend.


That last line feels far too abrupt in comparison to the others, which feel a little bit over-long to be honest.

Overall:
This one didn't do an awful lot for me, I'm afraid. It might just be one of those songs that doesn't look all that great on paper, but works out with music, or it could just be a swing and a miss.

(alternatively, it could be brilliant and I'm just mad that you took down your KT Tunstall avatar. ;))

[Surtr]

Haha no worries man, I'm trying to get Vince to give it back to me as I won PPOTY.

*Fingers crossed*

[Nightvision]

Haha, good old Vince. I remember waaay back in here when it used to be me, Morrissey, Vince and A_Perfect_Sonnet. We spammed a bit and screwed around, but this place was a hell of a lot of fun, and there were a LOT of crits being handed out between the four of us.

[Surtr]

That's more or less how it is now.

There's about 4 of us who can write something worth a damn in here lol.

(Not saying my stuff is good, but I dunno', its not awful material in most cases, though I do agree, this peticular one is ****)

[Nightvision]

We all have the occasional screw-up. God knows, I've written a few on here, come back the next day and thought "what the hell was I thinking?!", but it's all part of writing. It'd be no fun if we all wrote brilliant stuff ALL the time.

Ahhhh, welcome back KT. <3

[Surtr]

You kidding me? If we wrote brilliant stuff ALL the time, we'd have tons of money and probably have a fair less to worry about. :p

I'm just trying to somehow get back the ability to write with rhyming :(

And yeahhh, KT :)

[Bordello]

Yo change the title to Solace in a Blues or something. That sounds better.

[Nightvision]

It comes and goes - I'm just struggling to write ANYTHING at the moment. I even tried my usual trick of going back and re-writing some of my older songs on here just to kick-start myself, but even that's failed. Think I've got to bite the bullet and just post something, even if it sucks HARD.

[Surtr]

I'd go out and find something to write about. Take a walk around town or where ever you live and just take it all in, and then write about whatever it makes you feel or whatever you see.

[Nightvision]

Yeah, never really been one for that - dunno why. I think it's just because I've been in a happy relationship for a while now, and my muse appears to thrive entirely on my misery. :p

[Surtr]

Write about the misery of others then?

Trust me, there's plenty of misery to be written about.

[Nightvision]

Haha, yeah. I'm just browsing through some of the older songs I've put on here to see if there's anything I can butcher for ideas. :)

[asomata]

The best ideas come from failed (or unrealized then forgotten) ideas re-imagined. Funny how that works.

Speaking of that, 'Solace in a blue lick' is a title that you can draw a lot from. I like the title a lot, and perhaps a re-imagining from the basics would do this song well.

[Nightvision]

Wahey... found one I wrote ages ago and absolutely loved, but never got round to rewriting, so think I'm going to have a look at that... see if I can't spark a few creative neurons.

[TojesDolan]

Simple but cute.